Tuesday, October 04, 2016

weird dreams

I know I've mentioned on here that I tend to have very vivid and weird dreams. I always have. Sometimes they can be so real that it takes me quite a while to realize I'm dreaming.

I want to talk a bit about one of those types of dreams. I call them "false waking" dreams. I tend to have them a lot. Basically in the dream I'm convinced that I'm waking up. It might take a few minutes to realize that something is off so I must still be sleeping. Almost always it's followed by yet another false waking dream.

Most of the time these dreams have something to do with someone being in my house that shouldn't be. Normally it's one, or both, of my parents. My dad isn't allowed in my house and my mother knows not to just barge in. She always calls before she comes over to give me fair warning.

A lot of times the way I'm alerted to the dream not being real by the fact that the layout of my house is off somehow. Sometimes I've combined two different houses that I've lived in. Sometimes it's just that all my stuff is either moved about or boxed up. Sometimes what clues me in is that there is some sort of weird catastrophic damage to the house.

One early clue that I try to catch is that I have a lot of difficulty getting up out of bed or just moving my blankets. It's very close to one of the paralyzed dreams that I have. It's like it's taking some sort of almost superhuman strength to move. Now I do suffer from severe fatigue much of the time. It can be kind of hard to move in the mornings and I can also be kind of confused when I first wake up. So sometimes this clue slips by because it's not too far out of reality. It's just kind of multiplied.

Well, I had a series of these dreams this morning. One I figured out pretty quickly but the other went on almost twice as long before I realized it wasn't real.

The first one was pretty short. Everything was very dark which right off the bat was wrong for what time I knew it to be. I didn't hear my phone ring but for some reason I could hear someone leaving a message on my cell phone. Yeah big red flag there. Plus the message was an almost copy of a message I got a few months ago on my house phone. Dude had the wrong number to begin with so there isn't much chance he was going to get my cell number too. So I do the big struggle to get out of bed and get my phone. By the time I'm able to get out of bed the message is over so I decide to get on the computer and check messages. Only my computer is on the floor and I suddenly have plush carpet instead of the almost industrial crap I have. Now, most people say they can't read in dreams. I don't know if they mean that the words are all misspelled or if they are just jumbled. For me, everything is just jumbled. I could read the individual words on the screen but they didn't make sense. Well, anyway, in the dream I'm laying on the floor, still having difficulty moving, and trying to read my screen which was rolling and flickering. This is nothing like how my computer really is. That was pretty much the clincher for me as to this having to be a dream.

And thus ended the first dream. I remember kind of rolling over and hearing the tv on in the living room so I knew it was still before 7 when my alarm was to go off. I drifted off again and almost immediately had another false waking dream.

This time I struggled up out of bed because I wanted to talk to my son before he left for school. I could hear my son in the living room and I went out to speak to him. Only when I went into the living room, most of the furniture was kind of moved about and there were puzzle pieces all over the floor. What made the puzzle pieces weird was that they were all a flat blue/gray. Kind of like the backs of some nicer puzzles I've done. But both sides of the pieces were blank and they were scattered in small piles that made no sense. At this point I realized my son had moved into the kitchen/hallway area so I followed. But as I moved out of the living room area it was immediately clear the kitchen was totally void of anything but bits of broken drywall. My son and a shirtless man I had never seen were taking garbage cans full of this debri outside where it was still very dark. Now right away this should have said to me "nope it's a dream" because the room was huge to begin with. Then all the cabinets and appliances were gone. All this debri on the floor was from a hole in the roof and the guy kept poking at the one wall where the drywall was just falling to pieces. All this debri was also the color of the puzzle pieces. I kept begging him to stop messing with the wall and I would call maintenance to come fix everything. It took another couple minutes of them moving stuff for me to realize I was actually dreaming.

