Good news? Bad news? I dunno

I've been to the doctor both yesterday and today. It's a bit mind numbing.

My PCP was good. He actually listened to me. Other than to say it had been a long time, he didn't yell at me. I'm getting lab work done next week. I go back in a month right after seeing a neurologist for some tests. He gave me a med to try. I'm hoping it helps with the headaches. I'm not expecting miracles or anything. I did wake up with a massive headache this morning so I'm hoping it isn't going to cause the opposite reaction in me like some meds. He is also having me tested for carpal tunnel later this year. In the meantime I'm to wear braces on both wrists when I'm in bed.

I went back to have my left hand checked today. I did not get good news. I'm to be on light duty for another two weeks and do physical therapy. HR is dragging their feet on determining where the physical therapy will happen. I gave her the news at 10am and I still have no clue what is going on. I'm to keep wearing the brace they gave me for the next two weeks too. That thing is hot on my hand and is stinky now because of it. I'll keep it on as much as I can though. When the doc manipulated my thumb today I wanted to curl up in a little ball because it hurt so bad. I had honestly thought I was going to be released back to regular duty today.

And once again, even though I mostly sat at the computer all day at work, I'm in enough pain to nearly cry. My legs and arms hurt really bad. I need to take a shower and take some pain meds but holy crap I don't have the energy to get up and move. My head is really starting to hurt again.

Oh and I tried a caramel frappuccino today. Still don't like coffee one bit. I suppose if it were really, really, really cold I could stomach it. But not for $2.50 a bottle. I can get a bottle of DOC360 for $1 (which I actually like) or a bottle of MT Dew for $1.25 (which I hate but can drink if really cold if I do it fast). I'm just trying to find something with a bunch of caffeine that isn't too horribly sugary that I can drink in the morning. I'm wondering if it might help the headaches and help me wake up. I can't do sugary in the morning or I get icky feeling and I get heartburn.

I totally missed getting Nick registered for school thanks to all the crap that has been going on lately. With having to fill in for my boss, my hand hurting and the headaches I just totally read the paperwork wrong. They are ok with us coming in next Friday to get his schedule and locker assignment. They move the kids every year to keep the same grades in the same hallway of lockers. I think I preferred my high school where you kept the same locker the entire time you went there. All the lockers were in one great big area under the classrooms. I never felt intimidated by the older students with lockers near me.

I'm planning on trying to sleep in tomorrow but we need to do the shopping tomorrow. We have a tax free weekend every year right before school starts. It's for kids clothes, shoes and school supplies. I know it's not saving a huge amount of money but every little bit helps. Breaking up my weekend is just going to mess with me. I really do not want to do a schedule change like I had to do this week again.

Oh well, I'm going to try and take my shower now and hit the sack early. If I'm asleep I can't feel how much my legs hurt.

I have lost perspective

I honestly don't know what a normal amount of pain is.

Is there a normal amount?

Do most people feel pain every single day?

Am I just a damn whiner?

I just don't know any more.

I don't take pain meds at home because I know I'm hurting my organs with how many I take at work. But if I don't take the pills at work I can barely move around. At home I walk like an 80 yr old.

Right now, after only doing paperwork all day, my feet, knees, hands, arms and neck/upper back are all aching. It's a constant dull crushing pain. The only sharp pain in from my left wrist if I move it too much. I need to put my brace back on after I'm done typing. Ok, as I finished typing that I realized my arches really hurt too. There are some sharp pulses up my ankles and into my shins.

Am I just being a baby about this? Is the average 40 some odd yr old in this much pain every day?

I'm just afraid my doctor is going to tell me to shut up and put up with it cause everyone hurts.

I just honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I've been used to some amount of pain for many years now. I just put it all down to the fact that I fucked my body up when I flipped my car and I just need to deal with it.

But the last couple months have just been piling up on me.

I can barely clean the house because I'm in too much pain to move around much. I only leave the house for work and grocery shopping. We haven't even gone to the movies in nearly a year. The idea of going on vacation somewhere just exhausts me to think about. I've passed up on three or four opportunities to see bands that I love because the effort would be too much.

I just spend every night sitting in front of my computer because I don't have the energy left to actually have a life outside of work. Working takes up all the energy I have. I have been trying to get more sleep in hopes that I'll have more energy after work to do the things I need to do. I'm just as tired. If not more.

Ugghhh this is not helping.

gah whine

I hate feeling like this. My hands, elbows, knees and ankles are just killing me. It's a constant ache. Kind of like someone has my joints in a vice.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that the doctor will listen to me on Thursday. Part of me wants a damn name for what is wrong. Some sort of acknowledgement of my pain.

Part of me is afraid that the doctor will say, "well you have xyz. The only treatment is OTC pain meds." I've exhausted the OTC stuff. It's just not working. To even take the edge off I'm taking almost enough to overdose.

I'm afraid he will say that the insurance will insist I do a course of OTC before getting anything stronger. This will mean weeks more of pain and more copays.

I know there isn't going to be a magic bullet that will take away all the pain. I'm used to some amount of pain. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be able to move around without cringing or wanting to puke because it hurts too bad.

I'm not going to off myself or anything. I can't do that to my son. I will not leave him to deal with my parents alone.

I just want to feel like me again.

Frustrated

So on Tuesday I hurt my left wrist. I wasn't even doing anything really. I was using my left arm to keep my balance while I leaned over and owwie! Didn't think it was any big deal and I had a meeting to get to.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the damn thing still hurts like a bitch. I kept asking my boss if the company would pay if I waited until after work to go have it looked at or if I had to go during shift. He totally blew me off. He didn't bother to email HR like I had asked. After a couple hours he hands the paperwork to me and tells me to go to HR myself.

