Bad blogger

Sorry I've been remiss again. Until recently work has been super crazy. Stepped directly back into overtime after being off 6 weeks.

Still been battling with the anemia. I gave in and am getting IV iron once a week. I had no reaction to the first dose so it's a go on another month.

Neurologist put me on some meds for the migraines. They haven't done a damn thing so far as I can tell. Ok, I lied. My tinnitus is super bad now. I rarely have any silent times. The emergency stuff makes the headaches worse. I'll call the doc this week and see about trying something different.

While I am usually more awake than I was before surgery, I'm still in a lot of pain besides the migraines. I was going to say my shoulders are the worst  but really, everything hurts.

I'm sure the cold has not been helping. That can't explain it all though.

Financially things have sucked too. I had a flat tire two days in a row. Missed a day of work the second time because the spare was already on the car. I was thankfully close enough to drive home as I made it less than a block from the house. Spent a pretty penny putting all new tires on the car. And then had to replace a control arm. The car drives much better now though.

One good thing is that I bought an IP at Thanksgiving time. Everything I've tried has come out pretty good so far.

That reminds me that I lost everything in the fridge again. Stupid freezer got iced up and I didn't notice until the milk went bad and I had to throw everything away. Do not waste money on a fridge that doesn't self defrost.

I had been trying to knit and crochet lately. I've got a headband that is about halfway done. And I started a Hue Shift blanket. My hands have been much too sore to work on it though.

All in all I'm hoping that 2017 will put an end to some of this shit going on. Something needs to change.

Having a rough night

Nothing in particular is wrong. Just the normal headaches I always have. It's making me hold my head stiffly which is making my neck and throat hurt a bit.

But I just cried while watching a click from Bedknobs and Broomsticks. The two locomotion scenes. I really like that song. And I'm watching Harry Potter. The scene where McGonagall wakes up the school and tells it to protect itself and the students always reminds me of the battle scene from BaB.

I've gotten jack shit done this weekend as per usual. I just feel icky. Head hurts. Body hurts. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I can't wait for this to no longer be an everyday thing.

So, I've been passed off to the hematology department for testing. While my iron levels are steady, they are not improving. Thus the feeling icky and tired still. My body doesn't seem to want to absorb the extra iron I've been taking. I'm still hovering around 6 points instead of climbing back up to 12.

This week will be busy at the doctor's office. I see neurology on Wednesday. I'm hoping they will finally give me something to help with these damn headaches. If they try to say my head hurts from being depressed and not the other way around, I may scream though. If you had a headache nearly 24/7 and had near constant body aches, you would be fucking depressed too. Ease my pain and I might be just a tad bit more chipper.

I see gynecology on Friday. At the very least I want back on the depo shot. That stopped my period completely the last time I was on it. Stop the drain on my hemoglobin levels and I bet I'll start feeling better. I have very heavy periods with lots of cramping during the first few days. The doctor had mentioned an ablation which I'm cool with if the shot doesn't work. I would rather avoid a hysterectomy if possible. I've not had real surgery before and the idea of complications sort of freaks me out.

And I'm still seeing my PCP in October and I'll be seen for testing for carpal tunnel in November. Too many doctor's visits. Too much poking and prodding.

I just want to feel ok again.

grrrr arggg

I am so exhausted.

I'm not talking about tired.

I'm talking about my limbs are so fucking weak with it. Especially my arms.

I can barely breath with this. I'm not out of breath from doing anything. I just feel like I can't get any air. The effort of breathing is somehow too much.

My head isn't buzzy. It's like something is trying to drag my brain out of the bottom of my skull. It's like the effort of thinking is sucking my brain our of me.

And yet..

I've been off work all except like 4 hours on Monday. I've left the house a grand total of two times since Monday. Ok, I take that back. I drove to the gas station up a half block away twice. I didn't have cash for Nick to go for me and I still haven't gotten him his own ATM card.

I've been out of the house a total of maybe 3 hours.

90% of the time I've either been sitting in my chair reading online or in bed sleeping.

