I'm a sap

Beck - Loser

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins and now i've become the junkie
with the plastic eyeballs, spray paint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
kill the headlights and put it in neutral
stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
baby's in Reno with the vitamin D
got a couple of couches sleep on the love seat
someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain
about a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
don't believe everything that you breathe
you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
so shave your face with some mace in the dark
savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park

(yo cut it)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

(double-barrel buckshot)

Soy un perdedor
i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'cuz one's got a weasel and the other's got a flag
one's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
the daytime crap with the folksinger slop
he hung himself with a guitar string
slap the turkey neck and it's hangin' on a pigeon wing
you can't write if you can't relate
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
and my time is a piece of wax fallin' on a termite
that's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

(get crazy with the cheeze whiz)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

(drive-by body pierce)

(yo bring it on down)

soooooooyy....

(I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

(I can't believe you)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

[repeat]

(This pregnancy is killing you, baby)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

(Know what I'm sayin'?)

_______________________________

I had planned to take pictures tomorrow. I was going to clean house too. I was even going to take a nap for awhile.

But instead I get to go to work!!! I am soooooo thrilled.

I'm also a damn sucker. lmao

Got a call from the boss. Turns out they had a 3 hour window with no work study to do dishes tomorrow. So I get to go in. Someday I will learn how to say no. sob sob

I've been tagged.

No, I didn't forget that Susie tagged me the other day. I've just been tired. Not that that has changed.

‘The 7 Weird Things About Me’ meme

So, here are the rules.
1. Link to your tagger and post rules
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog

Oh the pressure to whittle it down to only 7 weird things. lol

1. Apparently, I'm unable to sleep on Tuesday nights. Yup last night was another night of getting up and laying down repeatedly. Had a horrible tummy ache and finally had to throw up. Looked at the clock afterwards and it was 2am. Tossed and turned like crazy the rest of the night.

2. I can't feel heat, cold or surface pain in my left leg or part of my torso. I have massive nerve damage from a car accident almost 14 years ago. I have learned how to tell the difference between hot and cold water with my left leg though. It tingles differently.

3. The book of checks I'm currently using is over 10 years old. lol Am finally ready to order a new box though. lmao

4. I've read nearly every single book written by Stephen King. I own just about all of them too. Some in both hardback and paperback.

5. I love heavy metal music. Current favorites are Disturbed and Korn. But I also listen to boy bands. :-O Much prefer the heavy stuff though. lol

6. I have no fewer than 15 UFOs right now. That doesn't even count the half started self designed lace that is laying all over my house.

7. I'm the oldest of 8 kids but have only ever lived with one of my brothers. And no I'm not that much older than the rest of them. lol We are all grown and on our own now.

And now to break the rules. I hate tagging people. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. If you wanna be that is. LOL

Now I'm off to make some phone calls and see if I can keep some food down.

I suck

I promised pictures. . . . . I haven't touched the camera other than to move it out of my way.

I promised a surprise. . . . . I haven't worked on it at all.

I have knit a bit though. I've got 12 rows left of the body on the Galveston shawl. The row I'm currently working on has 898 stitches. Each row has an additional 8 stitches. Each row takes a very long time. lol

I haven't started clue 2 of the Autumn shawl yet. I did download the clue. And I've looked at the finished pics. But I haven't knit it yet. I haven't touched the Swan Lake stole or Etain. Or any of my other projects on the needles or hooks.

I got my stitches out this morning. Doc said my cut looks great. I had expected it to hurt a little, but there was hardly any discomfort at all. I just have to watch it for a few days to make sure an infection doesn't develop.

I spent the morning at Mom's trying to fill out an application online for some insurance. Their server kept taking a shit on me. Only the first page would save. There are like 10 pages. So in the morning I have to call the 800 number and see if I can just fax one pay stub that was missing in the first place or fill out the app that I printed and fax that.