This was actually enough to really wake me up. Whereupon I realized the light and tv were off in the living room. That meant that the kid had already left for school but my alarm hadn't gone off. Not real great when I was getting up early for a doctor's appointment. The butt had gone outside early for some reason and about two minutes later my phone went off. So here I am struggling to wake up and feeling weak and the kid comes back in and says he is not feeling well. I was totally out of it and told him I didn't care and to get his butt on the bus. lol He was fine btw. It was another half hour before I was really feeling awake and with it.

Usually the catalyst for these types of dreams is my being able to hear the tv when I'm only half asleep. I sometimes nap with my tv on when I don't want to end p taking a really long nap. I just tend to get annoyed with being woke up by the tv and just get out of bed. Since I've been off work, Nick wakes me up in the morning by turning the tv on but I try to go back to sleep because the weirdo keeps waking up at 5:30 and that is too damn early to get up when you have no plans.

I'm just really grateful that these dreams usually aren't scary. It's the ones where I'm dreaming that I'm waking up but I'm paralyzed that get scary. I know I've talked about those before and I'm just too damned tired to go find the post right now.

I'm sure no one made it past the second paragraph. It's not that interesting of a subject. I really just wanted to get it written down somewhere.

And now I really should go to bed and hope I don't have any weird ass dreams in the morning.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Soo much shit has been going on the last couple weeks that I keep forgetting to update.

So the neurology appointment was a total bust. It wasn't for my headaches. It was to have an ENG done on my arms to check for carpal tunnel. Do not get this test done unless you are pretty damn sure you actually have carpal tunnel cause, holy shit, it hurts. Basically they give you electrical shocks on your arms, wrists, and hands.It really fucking hurts. And then they stick long needles into your muscles to "listen" to them. Ended up nearly screaming when she was testing my right hand and moved it without telling me. In the end, I do not have carpal tunnel.

The gyn appointment was much more productive. The doc did a pelvic exam and insisted I come back a week later for an ultrasound because my uterus was very large. So I ended up making an appointment for the same day as the hematology appointment. The ultrasound took forever and was not entirely pleasant. Turns out there were some rather large fibroids in there. Doc says it's time to remove the works. She couldn't promise that if she had removed just the fibroids that I wouldn't need an emergency hysterectomy anyway. And that would lead to a big ass scar that wasn't necessary.

So the doc says to hang out for a bit because scheduling might be able to get me in the next week. She comes back and does my pre admission tests and gives me some cds with the robotic surgery videos on them. Check from scheduling comes in and tells me the surgery would be the next thursday. headdesk So from the date of the first visit to surgery was only two weeks.

I go see the friendly vampire in hematology that afternoon and he is shocked as shit I'm up and walking around. By this time my hemoglobin levels are only at about 6.6. He insists that I need a transfusion asap. He swears it will only take 4 hours. I'm thinking I'll be home a little after Nick goes to bed and I'll be able to get enough sleep seeing as I need to work Friday. I agree to the transfusion and head to the hospital and get checked in. It's then that I find out transfusions take about 4 hours per unit of blood and he has ordered two. sigh So I didn't get home until 12:30am. The kid didn't wake up when I got home so I let him sleep. Grabbed a shower and got a whopping 2 hours of sleep. When I called Nick up the next morning, he was freaking out because he didn't think I had come home. Talk about ripping my heart out.

So that Friday I got signed up for FMLA and temporary disability. I was very grateful to learn that my company offers the TD for long absences due to health stuff. I had no clue what I was going to do for money after my vacation time ran out. HR and my big boss were super supportive about the whole deal. My immediate boss was a dick about it. Big surprise there.

Saturday I ended up in the acute care office because my right thigh was swollen and sore. I was freaking out thinking my surgery would be delayed. They did an ultrasound on my leg and diagnosed me with phlebitis. It was all superficial and there were no blood clots shown on the scans. I had to see my GP on Monday for a follow up and he said there should be zero issues with going ahead.

I worked Monday and Tuesday except for when I had to go see my GP. I took off Wednesday because I wasn't allowed to eat any solid food. Seeing as I was already dizzy and weak, the idea of trying to work while not getting to actually eat wasn't a good idea. Mom took me up the the hospital on Thursday and got me checked in. Surgery went smooth and I didn't even need extra blood thanks to the transfusion. My hemoglobin was actually up to 7.7 after surgery. My highest number in this whole ordeal.