The only thing I've done as far as housework was defrosting the fridge. This only entailed having Nick bring in the coolers. One day I went and got ice and emptied the savable food from the fridge section after getting ice from the gas station. The next day I emptied the freezer. This was after making sure I had like 8 or 9 frozen water bottles instead of buying ice. Less of a mess that way.

And then today I went and got groceries for the week. I put them away and emptied the coolers now that I'm sure the fridge is staying cold.

We get ice in the back of the freezer and none of the cold air will go into the fridge. It's not a self defrosting freezer. This means I usually end up losing a bunch of cheese and breads when I don't realize the fridge isn't keeping things cold.

So really, there is no reason for the exhaustion. I've been a lazy ass for a week. I'm taking my meds. I'm trying to not eat quite so much junk. Hard to do with the fridge being on the blink but still.

But I still feel like warmed over shit. The headaches are just as bad. I will say my legs haven't hurt as much lately. But then again I've been sitting mostly. My arms and hands still hurt like mad. Right now from my elbows to my shoulders just aches so bad.

The only obvious change from taking the meds is the damn green poop. I haven't had much trouble from the IBS in the last couple months thanks to extra fiber. But now, thanks to the damn iron pills, I've actually been slightly constipated.

I wouldn't mind if it meant I felt better. But I don't.

Disappointing

As much as I said I wasn't expecting a miracle, I had hoped for something good to happen.

Everything is still hurting. My arms and feet are just aching to beat the band. My head is grumpy as fuck.

The meds the doc gave me to help with the headaches is also an antidepressant. I know I can use one of those in my life. But right now I'm a weepy grumpy mess. Every little thing is making me emotional. The pain I'm in is making me emotional.

I just want to feel ok again.

And no one seems to give two shits just how broken I am.

My mother keeps calling but it feels more like she just hates not knowing what is going on. She always ends up complaining about how much her life sucks. And she always calls when I'm eating. So I end up feeling ill and my head hurts worse.

Good news? Bad news? I dunno

I've been to the doctor both yesterday and today. It's a bit mind numbing.

My PCP was good. He actually listened to me. Other than to say it had been a long time, he didn't yell at me. I'm getting lab work done next week. I go back in a month right after seeing a neurologist for some tests. He gave me a med to try. I'm hoping it helps with the headaches. I'm not expecting miracles or anything. I did wake up with a massive headache this morning so I'm hoping it isn't going to cause the opposite reaction in me like some meds. He is also having me tested for carpal tunnel later this year. In the meantime I'm to wear braces on both wrists when I'm in bed.

I went back to have my left hand checked today. I did not get good news. I'm to be on light duty for another two weeks and do physical therapy. HR is dragging their feet on determining where the physical therapy will happen. I gave her the news at 10am and I still have no clue what is going on. I'm to keep wearing the brace they gave me for the next two weeks too. That thing is hot on my hand and is stinky now because of it. I'll keep it on as much as I can though. When the doc manipulated my thumb today I wanted to curl up in a little ball because it hurt so bad. I had honestly thought I was going to be released back to regular duty today.

And once again, even though I mostly sat at the computer all day at work, I'm in enough pain to nearly cry. My legs and arms hurt really bad. I need to take a shower and take some pain meds but holy crap I don't have the energy to get up and move. My head is really starting to hurt again.

Oh and I tried a caramel frappuccino today. Still don't like coffee one bit. I suppose if it were really, really, really cold I could stomach it. But not for $2.50 a bottle. I can get a bottle of DOC360 for $1 (which I actually like) or a bottle of MT Dew for $1.25 (which I hate but can drink if really cold if I do it fast). I'm just trying to find something with a bunch of caffeine that isn't too horribly sugary that I can drink in the morning. I'm wondering if it might help the headaches and help me wake up. I can't do sugary in the morning or I get icky feeling and I get heartburn.

I totally missed getting Nick registered for school thanks to all the crap that has been going on lately. With having to fill in for my boss, my hand hurting and the headaches I just totally read the paperwork wrong. They are ok with us coming in next Friday to get his schedule and locker assignment. They move the kids every year to keep the same grades in the same hallway of lockers. I think I preferred my high school where you kept the same locker the entire time you went there. All the lockers were in one great big area under the classrooms. I never felt intimidated by the older students with lockers near me.