HR lady scolded me for not having it looked at on Tuesday. If I went to the clinic every single time I felt a twinge, I would be there nearly every day. It's not unusual for something to hurt. The last time I let a sore wrist go to long I ended up in a wrist brace for 2 years. The only reason it healed up was I ended up in the office for 7 months.

So now I've got a brace that keeps me from moving my thumb and thus keeps me from being able to grab anything. Squeezing my hand is mostly what causes problems. Bossman is not impressed and is in fact kind of pissed off. I kept getting the stink eye from him Wednesday and Thursday. It's not my fault the doctor put down that I can't use my whole left arm.

So on top of the increasingly nasty headaches lately, my damn hand hurts. Today is a super bed head day. It hurts like a bitch and is making me want to yak. It's depressing the hell out of me too. I just want one damn day where I'm not hurting. It doesn't even need to be an "active" day. I would gladly sit on my ass all day and read or knit (please, please) if it meant I wasn't in pain. I fucking miss knitting. My hands and wrists ache too much to risk it though. The pain afterward just isn't worth it.

I really fucking hope the doctor listens to me on Thursday. And that he believes me when I tell him how much pain I'm in. Hopefully he won't just blame it on my weight. I gained more weight because it hurts too much to be active damn it. Not the other way around. Kind of like when they insisted the reason I was tired all the time was because I was depressed. Just ignore the fact that the fatigue came months before the depression. You try being up and happy when you are so fucking tired you could cry all the time.

And now I must lay down for a bit or I'm going to puke. The Advil Migraine didn't do a damn thing to help.

I had hope

I had hope that today would be easier. It's not supposed to be as hot or as humid today. I thought maybe my joints wouldn't hurt as much. I was wrong.

My hands, ankles and knees are the worst. Ok, my shoulders are pretty painful too. I need to go do the shopping though.

I did have to go to the store Thursday night and that was a blast. I didn't do all the shopping because it was pouring down rain and I didn't want to load and unload a whole bunch of shopping. I only went because I was out of tampons when I was convinced I had enough to wait until Friday morning to shop.

Thursday night sucked. Just as I was getting ready for bed I realized the tampon situation. No way was I going to pay probably $6 for 6 tampons at the gas station, so I went into town. And, or course, it started storming when I was 5 mins from the store. I got there and parked and just sat for ten minutes. It felt like I was in a car wash with the car being battered back and forth. I finally was able to move the car closer to the store and ran in. By the time I was done the rain had died down. Right as I got home it started storming again. And the damn kid finally listened to me for once even thought I was joking and he was asleep when I got home. I had to juggle 6 bags of groceries and unlock the door in the rain.

I stayed in the house Friday and Saturday to avoid the heat and humidity. I swear if I ever win the lottery my summers are being spent in Alaska or Washington. I just can't breathe when it's this hot.

So, today I need a haircut. I'm hoping it will help with dealing with the heat. My hair is just so damn heavy. And since I'll be farther in town than normal I'm going to hit up a different grocery store to see what's available. They have good deals on pre-made stuff there. Then I'm going to hit the regular grocery for my staples. Hopefully I won't be needing the damn electric cart by then. I have not used one since I sprained my ankle last. Or was it when I tore the tendon my left foot? There are days when I'm very tempted to use one just because I'm in enough pain.

I'm about 90% convinced to call the doctor's office on Monday. I'm really just so tired of trying to deal with the pain using OTC stuff. It just isn't cutting it. I don't like taking that stuff every damn day, all day long. I can never keep ahead of the pain anyway. I'm hoping the doc won't be an ass about my weight gain. It's sort of hard to get any exercise when it hurts to just walk across the damn house to go pee. Hard to eat better when it's painful to do dishes or cook. Easier to just buy prepackaged stuff.

sigh

There are days when I wish I were the sort to do illegal drugs.

Sometimes the pain just really gets to me. At the moment my hands and feet really just ache so bad. I wish there was a pain pill strong enough to make it go away. I have such a high resistance to pain meds that most don't do shit for me.

And then there are days when the emotional shitstorm that is my life gets to be too much. Sure I could drink but that just makes me more depressed and blue. I don't get hangovers but I'm just not a happy drunk. It doesn't help me sleep or help me forget. I just get quiet and depressed and most of the time I end up crying. I don't drink nearly as often as I should.

I usually hoard my prescription pain meds. I never need all the pills that they give me for an injury. I save them for days when my back or hands get too painful. Alas, I'm totally out.

I am at the point where all I have left is over the counter crap. I quite literally take doses that are high enough to make doctors I know blanch. I generally try to only take OTC pain meds when I'm at work. If they can help me get through my shift, I'll take them. But I take way too many of them. And they barely even touch the pain. I bought some Advil Migraine to help with the headaches at work. You are only supposed to take 400mg of the acetaminophen per 24 hours. That made me laugh. That does did last me for a couple hours and did actually help the pain. I ended up taking another dose later though. And if I'm taking it in regular pill form I normally take 3 times that.

At home I will take old prescription pain meds. Or I might take one shot of something containing booze. I don't take the OTC stuff because I know the doses I take aren't good for you. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are in pain and nothing works?

I don't want to be seen as a drug seeker when I go see a doctor. I have to admit that I was a bit miffed that the ER doc didn't give me anything for at home when I went the other day. All they really gave me was benadryl and and anti nausea med via IV. Explains why I still had a pretty good headache when I left the ER. I was still at at least a 6 but if they weren't going to do anything else to help I would rather be in my own bed than laying on a gurney bored out of my mind.

sigh

I think I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say. My brain wanders when I'm in this much pain. Hands and feet are killing me and I'm getting a worse headache than normal. Once the sun goes down, my fat ass is hitting the sheets.