Waking up in recovery was the worst part of it. My tongue was covered in mucus and I couldn't stop from coughing. That fucking hurt. So here I am all drugged out and whining to the nurse that I need a drink because I have mucus and it hurts to gag on it. But I'm saying all of this with a horrible lisp. I just remember saying "mucuth" several times. She ended up giving me a wash cloth to wipe my tongue with. I don't actually remember being moved up to my room. The first day was just a blur of pain and sleep. Getting up to walk sucked ass. And they had me on an all liquid diet. I don't want another bowl of soup for a very long time. Friday one of the nurses took pity on me and brought me a lunch from someone that had left early and I got a hamburger and a baked potato. I got to come home late Friday.

I had all these plans for the kid to take care of me while I was dealing with all the pain from surgery. Only the brat was fighting a bad cold. I ended up taking care of him and he stayed home on Monday. Honestly, by Sunday I was having zero trouble getting around. As long as I take the ibuprofen regularly I'm fine. I get a bit of pain from gas and I'm a little wobbly but nothing like I had feared. Oh and the stupid phlebitis seems to have cleared up. I had pressure cuffs on my legs for most of the time I was in the hospital and I think that constant movement cleared up the swelling. Before surgery I was limping because my leg hurt so much. Now I can't even see the damn varicose vein that the phlebitis was centered around. I would really love to have a pair of those pressure cuffs for when I go back to work. It's like a constant massage on my calfs.

Now my biggest fear is going stir crazy. I'm not allowed to drive until I see the doctor again which is on the 4th. So I'm stuck at home. I'm not sleeping as much as I had anticipated. I actually walked the half block to the gas station Monday because I was so damn bored. Here the damn hermit is going nuts after only a couple days into a 6 week recovery. I'm already slowly starting to clean the house which I didn't think I would be up to until next week.

So, yeah, lots of crap going on lately. I've still got a bunch of doctor's appointments in the next month. I'm going to see if I can't cancel the appointment with the hand doctor in November since the ENG says no carpal tunnel. I've got an appointment in early December to see about my headaches. Wish it could have been sooner but they are busy.

And now I just need to force myself to get enough rest and to not push too hard in cleaning. I'm going to dig out a couple knitting projects and see if I can't find the patterns and get back to knitting a bit. My hands haven't been hurting too much lately.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

Having a rough night

Nothing in particular is wrong. Just the normal headaches I always have. It's making me hold my head stiffly which is making my neck and throat hurt a bit.

But I just cried while watching a click from Bedknobs and Broomsticks. The two locomotion scenes. I really like that song. And I'm watching Harry Potter. The scene where McGonagall wakes up the school and tells it to protect itself and the students always reminds me of the battle scene from BaB.

I've gotten jack shit done this weekend as per usual. I just feel icky. Head hurts. Body hurts. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I can't wait for this to no longer be an everyday thing.

So, I've been passed off to the hematology department for testing. While my iron levels are steady, they are not improving. Thus the feeling icky and tired still. My body doesn't seem to want to absorb the extra iron I've been taking. I'm still hovering around 6 points instead of climbing back up to 12.

This week will be busy at the doctor's office. I see neurology on Wednesday. I'm hoping they will finally give me something to help with these damn headaches. If they try to say my head hurts from being depressed and not the other way around, I may scream though. If you had a headache nearly 24/7 and had near constant body aches, you would be fucking depressed too. Ease my pain and I might be just a tad bit more chipper.

I see gynecology on Friday. At the very least I want back on the depo shot. That stopped my period completely the last time I was on it. Stop the drain on my hemoglobin levels and I bet I'll start feeling better. I have very heavy periods with lots of cramping during the first few days. The doctor had mentioned an ablation which I'm cool with if the shot doesn't work. I would rather avoid a hysterectomy if possible. I've not had real surgery before and the idea of complications sort of freaks me out.