I'm planning on trying to sleep in tomorrow but we need to do the shopping tomorrow. We have a tax free weekend every year right before school starts. It's for kids clothes, shoes and school supplies. I know it's not saving a huge amount of money but every little bit helps. Breaking up my weekend is just going to mess with me. I really do not want to do a schedule change like I had to do this week again.

Oh well, I'm going to try and take my shower now and hit the sack early. If I'm asleep I can't feel how much my legs hurt.

I have lost perspective

I honestly don't know what a normal amount of pain is.

Is there a normal amount?

Do most people feel pain every single day?

Am I just a damn whiner?

I just don't know any more.

I don't take pain meds at home because I know I'm hurting my organs with how many I take at work. But if I don't take the pills at work I can barely move around. At home I walk like an 80 yr old.

Right now, after only doing paperwork all day, my feet, knees, hands, arms and neck/upper back are all aching. It's a constant dull crushing pain. The only sharp pain in from my left wrist if I move it too much. I need to put my brace back on after I'm done typing. Ok, as I finished typing that I realized my arches really hurt too. There are some sharp pulses up my ankles and into my shins.

Am I just being a baby about this? Is the average 40 some odd yr old in this much pain every day?

I'm just afraid my doctor is going to tell me to shut up and put up with it cause everyone hurts.

I just honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I've been used to some amount of pain for many years now. I just put it all down to the fact that I fucked my body up when I flipped my car and I just need to deal with it.

But the last couple months have just been piling up on me.

I can barely clean the house because I'm in too much pain to move around much. I only leave the house for work and grocery shopping. We haven't even gone to the movies in nearly a year. The idea of going on vacation somewhere just exhausts me to think about. I've passed up on three or four opportunities to see bands that I love because the effort would be too much.

I just spend every night sitting in front of my computer because I don't have the energy left to actually have a life outside of work. Working takes up all the energy I have. I have been trying to get more sleep in hopes that I'll have more energy after work to do the things I need to do. I'm just as tired. If not more.

Ugghhh this is not helping.

gah whine

I hate feeling like this. My hands, elbows, knees and ankles are just killing me. It's a constant ache. Kind of like someone has my joints in a vice.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that the doctor will listen to me on Thursday. Part of me wants a damn name for what is wrong. Some sort of acknowledgement of my pain.

Part of me is afraid that the doctor will say, "well you have xyz. The only treatment is OTC pain meds." I've exhausted the OTC stuff. It's just not working. To even take the edge off I'm taking almost enough to overdose.

I'm afraid he will say that the insurance will insist I do a course of OTC before getting anything stronger. This will mean weeks more of pain and more copays.

I know there isn't going to be a magic bullet that will take away all the pain. I'm used to some amount of pain. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be able to move around without cringing or wanting to puke because it hurts too bad.

I'm not going to off myself or anything. I can't do that to my son. I will not leave him to deal with my parents alone.

I just want to feel like me again.

Frustrated

So on Tuesday I hurt my left wrist. I wasn't even doing anything really. I was using my left arm to keep my balance while I leaned over and owwie! Didn't think it was any big deal and I had a meeting to get to.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the damn thing still hurts like a bitch. I kept asking my boss if the company would pay if I waited until after work to go have it looked at or if I had to go during shift. He totally blew me off. He didn't bother to email HR like I had asked. After a couple hours he hands the paperwork to me and tells me to go to HR myself.

HR lady scolded me for not having it looked at on Tuesday. If I went to the clinic every single time I felt a twinge, I would be there nearly every day. It's not unusual for something to hurt. The last time I let a sore wrist go to long I ended up in a wrist brace for 2 years. The only reason it healed up was I ended up in the office for 7 months.

So now I've got a brace that keeps me from moving my thumb and thus keeps me from being able to grab anything. Squeezing my hand is mostly what causes problems. Bossman is not impressed and is in fact kind of pissed off. I kept getting the stink eye from him Wednesday and Thursday. It's not my fault the doctor put down that I can't use my whole left arm.