While messing with that, I downloaded a program that lets you snag videos off of YouTube. I also downloaded a nifty little program that lets you watch the flv files on your pc easily. So I now have about 5 videos about Alan Rickman on my flash drive. hehe He is just too damn hot. I have got to see Snow Cake. I downloaded a preview of it and omg, he is just awesome.

Nick got his cast off this afternoon. He was very nervous at first. He was afraid is arm was going to hurt. After the nurse left after removing the cast, he asked if he was getting another one. He got upset when I said no. After he moved it around a bit though he realized that his arm wasn't going to be all wiggly like when he broke it. I guess he remembers more of the pain than he has let on. The doc says that his arm looks really good and is healing well.

Nick has to sit out PE and recess for the next 2 weeks. He is not happy about that. We had a long talk about how he has got to be very careful for the next few weeks. No running and jumping and no bouncing on the bed. I think I got through to him that he has to be careful that he doesn't hit his arm on anything.

We made a short visit out to my folk's house so they could see his poor lil skinny arm. The muscles have really disappeared big time. The skin looks real icky right now. Lots of dead skin. We have told him not to pick at it. I put lots of lotion on his arm after he soaked in the tub for awhile. The doc says the skin should look more normal in a week.

I'm having some very annoying pc problems. I think it has more to do with the fact that it has been on all day long. Lately I've been having to shut it off a lot. I can't leave it sit powered up for more than 2 hours without using it or it will lock up. The only thing I can do when it locks up is to flip the switch in the back. Well today I have been at the pc every hour or so, so I haven't had to shut it down. I think it is just being cranky. lol

Kind of reminds me of my body. I am soo tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get. I'm still beat. The alarm actually went off this morning for 15 minutes before I heard it. Granted it was on the floor and partially covered by a shirt and it isn't very loud. But still. 15 minutes!!! And I got no nap today. I was too busy doing stuff today.

Ok, I need to hit the sack. I've got stuff to do tomorrow before I go wash dishes. Not to mention I need to get the house cleaned up. Turns out there may be an inspection next week. gggggaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I hate inspections. Plus, I need to find the envelope that has my new credit cards in it. I have a bad feeling I threw it away thinking it was an application for a new card. sigh And I'm almost out of checks. So pretty soon I will have no way to pay my dang bills. lol Wonder if the phone company takes PayPal. lmao j/k

I'm ok, U'r ok

Well varying degrees of ok anyway. lol

BTW this happens to be my 400th post. Pretty scary if ya ask me.

I finished the first clue of the current autumn mystery shawl from GoddessKnits. The thought of setting up for pictures and then connecting the camera just makes me wanna cry. I am Tired.

I took a nap today but it wasn't quite enough. Shoot I even laid down again a little while ago and fell asleep for a few minutes. I am not really all that psyched up for work tomorrow. At least Bluto won't be there. hehe He won't be back from a trip with his girlfriend until sometime tomorrow night. The man just makes me want to smack him half the time.

The elbow is fine and dandy. it looks like it is healing just fine. No scabs and not obvious infection. Hopefully the nurse will be pleased on Monday when I get my stitches out. The kid's arm is doing fine. I do believe he gets his cast off on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to him not having an excuse to make annoying noises with his cast.

Once again he got in trouble for making noise during class today. He has not had one day this week where he didn't get in trouble. He was already warned that if he didn't behave himself at school that he wouldn't be going to the school festival. So he gets to spend the day at his Nana's house with no tv or computer instead of getting to play games. We are having a really difficult time getting him to behave at school. He doesn't seem to care if we take away his tv and computer. I'm about to take all his toys away too.

I've got a secret project I'm working on. I'll be ready to share it with y'all next week. I need to get some pictures taken and get some links together before I can really share it.

For now, I'm going to go find something to munch on and then hit the sack. Have I mentioned that I HATE getting up at 4:30 in the morning?? lmao

Moving on

Have you ever had a relationship that you just couldn't move on from?