And I'm still seeing my PCP in October and I'll be seen for testing for carpal tunnel in November. Too many doctor's visits. Too much poking and prodding.

I just want to feel ok again.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

grrrr arggg

I am so exhausted.

I'm not talking about tired.

I'm talking about my limbs are so fucking weak with it. Especially my arms.

I can barely breath with this. I'm not out of breath from doing anything. I just feel like I can't get any air. The effort of breathing is somehow too much.

My head isn't buzzy. It's like something is trying to drag my brain out of the bottom of my skull. It's like the effort of thinking is sucking my brain our of me.

And yet..

I've been off work all except like 4 hours on Monday. I've left the house a grand total of two times since Monday. Ok, I take that back. I drove to the gas station up a half block away twice. I didn't have cash for Nick to go for me and I still haven't gotten him his own ATM card.

I've been out of the house a total of maybe 3 hours.

90% of the time I've either been sitting in my chair reading online or in bed sleeping.

The only thing I've done as far as housework was defrosting the fridge. This only entailed having Nick bring in the coolers. One day I went and got ice and emptied the savable food from the fridge section after getting ice from the gas station. The next day I emptied the freezer. This was after making sure I had like 8 or 9 frozen water bottles instead of buying ice. Less of a mess that way.

And then today I went and got groceries for the week. I put them away and emptied the coolers now that I'm sure the fridge is staying cold.

We get ice in the back of the freezer and none of the cold air will go into the fridge. It's not a self defrosting freezer. This means I usually end up losing a bunch of cheese and breads when I don't realize the fridge isn't keeping things cold.

So really, there is no reason for the exhaustion. I've been a lazy ass for a week. I'm taking my meds. I'm trying to not eat quite so much junk. Hard to do with the fridge being on the blink but still.

But I still feel like warmed over shit. The headaches are just as bad. I will say my legs haven't hurt as much lately. But then again I've been sitting mostly. My arms and hands still hurt like mad. Right now from my elbows to my shoulders just aches so bad.

The only obvious change from taking the meds is the damn green poop. I haven't had much trouble from the IBS in the last couple months thanks to extra fiber. But now, thanks to the damn iron pills, I've actually been slightly constipated.

I wouldn't mind if it meant I felt better. But I don't.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

It's confirmed

I'm not crazy.

Well ok maybe but the whole being tired all the time. It's not all in my head.

I've been to the doctor so many times in the last couple weeks it's scary. Actually they did have me pretty scared there for a minute. Went in and had bloodwork done and within an hour I had a nurse calling me up and asking if I was feeling ok. Insisted that I come in and see the on-call doctor that afternoon. The only thing she told me was that my hemoglobin was really low. Yeah, don't search for that on webmd. Just don't.

So, normal hemoglobin level is about 12. People normally start feeling ill when it drops to 8. I've had three tests in the last week. My numbers were 6.5, 5.9, and 6.1. My doctor was on vacation when he got the first numbers and was shocked. Said it was a testament to how tough I am that I'm still functioning mostly normally. If you hemoglobin level were to fall to my levels quickly, you would be on the way to the ER.

I'm loading up on replacements and getting my levels rechecked.I'm on a high dose of iron twice a day. I'm taking B-12 every day. My levels were kinda low on B but not scary low. I'm also on a massive dose of vitamin D once a week. I've got the levels of an 80 yr old apparently. Ooops!

All my other bloodwork was fine. No arthritis. Doc says low iron levels and low vitamin D levels can cause joint pain. This means they have been low for a very long time.I hadn't had my bloodwork done in at least 5 years.

It's fucking scary that low iron can cause so many troubles. Even though I've been taking the pills for a couple weeks, I was also hit by a heavy period. So I have taken a week off of work to rest. I got super dizzy on Monday and really didn't want to pass out at work. They have to call an ambulance and even though we are a block from the hospital it would still be a huge bill that I don't need. I explained to my boss what was going on and she went through some of the same stuff about 10 years ago. Good to have a boss that won't give me shit about taking off.