So on top of the increasingly nasty headaches lately, my damn hand hurts. Today is a super bed head day. It hurts like a bitch and is making me want to yak. It's depressing the hell out of me too. I just want one damn day where I'm not hurting. It doesn't even need to be an "active" day. I would gladly sit on my ass all day and read or knit (please, please) if it meant I wasn't in pain. I fucking miss knitting. My hands and wrists ache too much to risk it though. The pain afterward just isn't worth it.

I really fucking hope the doctor listens to me on Thursday. And that he believes me when I tell him how much pain I'm in. Hopefully he won't just blame it on my weight. I gained more weight because it hurts too much to be active damn it. Not the other way around. Kind of like when they insisted the reason I was tired all the time was because I was depressed. Just ignore the fact that the fatigue came months before the depression. You try being up and happy when you are so fucking tired you could cry all the time.

And now I must lay down for a bit or I'm going to puke. The Advil Migraine didn't do a damn thing to help.

I had hope

I had hope that today would be easier. It's not supposed to be as hot or as humid today. I thought maybe my joints wouldn't hurt as much. I was wrong.

My hands, ankles and knees are the worst. Ok, my shoulders are pretty painful too. I need to go do the shopping though.

I did have to go to the store Thursday night and that was a blast. I didn't do all the shopping because it was pouring down rain and I didn't want to load and unload a whole bunch of shopping. I only went because I was out of tampons when I was convinced I had enough to wait until Friday morning to shop.

Thursday night sucked. Just as I was getting ready for bed I realized the tampon situation. No way was I going to pay probably $6 for 6 tampons at the gas station, so I went into town. And, or course, it started storming when I was 5 mins from the store. I got there and parked and just sat for ten minutes. It felt like I was in a car wash with the car being battered back and forth. I finally was able to move the car closer to the store and ran in. By the time I was done the rain had died down. Right as I got home it started storming again. And the damn kid finally listened to me for once even thought I was joking and he was asleep when I got home. I had to juggle 6 bags of groceries and unlock the door in the rain.

I stayed in the house Friday and Saturday to avoid the heat and humidity. I swear if I ever win the lottery my summers are being spent in Alaska or Washington. I just can't breathe when it's this hot.

So, today I need a haircut. I'm hoping it will help with dealing with the heat. My hair is just so damn heavy. And since I'll be farther in town than normal I'm going to hit up a different grocery store to see what's available. They have good deals on pre-made stuff there. Then I'm going to hit the regular grocery for my staples. Hopefully I won't be needing the damn electric cart by then. I have not used one since I sprained my ankle last. Or was it when I tore the tendon my left foot? There are days when I'm very tempted to use one just because I'm in enough pain.

I'm about 90% convinced to call the doctor's office on Monday. I'm really just so tired of trying to deal with the pain using OTC stuff. It just isn't cutting it. I don't like taking that stuff every damn day, all day long. I can never keep ahead of the pain anyway. I'm hoping the doc won't be an ass about my weight gain. It's sort of hard to get any exercise when it hurts to just walk across the damn house to go pee. Hard to eat better when it's painful to do dishes or cook. Easier to just buy prepackaged stuff.

sigh

There are days when I wish I were the sort to do illegal drugs.

Sometimes the pain just really gets to me. At the moment my hands and feet really just ache so bad. I wish there was a pain pill strong enough to make it go away. I have such a high resistance to pain meds that most don't do shit for me.

And then there are days when the emotional shitstorm that is my life gets to be too much. Sure I could drink but that just makes me more depressed and blue. I don't get hangovers but I'm just not a happy drunk. It doesn't help me sleep or help me forget. I just get quiet and depressed and most of the time I end up crying. I don't drink nearly as often as I should.

I usually hoard my prescription pain meds. I never need all the pills that they give me for an injury. I save them for days when my back or hands get too painful. Alas, I'm totally out.

