Thursday, June 30, 2016

Feeling it

I'm feeling super alone lately. I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I haven't in a while and frankly I don't see it happening ever again.

I'm tired of feeling like people are only putting up with me. The only person that really talks to me at work, other than to ask for help, does so only because she is a total gossip. She feeds off having people listen to her crap.

I don't feel like trying is even worth it anymore. Nothing works. Trying just makes it hurt worse.

Sunday, June 26, 2016


I'm having a very bad pain day.

It actually started yesterday while I was at the park. I sat wrong at the picnic table. My foot was behind my knee instead of under it. By the time I went to move my leg forward, I couldn't. I had to pick my leg up using my hands and then manually move my foot forward. It hurt like a sum'bitch.

I've done this before with my knee. It's not something I think about consciously but I think I need to start. The last time I did it, I had to have the kid move my leg for me. He does it faster because he can't feel how much it hurts.

I didn't sleep for shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours and in the bathroom. I hate the first 2 days of my period. I'm subconsciously terrified that I'll make a mess of my bed, so I don't sleep. I ended up staying up for a bit at 5am. I was too damn tired and ended up laying down again. Lots of really weird dreams about my parents. It always happens after I see a family member.

So, I didn't get out of bed until noon. Kind of ruins the day. All of my joints are screaming at me. And I'm trying to find the energy to go get groceries. I should have bought them yesterday but I was just ready to be home. Between the park and visiting one grocery store, I was done. I didn't buy all the groceries there because they are expensive compared to where I normally shop. They were running a good sale on a couple things I needed though.

My arms and hands are just aching like crazy today. Every little movement of my hands hurts. So why am I typing then? Because it doesn't matter if I'm typing or just flexing my hands. It all hurts the same and it only gets worse if I try not to move them.

Time to put the clothes in the dryer. Can't go shopping until the bras are dry.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I am not funny.

I used to think I was. I enjoy making people laugh.

There are only two or three people that seem to get my sense of humor. I don't think people realise when I'm trying to be funny any more.

I tell what I think is an amusing story and all I hear are crickets. Doesn't much matter if I'm telling it online or face to face really.

Should I just start out by saying, "So, funny story ......"? Do i really need to clobber people over the head before they realize I'm joking?

I don't really like this at all. I'm not much good at anything else. And now I'm not even funny anymore.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Today I am sad

The whole situation in Orlando has had me crying all day. Crying because of the hate I've seen. And crying because of the love I've also seen.

This was a hate crime. Pure and simple.

I don't care what religion the murderer was raised in. I don't care about the supposed 911 call or that ISIS is supposedly claiming responsibility. I think that whole bit is just a ruse. I really doubt that call exists. ISIS wants Americans to hate Muslims so they can recruit more members. They will take credit for anything that will cause more hate.

This is about a small minded bigot that got ahold of an assault weapon legally and used it to kill people at a gay bar because he hated gay people. Some are claiming that the CIA has had this guy under watch for years. And yet he got a gun designed to kill people. That is it's only use. To kill people. No one uses this kind of gun to hunt anything other than people. Congress voted to continue to allow people on no fly lists to keep buying guns because of the 2nd amendment and certain people being unable to admit that some people just don't need to own a gun.

People are going to use his religion as an excuse for why he did this. The truth is most major religions can be twisted to condone this sort of action. How many so called Christian leaders have called for the death of LGBT persons? I've seen all sorts of religions used for hate.But we can't blame the whole religion for it. Not every Muslim is a radical. Not every Christian is part of the problem.

I long for the day when I don't have to fear that the wrong person might realize I'm not really the straight person they assume I am. I've never identified as straight. I used to say I was bi. And then i went out in the world and realized there was more than just two genders. There are many many kinds of people. Now I identify as Pan. Simply put, I'm attracted to whomever might strike my fancy and then everything else is negotiable. It doesn't much matter if a person's genitalia matches the gender that they present. Doesn't really matter if either of those match the DNA they were born with.

Most people assume I'm straight because I'm shy and have never made a big deal about it when I've dated women. Mostly because I know my parents are very homophobic. Oh my mom can talk a good game like she is tolerant. But the one time a conversation got back to her that I had been with a woman and holy shit did she got into the whole "how could you do this to me?!?!" As if who I sleep with has anything to do with her.

But now I'm no contact with my dad and I only talk to my mom if I run into her in a store. I don't have to worry about the looks or the lectures. I am who I am and I don't give a shit.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

wheeee more whining

I feel so damn fucked up right now. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I saw my mom on Thursday. I just can't deal with her. She always mentions how my brother just runs from her when he sees her. I'm so close to doing the same. She reassured my that my dad doesn't hate me for what happened. Funny, but I hate him for it all. I hate that I don't get to see my nieces hardly ever. I hate that he has made my mom into the bad guy. There have been no nightmares this time but I've just felt super low on energy. I just feel super alone.

Physically I'm a mess. I've got massive headaches going on. My hands are all fucked up. My joints hurt like a bitch. I'm sure it has something to do with the forced dehydration I dealt with at work on Wed and Thurs. We didn't have working bathrooms in our building because of renovations. So going to the bathroom meant a 20 minute trip. Wednesday afternoon I felt super horrible.

I'm just feeling super low and blue and alone. I have no clue what the hell to do about it. I don't really drink much of anything anymore. So I can't really get drunk to try and forget. Well I guess I could but I won't. I would probably just break down sobbing and feel even worse. My head hurts enough already tyvm.

And the headaches wouldn't be so damn bed if the kid would stop playing his horrible video game music so loud. 99.9999% of the time, I hate the music played in the background of games. I turn it off when I can and I've given up games where I can't. He has some sort of love affair with it though. He fight dances to it with it turned up. Makes me want to slam doors and scream at him to turn it off.

Ugghhhh I just need to go take a shower and sleep for 12 hours again. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get lately. It's never enough. The more I sleep the more tired I am.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016


I'm sorry. I've just been so tired. Last week I had to play boss while my bonehead boss did field work. Had to play boss for the second half of today too cause he had to fix his tractor. The hitch needed to be welded. Damn we sound redneck. lol

Finally got my fridge working again. This makes me so happy. I still need to deep clean it before I can fill the fridge part back up. The freezer is all spic n span already. Living out of coolers isn't that big of a pain but I'm happy to not have to buy ice every 3 days.

Biggest issue with life right now is the renovations at work. We have 3 days of having to walk to another building to use the bathroom. It sucks. And tomorrow our break room will be torn apart too. It was only a couple weeks ago that they painted everything. Now it's new tile on the floor. I'm tired of it already.

Nick is done with school this year. He pulled off pretty good grades. I want him to try and get a part time job but he is afraid. So he has been doing odd jobs around the house. He knows if he doesn't do something his internets will go bye bye. I still wish he would get a job outside the house. He will be 17 in eleven days. I had my first job at 15.

Anyways. I'm gonna go take a shower and eat some dinner. Maybe I'll have something interesting to post about one of these days.