Defeated

So much of the time that is how I feel.

I can be happy for short stretches. And I try to spread that happy. Only, it never really feels like anyone notices.

So often I try and make people laugh or smile and I get nothing back at all. Very often I don't get any acknowledgement that I even spoke.

I'm not talking about this blog. I know no one is ever going to comment on here even though there are people that read it.

I'm on tons of other platforms though. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Ravelry. I might as well be pissing in the wind 95% of the time.

The most reaction I get is when I comment on political posts on FB. I've been known to go back and forth for hours with someone on there. No, I'm not going to change their minds, but it's sure fun making them look like jackasses for a bit.

I dunno what the hell I really expect. No, I know what I expect. I expect nothing. I hope for some sort of sign that someone is listening. A click here or there would be nice.

Mostly I get what I expected though.

One hell of a week

So, my health decided to take a shit this week.

Monday i went to work as usual. Only to have my stomach go all butterfly on me. My stomach just would not settle. I couldn't tell if I was going to puke or shit myself. After about two hours I couldn't take it anymore and went home after putting in for Tuesday off.

I spent most of Monday fighting the urge to puke. Everything I ate just wanted to come up. I didn't thankfully. Last Saturday was when the puking was going on. That prompted the whole rant about hamburger the other day. Tuesday wasn't too bad. I was just a bit tired.

Woke up Wednesday feeling fine. For the first 45 mins at work, I was fine. I drove the forklift around and started getting my machine ready to actually run something for once. Only when I got back to my machine after putting the forklift back, I could see the beginning smug of an ocular migraine starting. I took some acetaminophen right away to try and cut it off. No such luck. Within a half hour I couldn't really see.

This was just the beginning of the problem. I kept trying to push through the blur and get my order running. Only my head started to pound really bad. So I took some ibuprofen. Yes, I know I took them too close together but my damn head hurt. I was feeling kind of light headed and wondered if maybe I was hungry so I went off to grab a sandwich.

By the time I got to the break room, I was feeling dizzy. I put that down to being hungry maybe and grabbed a sandwich. I couldn't taste a damn thing. And because it was too hot my right hand was spasming. I've got nerve damage that makes my hand sensitive to heat. Instead of just jerking away from heat like normal people, my hand jerks and spasms as it pulls back. It was really overreacting to the hot sandwich. Plus, I noticed that when I tried to talk to a coworker in the breakroom that I was having trouble concentrating. Everything was sort of sounding hollow.

On the way back to my machine, another coworker called me over to ask a question. That's when things really started to get weird. I was really starting to get dizzy and I was really having trouble finding the words I wanted to use. My coworker really started to get freaked out. She kept asking me to go to the doctor. I kind of brushed her off and said I would think about it. I was still trying to blame it on being lightheaded from the headache.

When I got back to my machine, I just couldn't ignore just how wonky I was feeling. I kept losing my balance and my head was just pounding. So, I grabbed my paperwork and went over to the computer. I put in to have Thursday off in the system. I still kept trying to convince myself that I was ok and was being a baby and I should go back to work.

It took me a few minutes to finally call up my mom. I just really did not feel safe driving. Well, when I got mom on the phone I confused the hell out of her. I wasn't making any sense at all. I knew what I was trying to say to her but I couldn't get the right words to come out. Yeah, she freaked a bit. She figured out what I meant and said that my dad would bring her over and we would take my car to the doctor.

By the time I hung up with my mom, my one coworker came over to check on me. I was crying by this time and saying I just didn't know what was going on. I told her my mom was coming to get me and she ran off to get my boss. Who knows what the hell he was thinking when he came over to find me crying and incoherent. It's not the first time I've broken down crying in front of him because of my health but it's been a few years. He said it was ok and he would take care of my paperwork. I had been trying to fill it out but I think I messed it up pretty good.

By the time I got my stuff together and made it outside with another coworker to walk with me, my folks had shown up. They drove me over to my car (it's a pretty decent walk to the parking lot) and I had to try and tell my mom how to make my car work. It's keyless entry and you don't actually need to use the key in the ignition. Plus the seats move on their own and stuff.

She wanted to take me to the ER, but I convinced her to take me to the acute care clinic. I didn't want to have to pay for an ER visit if they could just give me something at the clinic for a $25 copay. kwim? Signing in ws not a lot of fun because I was still confused and having trouble talking. When I finally got into a room and tried telling the nurse what was going on, it wasn't much better. I still couldn't find my words and had to keep trying to substitute so I could get the ideas across. Once the PA came in, I knew where things were heading. She talked to me for less than two minutes and shook my hand and sent me off to the ER. Yeah me!!

Still wasn't making much sense when I got to the ER. My speech wasn't really slurred but it was halting and disjointed. They decided to give me some drugs and send me for an MRI. Well, the nurse had trouble putting in the IV. The veins in my hands are a bit scarred up from various hospital visits over the years. So they skipped the drugs and sent me off to the MRI machine.

To give an idea of how out of it I was, I wasn't even freaking out about the MRI at this point. It wasn't until they had me on the machine bed and were strapping my head down that I realized they were going to stick me in an MRI machine. I'm fairly claustrophobic. Having a towel over my eyes and having my head in traction was enough to start making me nervous. When they first put me in the machine I thought I would be fine. I thought it was one of the bigger ones. Finally they pushed me in the rest of the way and the machine started to push on my arms and I really started freaking. I wanted to start yelling, "Can this be over now? Please take me out of here!" I knew it was only going to take about 5 minutes but that was about 5 minutes too long. I managed to stay still somehow and they sent me back to the ER.