I am at the point where all I have left is over the counter crap. I quite literally take doses that are high enough to make doctors I know blanch. I generally try to only take OTC pain meds when I'm at work. If they can help me get through my shift, I'll take them. But I take way too many of them. And they barely even touch the pain. I bought some Advil Migraine to help with the headaches at work. You are only supposed to take 400mg of the acetaminophen per 24 hours. That made me laugh. That does did last me for a couple hours and did actually help the pain. I ended up taking another dose later though. And if I'm taking it in regular pill form I normally take 3 times that.

At home I will take old prescription pain meds. Or I might take one shot of something containing booze. I don't take the OTC stuff because I know the doses I take aren't good for you. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are in pain and nothing works?

I don't want to be seen as a drug seeker when I go see a doctor. I have to admit that I was a bit miffed that the ER doc didn't give me anything for at home when I went the other day. All they really gave me was benadryl and and anti nausea med via IV. Explains why I still had a pretty good headache when I left the ER. I was still at at least a 6 but if they weren't going to do anything else to help I would rather be in my own bed than laying on a gurney bored out of my mind.

sigh

I think I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say. My brain wanders when I'm in this much pain. Hands and feet are killing me and I'm getting a worse headache than normal. Once the sun goes down, my fat ass is hitting the sheets.

Guilty

I experience great guilt when I want to complain about pain. Well in certain places on the interwebs anyway.

I know people that suffer with chronic pain disorders. They are in constant pain and push through most of the time. They don't complain about it much.

I've not been diagnosed with anything. They looked into fibro and arthritis at one point years ago. Doc said I didn't have either.

But I am in pain. Almost every day. Almost all the time.

I only take pain pills while I'm at work. People tend to look at me funny when they see me limp or walk stiffly. I've had a few people make comments in the last month.

My right hip is almost always stiff anymore. When I stand up and try to walk, my right leg drags for a bit until I can loosen the joint up.

Both of my knees have been acting up more and more. The other day I sat with my right foot behind my knee for about half and hour. I couldn't move my leg afterward. The sharp pain in my knee was so bad that I could barely stand to pick my leg up with my hands and move my foot forward. I've had to have my son pick up my leg and move my foot for me a few times because of my knee. And by sit with my foot behind my knee, I just mean my foot on the ground was behind my knee above it. I don't sit with my feet tucked up or my legs crossed. I know that won't end well.

My ankles have been cracking like crazy lately. I try not to twist them much but I do it unconsciously and then my ankles ache if they crack. Don't get me started on the bottom of my left foot. I'm starting to wish that the doctors had looked into fixing the tendon I tore. I almost always feel like I'm walking with something stuck to my foot.

And the worst is my hands. My fingers and wrists just ache so bad sometimes. Icy Hot and the like don't do anything but annoy my nose. I like the smell of Tiger Balm better but I don't think it does much. I haven't been knitting at all because my hands just hurt too much.

The headaches I can deal with. I've had most of a lifetime to get used to them. I thankfully only get really bad ones occasionally. I'm sure my definition of really bad is a bit skewed though. As long as I can see and I'm not throwing up or wanting to, it's not a bad one. Yesterday's headache was a bad one.

Maybe I should go back to the doctor. I'm just tired of them telling me there isn't really anything wrong and it's all in my head. Getting the IBS diagnosis was hard. And it's not like they actually gave me anything to help with it. But at least now I have a viable excuse for not eating foods I know will upset me.

And none of this really has a point. I just wish I had people that I could complain to that would commiserate with me. I feel guilty about complaining to most of the people I know. They have it so much worse. Sometimes I just can't imagine going on if I were in more pain that I already am in. I'm not as strong as they are.

Feeling it

I'm feeling super alone lately. I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I haven't in a while and frankly I don't see it happening ever again.

I'm tired of feeling like people are only putting up with me. The only person that really talks to me at work, other than to ask for help, does so only because she is a total gossip. She feeds off having people listen to her crap.

I don't feel like trying is even worth it anymore. Nothing works. Trying just makes it hurt worse.

pain

I'm having a very bad pain day.

It actually started yesterday while I was at the park. I sat wrong at the picnic table. My foot was behind my knee instead of under it. By the time I went to move my leg forward, I couldn't. I had to pick my leg up using my hands and then manually move my foot forward. It hurt like a sum'bitch.