So yeah, still tired as all hell. Still having bad headaches. My joints still fucking hurt.

But it's not in my head. And I'm taking my meds and trying to drink lots of water. I'm hoping a week of resting will help.

And I have appointments with specialists coming up. Second week of Sept. I'm seeing a neurologist about the headaches. And I've got an appointment with a gyn to see about telling aunt flo to fuck off. I'm keeping my options open. I've been on Depo before and had it stop completely. Beyond that there is ablation or a possible hysterectomy. Surgery will be a last resort. And in November I'm getting tested for carpal tunnel. That might explain some of the hand/arm pain.

Did I mention I'm being treated for tendonitis in my left wrist/ thumb? Hurt myself at work about 3 weeks ago and am on light duty for another two weeks yet. I'm in physical therapy and everything. I'm hoping this week at home will help out the hand too. I had been trying to do small stuff at work but the whole nearly passing out kind of killed that.

Anyways, I may be falling apart, but I'm falling forward at least. Hopefully by the new year I'll be on the mend and feeling a bit more human.

Saturday, August 06, 2016


As much as I said I wasn't expecting a miracle, I had hoped for something good to happen.

Everything is still hurting. My arms and feet are just aching to beat the band. My head is grumpy as fuck.

The meds the doc gave me to help with the headaches is also an antidepressant. I know I can use one of those in my life. But right now I'm a weepy grumpy mess. Every little thing is making me emotional. The pain I'm in is making me emotional.

I just want to feel ok again.

And no one seems to give two shits just how broken I am.

My mother keeps calling but it feels more like she just hates not knowing what is going on. She always ends up complaining about how much her life sucks. And she always calls when I'm eating. So I end up feeling ill and my head hurts worse.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Good news? Bad news? I dunno

I've been to the doctor both yesterday and today. It's a bit mind numbing.

My PCP was good. He actually listened to me. Other than to say it had been a long time, he didn't yell at me. I'm getting lab work done next week. I go back in a month right after seeing a neurologist for some tests. He gave me a med to try. I'm hoping it helps with the headaches. I'm not expecting miracles or anything. I did wake up with a massive headache this morning so I'm hoping it isn't going to cause the opposite reaction in me like some meds. He is also having me tested for carpal tunnel later this year. In the meantime I'm to wear braces on both wrists when I'm in bed.

I went back to have my left hand checked today. I did not get good news. I'm to be on light duty for another two weeks and do physical therapy. HR is dragging their feet on determining where the physical therapy will happen. I gave her the news at 10am and I still have no clue what is going on. I'm to keep wearing the brace they gave me for the next two weeks too. That thing is hot on my hand and is stinky now because of it. I'll keep it on as much as I can though. When the doc manipulated my thumb today I wanted to curl up in a little ball because it hurt so bad. I had honestly thought I was going to be released back to regular duty today.

And once again, even though I mostly sat at the computer all day at work, I'm in enough pain to nearly cry. My legs and arms hurt really bad. I need to take a shower and take some pain meds but holy crap I don't have the energy to get up and move. My head is really starting to hurt again.

Oh and I tried a caramel frappuccino today. Still don't like coffee one bit. I suppose if it were really, really, really cold I could stomach it. But not for $2.50 a bottle. I can get a bottle of DOC360 for $1 (which I actually like) or a bottle of MT Dew for $1.25 (which I hate but can drink if really cold if I do it fast). I'm just trying to find something with a bunch of caffeine that isn't too horribly sugary that I can drink in the morning. I'm wondering if it might help the headaches and help me wake up. I can't do sugary in the morning or I get icky feeling and I get heartburn.

I totally missed getting Nick registered for school thanks to all the crap that has been going on lately. With having to fill in for my boss, my hand hurting and the headaches I just totally read the paperwork wrong. They are ok with us coming in next Friday to get his schedule and locker assignment. They move the kids every year to keep the same grades in the same hallway of lockers. I think I preferred my high school where you kept the same locker the entire time you went there. All the lockers were in one great big area under the classrooms. I never felt intimidated by the older students with lockers near me.