It struck me last night that I've been in a holding pattern now for over 4 years. My last real relationship just about killed me. I couldn't let go of the pain and he didn't seem to want to let me move on. I tried for a clean break because of how hurt I was by the things that went on. For months he kept contacting me. He might lay off for a month or two, but there was always that late night call to bring it all up again.

I've hidden away here from the "real" world in order to keep myself from ever having to feel that way again. Only I just really haven't been living much. To be honest, outside of work, I have very little contact with the "real" world. I spend my free time online, alone in my room. I have a very select few people that I talk to on messenger and a few that I contact through their blogs. Other than my mom, I have no one to just call up and chat with in my area.

I've shut myself away from anyone that was a possible friend. I do not keep in contact with anyone from high school. I have emailed one friend that moved out to California, but haven't heard back from her yet. I'm hopeful though. I don't have contact with anyone from past jobs. Even the one I had for 9 years.

I have no one that I can go shopping with. No one to grab lunch with. If I want to see a movie it has to be kid friendly or I have to go alone. I don't even know where to go or how to meet people. So I sit here alone.

I realized last night that it has been about a year or more since the ex last contacted me. He was trying to apologize for being an ass. I hung up on him. But still in the back of my mind I waited. Oh he will call sooner or later. He always does. But he hasn't.

Google is a wonderful thing to play with but you have to be careful what you learn. You see, I know all the IDs that the ex used. So last night after being amazed at how much info I found on myself, I googled the ex. I had already known that he claimed to be married, but well I claim on my yahoo ID that I'm married too. And then last night I found his wedding picture.

And it hit me that he has moved on. And I haven't.

You have to understand that I've only had two really serious relationships. One with my son's father and one with the ex. Sure there have been fleeting relationships that didn't leave a lasting mark, but these two tore at my very soul. I lived with my son's father. We were engaged when I became pregnant. Soon afterwards I realized he didn't want to live up to his responsibilities. For all of his talk about wanting kids, he ran away scared. I've only talked to him once on the phone in the last 8 years.

After he left, all of my abandonment issues went into overdrive. I didn't trust anyone. I had myself a mini breakdown. Suicide crossed my mind more than once. But how could I do that knowing I was pregnant? So I hid away. I worked and read and crocheted.

Then I met the ex. He was always around and knew just what to say. Oh I sure know how to fall for the talkers. They both had their dreams and were aces at telling me what they "were going to do". It never hit me that the reason the ex was always around was because he just wasn't working hardly at all. He gave me all the attention that I had been missing for the 3 years since the last guy left. We were together for a year. I was happier than I had ever been.

And then he changed. We had made plans to move in together and get married. But things got put off. There was always the excuse. As soon as he got some money together. As soon as family stuff settled down. And then he cheated. And he chose her instead. But he wouldn't let me go either. I cut things off but he called constantly. He was sorry. She was nuts. He wanted me back. And I said too bad, soo sad and would hang up.

But I didn't move on. I waited for him to show up. I was sure that if he was really sorry like he said that he would show up. But he didn't. And when I would start to heal, he would call. And again the cycle would start. But now, he isn't going to show up. I honestly hope he has changed and doesn't hurt his wife the way he hurt me and the gal he dated before her.

But, I'm sitting here realizing I'm alone. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept being angry. Angry that he moved on and I hadn't. Yes it's been four years, but when I love, I love hard. I think the only reason I was able to let go of the kid's father is because how much I hated him. Hated him for leaving me to raise Nick on my own. With the ex, I made excuses for why he did what he did.

So I'm sitting here having got three hours of sleep. I'm sick to my stomach thanks to that wonder that is IBS. I threw up last night for the first time in quite a while. Just to make that ache stop for a little while.

And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. What now? I don't have anyone to just hand out with. I don't attend church. I have issues with the whole religion thing. Do I go and sit through a sermon that will only irk me just in the hopes that someone will talk to me. I've always had anxiety about speaking to strangers, so just striking up a conversation with someone is scary for me. I have no contact with my siblings, so having them help me out isn't an option. They don't know me well enough to make introductions with anyone that would have similar interests.

