Thursday, April 28, 2011

I think I'm loosing my mind

The following was going to be posted directly to Ravelry but I figured it would be best to post it to my blog instead.


*gah* I've got issues that I don't really talk about because they don't really show up very often. One of them is a sort of obsessive compulsive nature. I get obsessed with certain things very easily. It's one of the reasons that I never really tried drugs. Sometimes I get obsessed with an activity like reading or knitting and it's all I can think about. On a few occasions I've gotten obsessed with people. It's never really been anyone that was local or even aware of my obsession about them.

When I left my last boyfriend it got really bad. I'm talking about checking every single social media outlet that he used to see what he was up to. I NEEDED to know if he was still with the chick that he left me for. It didn't help that for months he kept calling me and feeding the obsession. It's been a while and I will still once in a while check to see what he is doing. I haven't had the urge to check up on him in a bit though so that isn't the problem.

I know I've mentioned my extremely vivid imagination and love of making up stories. I don't really write many of them down because my brain is too scattered to get a coherent story out of it. Anyway, I have an ongoing story working in my head lately. I can't sit at my computer without adding to the story and I'm finding myself obsessing over this story. I find myself looking for more information about the person the story is about and it's making me twitchy when I find out information that I didn't know. Stuff like the fact that he doesn't live where he used to. He made a major move sometime in the last few years and I find myself itching to find out more info on that. And no, I don't really know him. It's someone I ran into a very long time ago but never connected with. Part of me is obsessed about what if we had. And no I can't contact him directly and I don't want to. I have no real honest wish to know him now because I am sane enough to know he isn't the person I've made up in my head. But when I find out info on him that doesn't jibe with my idea of him it makes me twitchy.

The thing is that once I get obsessed with someone or something I have to find something else to obsess about. I have to fill my brain with something else and I just don't know what the hell to use this time. The secondary replacement obsession never lasts very long and I usually just going back to my normal every day flavor of crazy. This last one just kind of snuck up on me real quick in the last few days screaming "HEY THERE CRAZY LADY I'M GOING TO COME LIVE IN YOUR BRAIN NOW FOR A WHILE, K?"

I think the turning point in to making myself twitchy over this was when the story took a very weird twist in my brain that I just could not figure out a way to get beyond. For a couple days there I was upset and crying because the story took such a dark turn of hurt and angst and I didn't know how to get all the characters through and to the happy stuff that I wanted to happen later. I think I've gotten them past the "omg I hate you gdiaf" stage to an "ok I understand why you did that but it hurts too much to look at you" stage. But right now I just don't want to deal with the angst and stuff but my brain won't put the story away.

And I really can't even bring myself to reread what I've written here because I know it all sounds so frickin nuts. Yes, I have myself an obsession about a fantasy story I made up in my head about real people that have no clue who I am but I can't put down. There is a reason part of my nickname is psycho. :P

Oh and no I'm not looking for advice. Or really even sympathy. I know my brain is a bit messed up but I've kind of liked living the last 5 years or so without medication. The therapist and psychiatrist I saw just annoyed the fuck out of me. They couldn't separate my brain injury from my psychosis. My memory issues have nothing to do with my depression.


OK an explaination of why I haven't posted on here in months yet again. Frankly I've just been lazy about it. Nearly everyone that I used to follow via blog has stopped blogging. I no longer feel the desperate urge to tell everyone what I'm doing. Mostly because I haven't been doing a whole lot. I did end up in the hospital in December and since then I've been so damn tired it isn't funny. Yeah I was tired before but I'm back into one of those pits of tired that just won't go away. I NEED the weather to clear up so I can go outside even for a few minutes and see the sun. I can't take all this damn rain lately.

I have been knitting lately though. One of my brothers has a baby due in June. I've made her one BSJ and a blanket that are finished. I have two more sweaters that are in the works. I kind of stalled on the little ballerina wrap because I started the blanket and then my mom wanted a sweater for my cousin's baby. I made her another plain BSJ. I have another larger one that I started but quit when I saw just how big it was going to be. That one will be finished eventually. Currently I'm working on a Tomten. I'm to the point of weaving together the hood. I made the hook larger than what the book said to because when I put it on my baby doll the hood wasn't long enough to cover the doll's head. Now I need to find my dpns so that I can start the sleeves. I really don't even know where my larger (bigger than sock) dpns have gotten to. I really need to hire merry maids to come clean my house out. lol

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