I've done this before with my knee. It's not something I think about consciously but I think I need to start. The last time I did it, I had to have the kid move my leg for me. He does it faster because he can't feel how much it hurts.

I didn't sleep for shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours and in the bathroom. I hate the first 2 days of my period. I'm subconsciously terrified that I'll make a mess of my bed, so I don't sleep. I ended up staying up for a bit at 5am. I was too damn tired and ended up laying down again. Lots of really weird dreams about my parents. It always happens after I see a family member.

So, I didn't get out of bed until noon. Kind of ruins the day. All of my joints are screaming at me. And I'm trying to find the energy to go get groceries. I should have bought them yesterday but I was just ready to be home. Between the park and visiting one grocery store, I was done. I didn't buy all the groceries there because they are expensive compared to where I normally shop. They were running a good sale on a couple things I needed though.

My arms and hands are just aching like crazy today. Every little movement of my hands hurts. So why am I typing then? Because it doesn't matter if I'm typing or just flexing my hands. It all hurts the same and it only gets worse if I try not to move them.

Time to put the clothes in the dryer. Can't go shopping until the bras are dry.

wheeee more whining

I feel so damn fucked up right now. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I saw my mom on Thursday. I just can't deal with her. She always mentions how my brother just runs from her when he sees her. I'm so close to doing the same. She reassured my that my dad doesn't hate me for what happened. Funny, but I hate him for it all. I hate that I don't get to see my nieces hardly ever. I hate that he has made my mom into the bad guy. There have been no nightmares this time but I've just felt super low on energy. I just feel super alone.

Physically I'm a mess. I've got massive headaches going on. My hands are all fucked up. My joints hurt like a bitch. I'm sure it has something to do with the forced dehydration I dealt with at work on Wed and Thurs. We didn't have working bathrooms in our building because of renovations. So going to the bathroom meant a 20 minute trip. Wednesday afternoon I felt super horrible.

I'm just feeling super low and blue and alone. I have no clue what the hell to do about it. I don't really drink much of anything anymore. So I can't really get drunk to try and forget. Well I guess I could but I won't. I would probably just break down sobbing and feel even worse. My head hurts enough already tyvm.

And the headaches wouldn't be so damn bed if the kid would stop playing his horrible video game music so loud. 99.9999% of the time, I hate the music played in the background of games. I turn it off when I can and I've given up games where I can't. He has some sort of love affair with it though. He fight dances to it with it turned up. Makes me want to slam doors and scream at him to turn it off.

Ugghhhh I just need to go take a shower and sleep for 12 hours again. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get lately. It's never enough. The more I sleep the more tired I am.

Not ignoring the blog!

We broke all our sales records last month. Now it is time to make all the things. Mandatory overtime is mandatory. Tired Frod is super fucking tired.

Just one order that we are working on calls for almost two months worth of material. And it all has to be done like yesterday. And there is another massive order coming up behind it.

So to avoid getting sick again I've been trying to get more sleep. I usually get by on 4 1/2 to 5 hours a night during the week. I make up for it on Friday by sleeping in. I can't do that when we are working mandatory 10 hrs over. This leaves me with only two days off and I can't sleep all day Saturday and feel like I had time off.

It's not helping that I'm not 100% over being sick last month. My lungs never fully recovered. I'm out of breath a lot more than normal. And about twice a week I have to go across campus and up a huge flight of stairs to get to training sessions. I usually feel like dying by the time I get to the top of the stairs.

The new twist is that my stupid headaches are making me smell cigarette smoke when there is no smoke anywhere around. Shouldn't be a big deal except I'm allergic. My stupid body smells smoke and automatically tells itself to start coughing. Doesn't matter that the damn smoke isn't real. So my chest is hurting from coughing.

And this is the time of year that I hate the worst. The temp changes by 10 to 20 degrees during the day. Even if the thermostat is set at the same temp all day it's alternating between being sweltering in here or being freezing. I leave for work and I'm shivering but when I go to leave I'm sweating. This is not helping keep me healthy.