I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I don't think I have much to offer someone right now. I have way too many issues. I'm just wishing I had some friends to hang out with. Anyone. But I have no clue where to begin.

I always thought the end of something was the hardest part. In reality, it is the beginning.

*This post brought to you by raging PMS and lack of sleep*

I R Slow

And tired too.

Here is my war wound.



Yeah I know it's pretty small and I am a wuss. lol Well I did go back to work afterwards. Most everyone I have talked to in the last few days asked if I got to go home. lol

Not much interesting going on around here. Fixed the plug on my son's vcr and snatched it for my own room. They messed around with the times for some of my favorite day time shows and I need 2 vcrs in order to record them now. hehe Don't feel to sorry for the kid about losing his vcr. It isn't like he has a tv in his room anymore. I still haven't bought a new tv for the living room so his is still out there. When he complained about losing his tv, I reminded him that I bought that tv a good 7 years before he was born. lol

I started on the Autumn mystery shawl from GoddessKnits.com. I've only got 30 rows done so far, so no pics yet. I'm using Fiddlesticks Knitting Country Silk in Spice. They no longer have the colorway that Renee was using but she recommended this one. I'm not totally in love with the yarn to tell ya the truth. When I wound the ball and took it off the winder, I actually broke the tail of the yarn off. I'm gonna have to be careful with this yarn. It's 50% wool, 30% silk and 20% nylon and 800m per 250g. Much thicker than what I usually use on shawls.

I've completed another row or two on the Galveston shawl. Not enough for progress pics yet. I haven't touched Etain aka the last mystery shawl. Nor have I been working on Swan Lake. Just too tired. In fact, I would love to take another nap just about now. Unfortunately, it is time for me to get ready to go get the munchkin from school. Cross your fingers that he behaved himself today.

more proof

That I'm a complete and total klutz.

The pipe that we bend at work comes in bundles. These bundles are held together using metal banding. When it is time to use the pipe, we have to cut the metal banding off.

Today some metal banding attacked me.

At first I thought it was just another of the many many scratches I've gotten while working here. Ummm not quite. The banding hit my elbow. So long as I kept my arm straight there was very little blood. When I bent my arm, the blood started flowing like crazy and omg part of the cut was deep.

Supervisor guy, Fuzz, figured a couple bandaids would suffice. Thankfully one of the ladies that works in another area came over to use the computer and agreed that it looked bad. The bigwig in the office offered to call an ambulance or call ahead to the clinic for me. I opted for the call ahead.

TJ was a great help. He helped me get my work gloves off. He also got the gauze out and put some on for me and wrapped my arm in a pressure bandage. Turns out while I was gone, he was the one to clean up the drops on the floor too.

But anyways, once TJ had me ready for transport, I drove myself to the clinic. After about an hours wait for the doc to see me, I got 4 handy dandy stitches. I tell ya the Novocaine shots hurt like a bitch. By the time he sewed me up I was feeling no pain. I squirmed though cause the idea of him sewing up my elbow grossed me out. lol The nurse reused the pressure bandage that TJ put on my arm and in fact I'm still wearing it. Much easier than using tape or bandages.

Tomorrow after work my mom is going to clean my elbow good for me. Then maybe I'll take some pics to share with y'all. hehe

It's a little tender, but not real sore. Hurts about as much as if it had just been a good sized scratch. I'm just looking forward to tomorrow when I can take a real shower. I can't get a bag tied around my arm to keep the stitches dry. So I had to suffice with a quick bath. I hate my tub.

Ok, time to get the kid in bed and pass out myself. I hate getting up at 4:30am.

absolute brainfart

I just can't seem to figure it out.

The drop spindle has bested me. lol

I bought one off of eBay a month or so ago. yeah I know I didn't post pictures. I'm a butt.