The nurse finally got the IV line going and pumped me up with some benadryl and some pain killers. The worst was being left alone in the room with the lights off and no noise. Makes me crazy. After about a half hour the nurse came back and said the MRI was clear and that I was free to go home when I was ready. I was down to about a 5 after being up at an 8 at the worst, so I elected to go home right away.

They said it was just a bad migraine. Pretty much what I had been saying. I ended up sleeping most of the rest of the day. Nick was super great asking how I was and getting me stuff. Yesterday was pretty much more sleeping and resting.

I'm still a bit weirded out by the whole thing. I have to go grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm making Nick go with me. I'm not really worried that anything will happen, but I'll feel better if he is there with me. He needs a haircut anyway. Dude is getting shaggy as hell again.

Part of me is thinking about getting back in touch with the neurology department. I'm sure they have pain meds that would help me more than OTC stuff can. I just don't want to end up on 15 pills a day again. I haven't decided what to do yet.

Mental Health?

 Not really what i mean but it's as close as I can get without going all google search mad. I do that and I won't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I'm realizing more and more that I am even more non neurotypical. I've known for years that my brain doesn't really work like other people's do. And yes, I've been tested.

I've suffered nasty headaches for as long as I can remember. They are nearly constant. I don't really know what it's like to not have a headache. Over the years different doctors have had me on different medications. One did actually do tests. He flat out said my braid was unusual. I have way more electrical activity going on that is supposed to be. He put me on epilepsy meds that did help for awhile.

There have been points in my life where I was on a shit load of medications. Pain meds. Meds to block the extra shit going on in my head. Antidepressants. Meds for spastic muscles. At one point I was on like 10 different medications at once. I don't take anything anymore. I went off them when I lost my insurance and I've been afraid to go back on them.

I had one doctor that was convinced that all my physical ailments were in my head. He sent me to a psychologist that only wanted to explore my memory problems. She didn't care that they were actually from a physical injury. She didn't want to talk about any of the psychological trauma I have experienced. No amount of telling her that the memory trouble started after a traumatic brain injury would shut her up. Her partner is the one that decided to put me on anti depression meds. Pills alone weren't going to solve shit.

Anyway, back to the point of what I was trying to write. I've talked often about my son being mildly autistic and having ADHD. At least one of my brothers has ADHD as well. Frankly I think that if doctors actually diagnosed girls with ADHD when I was a kid I would have been diagnosed too. With me there is no middle ground. I'm either completely focused on one thing to the point that I have no clue what is going on around me or my brain is flittering between a billion things.

I have always said that I need the tv on all the time to cover the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus is so much fun! Don't smack your head on shit people. It messed shit up inside. In reality, I need the background noise to give me something to kind of keep my brain from wandering. If the back of my brain is paying attention to the tv while I'm doing something else I tend to wander off topic less.

I'm fascinated by people that can have one single browser window open. They can concentrate on one subject at a time and then move on. I currently have 6 windows open with a total of 9 tabs. Part of it is habit from when I was on dial-up. I would keep a solitaire game open or a story to read so that I had something to do while other windows were loading. One page would be loading while I read something else and then when I noticed that one was done I would switch. I've got cable now and while it's not the fastest connection I really don't need that many windows open for loading purposes.

I'm sure I've mentioned my son's eating issues on here. I've been noticing my own lately. I've always said that he finds most normal food to be almost horrifying. That he just can't understand why the hell people would eat some of the things that we do. I never realized that I feel the same way about a lot of fairly normal foods. I was just looking at the weekly meal plan put out by a food blogger. All of it was fairly normal and popular food. And I just kept going, "eww, ewww, ewwwww!" Until I got to the end with the deserts there wasn't a damn thing on her menu that I would eat.

There are certain forms of vegetables that I just can't bring myself to eat. I have serious texture issues. I see tons and tons of recipes for lemon chicken or lemon pasta and I want to hurl. Give me a desert that is lemon flavored and I'm fine. I'm the same with most garlic dishes. Garlic bread or pasta dishes with garlic in them are fine. But garlic chicken makes me shudder.

I'm not saying that I think I'm autistic. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere. It would help explain my social anxiety issues. Or the fact that I find it very hard to maintain any sort of relationship. I do not have friends in the traditional sense. I have no one to hang out with on a Saturday afternoon. I've never maintained a romantic relationship for over a year. I just really don't get other people very well. Authority figures scare the hell out of me. I had a conversation with a cop last night and I was shaking the whole time. She was just telling me to update my tags on my car. She was super nice but I couldn't stop shaking.

I know there isn't really a normal. The media loves to talk about normal. I know it's not real. But sometimes I just feel so very far from anything close to normal.

Broken

That's how I'm feeling.

So much in the world is fucked up. I get so angry and sad and I feel so helpless.

I'm a middle aged white chick from fairly rural Iowa. The only discrimination I have to put up with is the fat shaming. It sucks but I don't fear for my life because of it.

Part of me does fear for my son. I know he passes for totally white. Much more so than his cousin or the children of some of my friends. My son does tan super easy. Part of the reason I'm ok with him being such a couch potato is because it keeps him looking pale. As long as he doesn't look "Mexican", he is safer.

I hate having to explain to him baldly that if he is ever confronted by the cops he is to only say "yes sir", "no sir" and "I would like to speak to a lawyer." And he is to be very still and keep his hands in view at all times. Don't even think about trying to run.