So yeah, I'm tired and ornery but nothing major is going on. Only cool thing is that I wrote a small drabble and published it on AO3 and it has actually gotten a positive response. I didn't even share it on Tumblr or anything. People are finding it and liking it. I've got another idea for a story and as soon as I'm able to stay awake long enough I'll write it up.

But right now I"m going to go read for a few before I go to bed.

I work with weirdos

Seriously, they are all weird. Two of them are plotting to get me a new position in the company. One that doesn't even exist. They didn't ask my opinion. They just started campaigning with our boss.

Basically they are trying to get me to be an inside material handler for our department. All our raw materials are stored outside. We have to call the head material handler for outside when we want something. He then calls one of the guys on the forktrucks to bring the stuff to the door. It can take quite a while to get materials. Sometimes this leads to my coworkers struggling to keep busy while waiting because they didn't plan far enough ahead for what they would need. They want me to plan out what will be run and do all the material requests and keep things flowing. Well, the planning part is really my boss's job. So is calling in the big stuff that we will need. Usually it's the interim stuff that the guys end up waiting for because the big stuff is already done. I should mention that most of the guys hate calling in materials.

I already do more than what my actual job is. My job is supposed to just be cutting and running materials. Sign in, do my job, make labels and put shit away. Somehow I'm also in charge of making outside labels for half the crew. Not to mention being the one everyone goes to when they can't find something or don't know where to put something when they are done with it. Half the guys don't know how to look at their time cards or how to put in a vacation request. So I act the part of secretary. My boss is constantly handing me slips of paper with part numbers on them and asking me to look into "that". This means figuring out what we have on hand against what the system says we have and figuring out why they don't match. And in my little corner of the building, I keep an eye on inventory and request jobs to fill empty racks.  Not to mention that my boss tends to ask me to send emails for him or write up papers and stuff for him.When we transitioned to our new system last year, I spent months working on inventory and helping with paperwork in the office. I spent months not doing anything to do with my regular job and spending my time helping keep the system cleared up and inventory straight. Oh and when the boss is gone, I do his job. The only thing I don't normally do is approve timecards, although I do know how to do it.

Part of me wants to transition to more of a support position. One where I'm doing mostly paperwork and stuff and not actually lifting material. I kind of got used to it last year. The other part is not super happy about the weight I gained from sitting on my ass for 7 months. heh I'm having more health issues lately and my pain levels are not good. The idea of not straining myself is a good one. Not that my job is all that horribly physically demanding. Just the whole being on my feet for 10 hours and repeatedly lifting shit and moving it around. I'm having more trouble with my stupid ankle lately. I am so not hip to the whole being able to feel the damn thing more than usual. You would think that 20 plus years would be too long for nerve damage to start reversing.

Mostly I'm just fucking tired all the time. And my head hurts. I probably need to have my eyes checked. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Not sure what the hell the point of this rant was.

mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.

figured it out

Yup it's kidney stones and/or a UTI. Not a whole lot of pain but it's annoying. Headache is worse. And my damn blood sugar is kind of wonky. I had some protein and that helped for a little bit. Gonna be an early night tonight.

not good

I don't really know what's going on. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral. I'm sitting here fighting tears when nothing is really going on that should make me want to cry.

Physically I'm feeling about 70%. I've got a headache and my back hurts a bit. I've got a stomach ache because I haven't eaten much. None of it is zomg pain or agony.

Since yesterday I've just felt very off and near tears. It's not pms. It's not been quite two weeks since the last so the next is a few weeks off.

Part of it is probably the time change and the damn rainy windy weather. I haven't been sleeping for shit. And oh how the rain has been making my joints hurt. Joints aren't too bad today.

I have tons of shit I should be doing right now. All I'm interested in is reading or sleeping though. I suppose I should eat something and see if that helps.

Well shit

I'm finally over the cold I've had for nearly a month. Now, I have a sinus infection. It hurts a lot. I am not happy. Nothing I've taken has helped much. I have a nasty combo of stuff in my system right now which has edged the pain off. But zomg I'm sleepy now. I could use the sleep so I'm ok with that. I just wish this damn sinus infection would go away already. I'm sick of being sick and in pain. I can't take much more of it.