I've watched a couple videos on YouTube. I've downloaded instructions from various sites.

All I ended up doing was making the test yarn on the spindle tear apart. Then I turned it into something resembling floss. My roving is attached, but it isn't looking a thing like yarn. The twist is not going up into the roving at all.

I think I'll stick to the knitting. sigh

I didn't forget

Don't think anyone could. But with the whole depression shit going on around here I have tried not dwell on it.

Just try to live everyday like it could be your last.

It could be.

Feeling guilty

Yup, I've been ignoring y'all. I'm a baaaaad girl. If there were someone here to spank me for it, I would let them. Ok, so maybe I might enjoy that just a lil bit too much for it to be punishment. lmao

Today was my first day off of work without the kid around in almost 2 weeks. And what did I do with my day? I slept of course. lol I've been so tired lately it isn't funny. Not very unusual for me though. Tomorrow I have off work too. But, the kid will be home. We are going to spend the day cleaning and doing art projects.

We just got back from Wal-Mart and the Dollar Tree. We picked up a bunch of art supplies. I got two scrap booking type storage drawer units to house it all. The kid is an awesome artist in my estimation. I may be a bit biased, but I swear he is good.




He drew these all on his own. I had nothing to do with it. All I did was scan them and sharpen the images. You can see more of his sketches at my other Flickr account. The kid draws better than I do.

There has been knitting. I've put aside the apricot mystery shawl called Etain. I'm very close to finishing the second clue, but I discovered something the other day. I am on the last clue before the edging of the purple Galveston shawl!! I'm actually halfway through the clue too. Row 18 of 34. I am tickled beyond all get out. So, I'm going to concentrate on finishing this one.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to be starting the next 2 mystery shawls from GoddessKnits or the Secret of the Stole KAL. God damn I'm weak. lmao I've got the yarn for the fall themed mystery from GK. I just paid for the yarn for the Halloween mystery shawl. It should be here within a month. I'm not too worried about keeping up cause I know I'm not going to. In the same order, I've got 3 more colors of yarn to chose from for the SoS.

I swear tomorrow I'll take some pictures of the yarn I've bought in the last couple months that I haven't talked about. There hasn't been much but still I should have posted pics. I've got 4 colors of Purewool laceweight ordered. Basically they are not solid colors but not variegated. I ordered 2 skeins each of a blue, green, brown and red. The red will be for the Halloween shawl. Any of the other 3 should work for the theme of the SoS. Or I just may go with the yellow lace weight I have in my stash. I'm thinking it might be Purewool too. I will have to dig it out to be sure. But it is the same yarn as what I'm using on the Galveston shawl but a diff color of course.

And I just started a new crochet project. When we were at the Dollar Tree, I picked up 3 finger towels with Halloween appliques on them. I'm going to make them into refrigerator towels for my mom. I've almost got the attaching row done on the first one and then it won't take much time at all to finish. Hopefully, she will like them.

Ok, I'm off to try and get some work done. I've got so many projects going that it isn't funny and I need to get some done. I swear from this moment, only the projects I'm signed up for already will be cast on. No other new projects. It's time to finish some stuff. Yeah right! lmao

I love my mother

But I do not like her.

The more time I spend with her, the more I want to run away and hide. Today was only the 3rd day that we worked together. We only actually are there at the same time for about 3 and a half hours each day. Within a half hour of getting to work today she had me in tears and near to having a breakdown. I even threatened to just leave.

My son has behavior issues. He whines when he doesn't think he can do something or he isn't allowed to do what he wants. He can have a meltdown about the simplest thing. He got in trouble at school again yesterday. I thought I had dealt with the problem appropriately. I gave him a time out when he got home. Then before the tv came on he had to do his homework. Then he was allowed to watch his PBS cartoons.