Not long ago a 17 yr old white boy was killed not far from here. He was on a joy ride with his dad's company truck. The dad called the cops on him. To teach him a lesson. He told the cops it was his son. They still shot him. Over a stupid truck. He didn't run. He just didn't get out of the truck fast enough. No record. No weapons. But he is still dead. And I can't even imagine the pain his father feels knowing he is the one that sent the cops after him.

I can't even imagine the fear that some of my friends and my sister feel. Their boys are quite obviously of mixed race. I wonder if they feel terror every time they can't get a hold of their boys. If they don't answer their phones right away. My nephew is still very young but I fear for him. I fear we won't be able to change things enough before he is an adult.

I just don't understand all the hate. I don't get grouping all people for something they have no control over. Skin color does not make anyone evil or less of a human being.

Ok, the brain is shutting down. I haven't been eating enough. I need to go get dinner.

Guilty

I experience great guilt when I want to complain about pain. Well in certain places on the interwebs anyway.

I know people that suffer with chronic pain disorders. They are in constant pain and push through most of the time. They don't complain about it much.

I've not been diagnosed with anything. They looked into fibro and arthritis at one point years ago. Doc said I didn't have either.

But I am in pain. Almost every day. Almost all the time.

I only take pain pills while I'm at work. People tend to look at me funny when they see me limp or walk stiffly. I've had a few people make comments in the last month.

My right hip is almost always stiff anymore. When I stand up and try to walk, my right leg drags for a bit until I can loosen the joint up.

Both of my knees have been acting up more and more. The other day I sat with my right foot behind my knee for about half and hour. I couldn't move my leg afterward. The sharp pain in my knee was so bad that I could barely stand to pick my leg up with my hands and move my foot forward. I've had to have my son pick up my leg and move my foot for me a few times because of my knee. And by sit with my foot behind my knee, I just mean my foot on the ground was behind my knee above it. I don't sit with my feet tucked up or my legs crossed. I know that won't end well.

My ankles have been cracking like crazy lately. I try not to twist them much but I do it unconsciously and then my ankles ache if they crack. Don't get me started on the bottom of my left foot. I'm starting to wish that the doctors had looked into fixing the tendon I tore. I almost always feel like I'm walking with something stuck to my foot.

And the worst is my hands. My fingers and wrists just ache so bad sometimes. Icy Hot and the like don't do anything but annoy my nose. I like the smell of Tiger Balm better but I don't think it does much. I haven't been knitting at all because my hands just hurt too much.

The headaches I can deal with. I've had most of a lifetime to get used to them. I thankfully only get really bad ones occasionally. I'm sure my definition of really bad is a bit skewed though. As long as I can see and I'm not throwing up or wanting to, it's not a bad one. Yesterday's headache was a bad one.

Maybe I should go back to the doctor. I'm just tired of them telling me there isn't really anything wrong and it's all in my head. Getting the IBS diagnosis was hard. And it's not like they actually gave me anything to help with it. But at least now I have a viable excuse for not eating foods I know will upset me.

And none of this really has a point. I just wish I had people that I could complain to that would commiserate with me. I feel guilty about complaining to most of the people I know. They have it so much worse. Sometimes I just can't imagine going on if I were in more pain that I already am in. I'm not as strong as they are.

Feeling it

I'm feeling super alone lately. I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I haven't in a while and frankly I don't see it happening ever again.

I'm tired of feeling like people are only putting up with me. The only person that really talks to me at work, other than to ask for help, does so only because she is a total gossip. She feeds off having people listen to her crap.

I don't feel like trying is even worth it anymore. Nothing works. Trying just makes it hurt worse.

pain

I'm having a very bad pain day.

It actually started yesterday while I was at the park. I sat wrong at the picnic table. My foot was behind my knee instead of under it. By the time I went to move my leg forward, I couldn't. I had to pick my leg up using my hands and then manually move my foot forward. It hurt like a sum'bitch.

I've done this before with my knee. It's not something I think about consciously but I think I need to start. The last time I did it, I had to have the kid move my leg for me. He does it faster because he can't feel how much it hurts.

I didn't sleep for shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours and in the bathroom. I hate the first 2 days of my period. I'm subconsciously terrified that I'll make a mess of my bed, so I don't sleep. I ended up staying up for a bit at 5am. I was too damn tired and ended up laying down again. Lots of really weird dreams about my parents. It always happens after I see a family member.

So, I didn't get out of bed until noon. Kind of ruins the day. All of my joints are screaming at me. And I'm trying to find the energy to go get groceries. I should have bought them yesterday but I was just ready to be home. Between the park and visiting one grocery store, I was done. I didn't buy all the groceries there because they are expensive compared to where I normally shop. They were running a good sale on a couple things I needed though.

My arms and hands are just aching like crazy today. Every little movement of my hands hurts. So why am I typing then? Because it doesn't matter if I'm typing or just flexing my hands. It all hurts the same and it only gets worse if I try not to move them.

Time to put the clothes in the dryer. Can't go shopping until the bras are dry.

I am not funny.

I used to think I was. I enjoy making people laugh.

There are only two or three people that seem to get my sense of humor. I don't think people realise when I'm trying to be funny any more.

I tell what I think is an amusing story and all I hear are crickets. Doesn't much matter if I'm telling it online or face to face really.

Should I just start out by saying, "So, funny story ......"? Do i really need to clobber people over the head before they realize I'm joking?

I don't really like this at all. I'm not much good at anything else. And now I'm not even funny anymore.

Today I am sad

The whole situation in Orlando has had me crying all day. Crying because of the hate I've seen. And crying because of the love I've also seen.

This was a hate crime. Pure and simple.

I don't care what religion the murderer was raised in. I don't care about the supposed 911 call or that ISIS is supposedly claiming responsibility. I think that whole bit is just a ruse. I really doubt that call exists. ISIS wants Americans to hate Muslims so they can recruit more members. They will take credit for anything that will cause more hate.

This is about a small minded bigot that got ahold of an assault weapon legally and used it to kill people at a gay bar because he hated gay people. Some are claiming that the CIA has had this guy under watch for years. And yet he got a gun designed to kill people. That is it's only use. To kill people. No one uses this kind of gun to hunt anything other than people. Congress voted to continue to allow people on no fly lists to keep buying guns because of the 2nd amendment and certain people being unable to admit that some people just don't need to own a gun.

People are going to use his religion as an excuse for why he did this. The truth is most major religions can be twisted to condone this sort of action. How many so called Christian leaders have called for the death of LGBT persons? I've seen all sorts of religions used for hate.But we can't blame the whole religion for it. Not every Muslim is a radical. Not every Christian is part of the problem.

I long for the day when I don't have to fear that the wrong person might realize I'm not really the straight person they assume I am. I've never identified as straight. I used to say I was bi. And then i went out in the world and realized there was more than just two genders. There are many many kinds of people. Now I identify as Pan. Simply put, I'm attracted to whomever might strike my fancy and then everything else is negotiable. It doesn't much matter if a person's genitalia matches the gender that they present. Doesn't really matter if either of those match the DNA they were born with.

Most people assume I'm straight because I'm shy and have never made a big deal about it when I've dated women. Mostly because I know my parents are very homophobic. Oh my mom can talk a good game like she is tolerant. But the one time a conversation got back to her that I had been with a woman and holy shit did she got into the whole "how could you do this to me?!?!" As if who I sleep with has anything to do with her.

But now I'm no contact with my dad and I only talk to my mom if I run into her in a store. I don't have to worry about the looks or the lectures. I am who I am and I don't give a shit.

wheeee more whining

I feel so damn fucked up right now. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I saw my mom on Thursday. I just can't deal with her. She always mentions how my brother just runs from her when he sees her. I'm so close to doing the same. She reassured my that my dad doesn't hate me for what happened. Funny, but I hate him for it all. I hate that I don't get to see my nieces hardly ever. I hate that he has made my mom into the bad guy. There have been no nightmares this time but I've just felt super low on energy. I just feel super alone.

Physically I'm a mess. I've got massive headaches going on. My hands are all fucked up. My joints hurt like a bitch. I'm sure it has something to do with the forced dehydration I dealt with at work on Wed and Thurs. We didn't have working bathrooms in our building because of renovations. So going to the bathroom meant a 20 minute trip. Wednesday afternoon I felt super horrible.

I'm just feeling super low and blue and alone. I have no clue what the hell to do about it. I don't really drink much of anything anymore. So I can't really get drunk to try and forget. Well I guess I could but I won't. I would probably just break down sobbing and feel even worse. My head hurts enough already tyvm.

And the headaches wouldn't be so damn bed if the kid would stop playing his horrible video game music so loud. 99.9999% of the time, I hate the music played in the background of games. I turn it off when I can and I've given up games where I can't. He has some sort of love affair with it though. He fight dances to it with it turned up. Makes me want to slam doors and scream at him to turn it off.

Ugghhhh I just need to go take a shower and sleep for 12 hours again. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get lately. It's never enough. The more I sleep the more tired I am.

yawn

I'm sorry. I've just been so tired. Last week I had to play boss while my bonehead boss did field work. Had to play boss for the second half of today too cause he had to fix his tractor. The hitch needed to be welded. Damn we sound redneck. lol

Finally got my fridge working again. This makes me so happy. I still need to deep clean it before I can fill the fridge part back up. The freezer is all spic n span already. Living out of coolers isn't that big of a pain but I'm happy to not have to buy ice every 3 days.

Biggest issue with life right now is the renovations at work. We have 3 days of having to walk to another building to use the bathroom. It sucks. And tomorrow our break room will be torn apart too. It was only a couple weeks ago that they painted everything. Now it's new tile on the floor. I'm tired of it already.

Nick is done with school this year. He pulled off pretty good grades. I want him to try and get a part time job but he is afraid. So he has been doing odd jobs around the house. He knows if he doesn't do something his internets will go bye bye. I still wish he would get a job outside the house. He will be 17 in eleven days. I had my first job at 15.

Anyways. I'm gonna go take a shower and eat some dinner. Maybe I'll have something interesting to post about one of these days.

oooops

Ok, I admit it, I forgot about the blog for a hot minute.

Work and allergies have been ruining my brain. The next week doesn't look like it's going to be much easier. My boss will be gone all week which means I get to play boss. sigh I don't like playing boss. Plus, I have a huge project I'm trying to work on. It's a total mess because I was going off what someone else had done first. Only he had stuff marked down as never being ran when we actually have the part in stock. I have to send someone out to the stacks to search for the product.It may have been shipped out when the system was acting funny.

On the home front, I had a birthday the other day. I worked like usual and my coworkers threw a fit that I didn't tell them ahead of time so they could bring in a cake. I didn't really want a cake. My brother was the one that had to open his mouth and tell everyone. And, or course, my mom had to make the day all about herself. I can't hear my cell when I'm at work and I can't really feel it vibrate, so I missed her call. And then I came home to a message on FB even though she had left me one two days before. About an hour later I got another message of "whoa is me, you hate me! why won't you answer?" I had only responded to a couple messages at that point. I was freakin tired and I didn't want to deal with her. But it's what she wants that is important. The boy did remember but only because we argued the day before about his friend's birthday.