Today my mom kept coming back in the wash room saying stuff about how she doesn't know what the school is going to do about him. If he doesn't start behaving they are going to send him back to first grade. If he doesn't behave they are going to ship him off to the other school where they have extra help for kids with problems. I kept telling her I didn't know what to do with him. And she kept on about how he is going to get kicked out of school.

The kid has been back in school for about a week and a half. Most days he has had one incident of whining. He isn't violent. He just whines. And my mom's solution is to go immediately to the worst case scenario. I kept telling her to just stop. Then she yelled at me cause I raised my voice. But she wouldn't freakin stop yapping about him getting expelled. I begged her to just stop. So she starts in with fine, I won't talk to you. And she keeps going. By this time I was nearly hysterical telling her to just stop.

Finally our boss came in and told her to not do this here at work. And she finally left. I cried for about 20 minutes while I did dishes. Our boss came in and said she talked to my mom and told her just not to discuss it at work. I apologized to her and said that Mom just doesn't know how to stop when she knows I'm getting upset.

So for the rest of the day Mom wouldn't talk to me. Heck she would barely look at me. So now she is pissed off at me because she got yelled at. And all she had to do was drop the damn discussion when I first asked her to. But it's my fault.

We didn't even make it 3 days without fighting.

tired

My body is tired. My brain is tired.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I've had lots going through this ole brain of mine. I feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads. I keep wondering what the hell I've been doing and where the hell am I going.

I'm feeling pulled in a couple directions. There are things that I really want to do but am unable to do for one reason or another. Sometimes I can almost see where it is I want to be going and then a roadblock pops up. My life has always seemed like one big roadblock after another.

I think a lot of my current mood started the day I had my lil conniption fit. I just feel this hole in my life. I can't quite fill that hole. I'm not really sure how to do it.

I'm seriously lacking in self discipline and motivation right now. I need to get my butt in gear and get a few things in my life straightened out. Part of me is afraid of having everything in order though. Hmmm could that be why my house is usually such a mess? lol

I'm a work in progress I guess.

Speaking of which, I have done about 10 rows on the latest mystery shawl from Renee at GodessKnits. She has released the final pattern and it is called Etain. And omg is the finished pattern so beautiful. And HUGE!!! I swear I will finish it. someday hehehehe I've also done about 6 or so rows on the mystery stole. It too will be finished eventually. I think I need to cut back on some groups I'm in. I have to realize that I just don't crochet much at all any more and there isn't much of a reason to belong to so many groups where I don't know anyone any more and I don't really follow too many of the conversations.

Ok, time for me to get ready for bed. I'm just pooped.

I'm still alive

I've survived another weekend. But omg I'm so tired I could cry.

I think I need to find myself a personal masseuse cause I ache everywhere. So, if any of y'all know some big ole adonis type that likes to rub on middle aged chubby chicks, lemmie know m'kay?

In Demand

Grrrrrrrr Blogger won't allow me to embed a YouTube video.

I really like this video though on a number of levels.

Texas: In Demand (with Alan Rickman)

For one, Alan Rickman is HOT!! He looks super sexy dancing. I swear I'm now going to have to just go down the list of movies he has done and rent them all. I've seen a few of them but not nearly all of them. I have this thing for British actors. mmmmmm

And also, it is a pretty good song. Not my usual musical style, but I like it. Swear I think Ally is going to be downloading their music for awhile. She found a bunch of their music listed and loves it. hehe

And now I must head to bed. I've got to work in a few hours!! lol

Holy crap Batman

I've got myself a part time job!!

Interview took all of about 2 minutes. lmao

I'll be working about 4 hours a day washing dishes at the school where my mom works in the cafeteria. She has said for years that she didn't want me working there. hehe The last time my dad mentioned it, I do believe her exact words were: "I love you but heeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllll no!"