My fridge is once again needing defrosting. The amount of ice I pulled out of the back of the freezer was insane. Now to get the insides defrosted so that cold air can get into the fridge part. Cross your fingers it defrosts by tomorrow night so that I can buy groceries. I really don't want to have to buy food every day for work. I didn't lose too much food this time. Mostly just some french fries and hash browns.

I haven't been really looking for a house lately. The only ones in my price range don't have pictures. I mean, who lists a house with only one picture? I really should go look at a couple of them though. I'm tired of paying rent. And I'm not getting a real deal here anymore. It's cheaper than a comparable duplex in the town I want to move to, but I'm paying the top rent here now. We need more room and I'm tired of having the landlord hanging over my head. Yeah, I would be the one replacing my fridge if the defrost doesn't work, but I'm not afraid to buy a cheap piece of shit to tide me over for a couple weeks or months.

I keep dreaming about my dream house in Washington. I want out of Iowa so badly. Nick is the only thing keeping me here. He loves his school and I'm not about to make him change high schools like my parents did to me.

Ehh anyways. Nothing dramatic going on here. Just your usual annoying shit.

People confuse me

I don't understand why so many people trust me. The people I work with put way too much trust in me. Sometimes it's kind of scary. Were I to be the type to take advantage of things, I could really screw some people over big time.

Both this supervisor and the last have trusted me with information that could technically have gotten them in trouble. It's a big no no to let anyone have your email password. Both gave me theirs. Both trusted me to write emails on their behalf using their accounts. And during the two weeks between supervisors, the next higher up trusted me to actually run the department earning me my own company email address. They don't give those out to just anyone because they have to pay a fee for each address.

With the current supervisor, I'm trusted not only with his email but I've got his other passwords for other programs we use. Hell, he has trusted me to approve time cards for my fellow employees and even my own time card. Granted, I'm not real sure how to fake them in order to screw the company out of money or screw my coworkers out of hours but still. I could still really screw some shit up in the other programs if I wanted to. And all of it would have his name attached and not my own.

Heck, the woman that creates all our jobs trusted me with her password to our main database. When we switched systems, I helped her with inventory and with running through jobs. The first time I actually deleted a job while no one was in the office I got a little scared. It would be super easy for someone to really screw up the system. And I have that power if I wanted to use it.

I know half the crews passwords for putting in for time off. Most of them are scared of computers and can barely type. Granted about the only thing I can really do with those passwords is to put them all in for random days off work. But then I could sign in as my supervisor and approve that time off without anyone being aware of it.

And today one of the ladies in the IT department shared a very important password for the printers with me. While I might not be able to cause physical damage to the printers, I now have the ability to really fuck up settings that only IT can fix.Hell, I know how to sign into a printer remotely and mess stuff up so I don't even have to do it while at work.

Not that I would ever deliberately mess up any of the systems at work. Even if they were to screw me over big time, I just don't have it in my to sabotage anything. The fear of being a bad person it way too strong. You can blame the principal at the school I went to in 2nd and 3rd grade for that.

I spent my whole childhood moving from school to school. Not anywhere near as bad as the poor Winchester boys, but I did manage to go to ten schools before I graduated from high school. This particular school was the only one where I got into any serious problems. I was always a very shy kid. I didn't really see the point of trying to make friends when I knew we were probably going to move soon anyway. So I just kept to myself.

Unfortunately this made me a target in the eyes of some of the teachers and the principal. The shit initially hit the fan because I woke up late one morning and didn't have time to eat before I had to leave for school. I only had to walk about 6 blocks. So my mom gave me a package of poptarts and sent me off to school. I still hadn't finished the second one when I got to school and I had the wrapper still. When one of the teachers saw that, she decided that I must be the kid that had been stealing the other kids lunches. It had to be me because I was bigger than my classmates and obviously I was strong arming them for their lunches. I wasn't fat or anything, I was just taller earlier than most of the kids.

So, I got in big trouble for the whole food stealing thing even though my mom told them she had given me the poptarts. They didn't care. A couple weeks later they found an old reel to reel tape in my locker. Obviously I had stolen it from the library. Who knows what else I had stolen from the school. It didn't matter that I told them that I found it on the playground. I just thought it made a cool streamer and I wanted to play with it at the next recess and put it in my locker so it wouldn't blow away. Nope, I was a thief and they were determined to kick me out for it. I guess they only wanted to allow for two strikes.

Turns out I didn't get kicked out. Right about this time one of my grandmothers died. My folks decided that my grandfather couldn't possibly live on his own and they decided that, once again, we would be moving. This time we would move in and take care of my poor old grandpa. We lived with him for four years before my parents realized that a man in his mid 50s was perfectly able to take care of himself. heh Both my parents are now in their 60s and would balk at the idea that they needed to be taken care of.

But anyway, this whole thing with the school has led me to have a lifelong fear that anyone might think I'm a thief. Even a hint of any wrong doing on my part scares the shit out of me. I never even had the usual youthful shoplifting incident.

Oh, I've done things that could have resulted in me being arrested for stupid shit. I was always pretty careful to not get caught. I should note that none of the things I may or may not have done would have resulted in an actual prison sentence. Stealing was never an option though.

I still don't get why people trust me as an adult but no one would trust me as a kid.  I never quite got the lure of breaking the rules. I just wanted to get along and stay under the radar. The less attention I got the better.

Egads!!

I am one tired chickie.