She actually is the one that told me to go talk to her boss. I guess they have been swamped. They don't have any workstudy kids helping out and they are a person short. The pay isn't great, but oh well. It's close enough that I could walk to work if I really wanted to. But I went to that school for 2 years and I only walked twice. lol

I start tomorrow morning, so I need to get my butt in gear. I had saved up my shopping and laundry to be done tomorrow. Ummmm yeah not so much now. I desperately need to go buy myself some new jeans for work. I swear all of my jeans now have holes in them in spots that just look real bad. LOL

Steppin my way closer to getting my bigger apartment. :O)

PS Thanks to everyone that responded to my outburst the other day. Just writing it down really helped.

PPS The new shawl is Zephyr in Apricot. I love this yarn. hehe

Knitting update

I've finally finished clue 1 of Mystery Shawl 4. Yep, last clue was released last Saturday. And I just finished the first clue. I'm a knitting putz.

I should have put it on longer circs cause I didn't have enough slack to block it out at all. As it is, it is already 19 inches across.



Here is a close up of one section of the shawl.



And a close up of the center of the shawl.



I think the center is just too pretty.

I've already started the second clue. Ok, so only one row almost done but still.

Btw, the reason for the bobby pin in the first picture? There was a section of yarn that was kind of icky. The silk ply looked like someone had gotten it wet and coated it with dust. It was thick and gross looking. I didn't notice it until I had gotten back around on the next row. It took me a few times of picking at it to get all the gunk out. Now it just looks a little dusty/dirty. I'm sure a good wash when I'm done will clear the rest of it up.

They lie

They always try to tell us that time heals all wounds. This is all just a bunch of bullshit.

Time doesn't heal shit. Time just distracts us from the pain. It takes our focus away so that the pain doesn't drive us mad.

But it comes back. With no warning and out of the blue. It smacks you in the face and rips out your guts. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. The pain is still as horrible as the day it happened.

Anyone that has lost someone that they loved knows this all to well. Especially if you didn't get to say goodbye. Didn't get to tell that person just one more time how much they meant to you.

It rips my heart out remembering. But I can't forget. It could have been just yesterday. I woke up one day to realize that this person was gone. 'Forever, with no chance to touch them one more time. No chance to say " I love you " Not even a chance to see them smile again. There was no closure. No ending to the pain.

I still wake up at night crying out for this person. Reaching for the hand that isn't there. And never will be. I've screamed out for someone, anyone, to stop this pain. For someone to take it back. To bring my love back to me. Even just for a moment.

I've begged. I've pleaded. I've even tried to bargain. If only they could come back, I would give up having known them. Just so they could be back. Or even to have said take me instead. But now that one is harder. If I had gone instead, there wouldn't be my son. And I love him beyond reason. I can't allow myself to wish him away even for the sake of the one I lost.

He doesn't even know about this person I lost. All he knows is that sometimes Mommy gets really sad. Sometimes she wakes up crying. I always try to hide how much I'm hurting from him. I'm not always so good at it.

All I can do it try and use the pain as a kick in the ass. A kick that tells me to stop fucking things up. Stop wasting what I've got when lord knows I don't deserve it. Never forget what I've lost and what it cost me. And damn me to hell if I ever forget.

Travis Tritt - Tell Me I Was Dreaming

When I woke up this morning
Wiped the sleep from my eyes
I found a new day dawning
And suddenly I realize
You're gone

Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

I'm in a state of confusion
I hope things aren't what they seem
If this is really happening
Just let me go back to dream
You're home

Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

Tell me I was dreaming tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

Don't tell me you didn't say goodbye
--------------

Toni Braxton - Un-Break My Heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on
----------------------

Garth Brooks - The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
-----------------------

I have way too many damn cds full of sad songs. I can't actually find the Toni Braxton cd which is pissing me off. I really wanted to listen to that song. The sad song help though. I sit and cry and sing along. And then I sleep. And then I feel better.

Not a good day

I am tired and bloated and emotionally screwed.

I'm PMSing right now with a vengeance. When I was on medication, I didn't have any problems with PMS at all. Or maybe I was so dazed that I didn't realize I was. lol I'm just really feeling bloated and it's making me uncomfortable.