We have worked a month straight of 10hrs mandatory overtime each week. This time last year we were just about to finish up doing that for about a year and a half. I don't remember being this tired last time.

Part of it is that I haven't really recovered from that damn cold. My lungs are still very iffy. Stairs are really not my friend right now. I've begged off doing any extra training the last two weeks because I feel like I'm dying by the time I get to the training room in the other building. On Tuesday I'll be in that damn training room twice probably. Once for training and once for a meeting. It will not be a good day. Tuesday also starts three days where I will be in charge of my department because bossman will be away.

On an unrelated note, I'm kinda sad. About a month ago I found a house that I really liked. It was a little more than I could afford but I loved it. Two weeks later it disappeared from the one realty site. Queue the sadness. And then last week I realized it was still on another site. Queue the excitement of maybe having a second chance. With my tax return coming I would maybe have enough of a down payment. And now the house is off the other site. sigh It was still too much anyway but I liked it dang it.

So I'm sitting here sad and in the middle of an allergy attack. I'm starting to wonder if there is something in one of the shampoos I use or in the body wash that is giving me allergy attacks. Sometimes after I take a shower my eyes just itch like a bitch and I get all snotty. My body is fucked up enough to be allergic to freaking shampoo. For future reference it was the Almond and SheaButter Suave shampoo that I used tonight. I don't usually use the same one two nights in a row. So I'll have to remember the next time I use it.

And now on another completely different note, I've noticed that my favorite go to movies are really, really varied. When we first moved into this place I couldn't afford to get a dish so we only got like four channels. This meant we spent a lot of time watching VHS tapes. There was no option to have cable in this tiny shitass town at the time. We only got cable about four years ago. So I'm going to list out my go to movies.

The Back to the Future Trilogy: I have all three movies on one tape. I would watch that tape over and over again. Even now if I see one of them is on tv I'll watch.

Godzilla (1998): This was Nick's favorite movie as a toddler. He would get so excited when it was on. "Did you see that mom? Godzilla! RAWR!!" and he would stomp his feet.

The Blade Trilogy: Ok, so I really only like the first and last movies a lot. The second one wasn't real great. And we will just ignore that there are more without Snipes in the helm. Nick was almost named after Deacon Frost from the first movie. Had his dad not taken off, he probably would have been. And the third one is the best because of Ryan Reynolds. That man is a treasure.

The Scream Trilogy: I have a thing for trilogies even though some of them have more than three movies in them. lol I love scary movies and well scary movies that make me laugh are even better. Nick hates the Scream movies because he hates scary movies. We bond over sci-fi and action movies.

The Riddick movies: I don't count the animated movie. It's ok but I've only watched it like twice. I like Vin. No more needs to be said.

The Fast and the Furious: Just the first one. The rest of them are kind of boring to me really. shrug But again we have Vin being Vin.

Independence Day: I love this movie. It has my favorite things in it. Aliens, shit being blown up and Will Smith. I've lost count of the times I've watched it.

I, Robot:  This was one of my favorite books. They did a passable job turning it into a movie. And again we have Will Smith. I hate watching it on cable though. They always blur out Will's tush. Not cool.

The Men in Black Trilogy: Back to the trilogy thing. Again we have Will Smith and aliens. A winning combo. Plus, Tommy Lee Jones is freaking hilarious and he is one of my favorite actors.

The Fugitive: Again with Tommy Lee Jones. And we add in Harrison Ford for good measure. Good action movie with some humor added in in small doses. Good stuff.

U.S. Marshals: And again Tommy Lee Jones and Wesley Snipes. Even more humor in this one. Oh and we have the addition of Robert Downey Jr. Be still my heart.

The Silence of the Lambs: Anthony Hopkins is awesome. There is only one part of this movie that I fast forward through. The scene where Catherine is in the well and Buffalo Bill is taunting her and they are both screaming is too uncomfortable for me. Ted Levine is super awesome as Buffalo Bill. I've seen the sequels but none were as impressive as the first.

The Avengers: This movie was an awakening. It spurred a love of comic books movies that I didn't realize that I had. A great big part of that can be blamed on Tom Hiddleston. His Loki was so perfect. Everyone else was awesome too but I have a soft spot of Hiddles.

The Iron Man movies: After seeing The Avengers in the theater I went back and revisited Iron Man. I totally forgot how much I loved the first movie. I've now seen them all many, many times. I'm not a huge fan of the second one though. I don't really like Mickey Rourke much as an actor. RDJ is enough to make up for it though.

The Marvel Comic Book movies: Should I just say that I love all the new Marvel comic book movies? I really do. The first Captain America movie is a little harder to watch. I had to watch it like three times to figure out what the hell was going on. The second one was much easier to follow. I like Age of Ultron even though there are certain aspects that annoy the hell out of me. The whole Bruce/Natasha thing is bonkers and Clint having a wife is BS.

Harry Potter: Can't forget this series. Again I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them all. Hell I've lost count of the number of times I've read the books. I've lost count of the number of fanfictions I've read too.

I know I'm forgetting so many that I watch a lot. The Cornetto Trilogy is a big fav but I don't have them all on DVD but I will watch them if they are on. Not to mention Paul cause Nick Frost and Simon Pegg are awesome. The new Star Trek movies are super sweet but again I don't own them. The Lord of the Rings trilogy which I own on dvd and VHS. All of Stephen King's movies. Most of which I do own on at least VHS. I don't have a working VCR that is hooked up to anything anymore though.

I could probably keep going, but those are the ones that I'm most likely to watch over and over again. And now I'm super tired and I think I could actually sleep now.