Emotionally, my fuse is very short. I can feel myself on the verge of either getting very pissed or just breaking down into tears. The damn raid isn't helping matters any.

A guy in our crew at work seems to have quit. He didn't come in to work at any rate. His buddy that just started a couple weeks ago went home after 5 hrs because of a headache. We aren't too hopeful that he will be back tomorrow. Hopefully we will get some new people hired to help out. There is another crew that works the weekend and they can't keep people on for it at all. It is looking like they are going to call off the weekend shift for them and make the crew during the week work more hours. I seriously hope they don't do that to use. I really like the weekend shift.

I'm off to bed now. I am just beat.

I need an intervention

I just got out of the shower and was looking for some sort of clip to hold my hair back. That is when I noticed that I have a serious problem.

I'm addicted to buying toothpaste.

I have 10 (count em 10) small tubes of toothpaste. All still in the boxes. I also have 3 large tubes of toothpaste. 2 of them are open and one I've been using. The other is still in it's box.

Why do I buy so much dang toothpaste????

Do I secretly fear that I have stinky breath?

I know my teeth aren't as white as they should be and most of the tubes that I have are whitening paste. But still..... We are talking 13 tubes of toothpaste.

This doesn't even count the 2 tubes of toothpaste for NIck. I keep one on hand so he doesn't run out. He tends to use too much toothpaste. His are always fruit and bubblegum flavors.

Mine are all different sorts of flavors. Citrus, Mint, Cinnamon, Vanilla. And a few others I can't think of at the moment. I will admit that 8 of the small tubes are in sampler type boxes with 4 to the box. 4 different flavors. I bought 2 boxes because they were on sale. I don't really like the regular mint flavor toothpaste. It makes me want to gag. Maybe it was a bad reaction to some creme de minth when I was younger.

Anyways, how young can a kid be when you switch em to adult toothpaste?? If he was using my toothpaste, I wouldn't feel so bad for having so much. And maybe it would get used up faster. lol

I've put all the toothpaste into my cabinet where I keep the one I'm using. Maybe this will remind me that I don't need any more dang toothpaste. hehe

Clarification

I need to clarify some things.

The married guy at work, let's call him TJ, is not some dirty old man or anything. TJ is about 25 and has been married for about 5 years. He has a 4 yr old and a 6 month old. He loves his wife to no end.

We just like to flirt with each other and talk about sex and lots of other mundane type stuff. We don't go into great detail about any of the naughty stuff. It's all just your basic flirting stuff.

I only mentioned it because it sort of shocked me when he admitted to having a crush on me. And he seriously looked embarrassed that I knew what he had signed to me. I think he was just goofing and didn't think I would know what he was saying.

And when I said I wasn't interested in him, I was talking about in actually doing anything. I totally enjoy talking and flirting with him. But I am in no way attracted to him. He is a skinny guy and I like my guys chubby. Well not to mention the whole married thing. That is all a big ole turn off. lol

But seriously, there is nothing to worry about. I'm just a natural flirt and I have to remember not to cross any lines because he is such a nice guy.

On the knitting front, I am getting closer to finishing clue 1 of the new mystery shawl. No need to bore you with pictures until it is done. I ordered some yarn the other day and it should be here next Tuesday. So I'll have some pics for ya then. I just put in an order for some dyes too. It is a small kit of autumn colored dyes. I have no clue when that will be here. Not that I don't have enough to keep me busy on the whole yarn front anyway.

Oh, did I tell ya that I got a drop spindle?? Haven't quite figured out how to use it yet. It came with instructions, but well I learn better from seeing something done. Which is why I couldn't figure out knitting until I got a cd-rom that showed how to do it. I'll have to take it over to Mom's and see if I can find some videos on YouTube. Cable is a must for watching videos. hehe

Ok, time to go make some lunch. Then more knitting on MS4.