I'm planning on trying to sleep in tomorrow but we need to do the shopping tomorrow. We have a tax free weekend every year right before school starts. It's for kids clothes, shoes and school supplies. I know it's not saving a huge amount of money but every little bit helps. Breaking up my weekend is just going to mess with me. I really do not want to do a schedule change like I had to do this week again.

Oh well, I'm going to try and take my shower now and hit the sack early. If I'm asleep I can't feel how much my legs hurt.

Monday, August 01, 2016

I have lost perspective

I honestly don't know what a normal amount of pain is.

Is there a normal amount?

Do most people feel pain every single day?

Am I just a damn whiner?

I just don't know any more.

I don't take pain meds at home because I know I'm hurting my organs with how many I take at work. But if I don't take the pills at work I can barely move around. At home I walk like an 80 yr old.

Right now, after only doing paperwork all day, my feet, knees, hands, arms and neck/upper back are all aching. It's a constant dull crushing pain. The only sharp pain in from my left wrist if I move it too much. I need to put my brace back on after I'm done typing. Ok, as I finished typing that I realized my arches really hurt too. There are some sharp pulses up my ankles and into my shins.

Am I just being a baby about this? Is the average 40 some odd yr old in this much pain every day?

I'm just afraid my doctor is going to tell me to shut up and put up with it cause everyone hurts.

I just honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I've been used to some amount of pain for many years now. I just put it all down to the fact that I fucked my body up when I flipped my car and I just need to deal with it.

But the last couple months have just been piling up on me.

I can barely clean the house because I'm in too much pain to move around much. I only leave the house for work and grocery shopping. We haven't even gone to the movies in nearly a year. The idea of going on vacation somewhere just exhausts me to think about. I've passed up on three or four opportunities to see bands that I love because the effort would be too much.

I just spend every night sitting in front of my computer because I don't have the energy left to actually have a life outside of work. Working takes up all the energy I have. I have been trying to get more sleep in hopes that I'll have more energy after work to do the things I need to do. I'm just as tired. If not more.

Ugghhh this is not helping.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

gah whine

I hate feeling like this. My hands, elbows, knees and ankles are just killing me. It's a constant ache. Kind of like someone has my joints in a vice.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that the doctor will listen to me on Thursday. Part of me wants a damn name for what is wrong. Some sort of acknowledgement of my pain.

Part of me is afraid that the doctor will say, "well you have xyz. The only treatment is OTC pain meds." I've exhausted the OTC stuff. It's just not working. To even take the edge off I'm taking almost enough to overdose.

I'm afraid he will say that the insurance will insist I do a course of OTC before getting anything stronger. This will mean weeks more of pain and more copays.

I know there isn't going to be a magic bullet that will take away all the pain. I'm used to some amount of pain. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be able to move around without cringing or wanting to puke because it hurts too bad.

I'm not going to off myself or anything. I can't do that to my son. I will not leave him to deal with my parents alone.

I just want to feel like me again.

Friday, July 29, 2016


So on Tuesday I hurt my left wrist. I wasn't even doing anything really. I was using my left arm to keep my balance while I leaned over and owwie! Didn't think it was any big deal and I had a meeting to get to.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the damn thing still hurts like a bitch. I kept asking my boss if the company would pay if I waited until after work to go have it looked at or if I had to go during shift. He totally blew me off. He didn't bother to email HR like I had asked. After a couple hours he hands the paperwork to me and tells me to go to HR myself.

HR lady scolded me for not having it looked at on Tuesday. If I went to the clinic every single time I felt a twinge, I would be there nearly every day. It's not unusual for something to hurt. The last time I let a sore wrist go to long I ended up in a wrist brace for 2 years. The only reason it healed up was I ended up in the office for 7 months.

So now I've got a brace that keeps me from moving my thumb and thus keeps me from being able to grab anything. Squeezing my hand is mostly what causes problems. Bossman is not impressed and is in fact kind of pissed off. I kept getting the stink eye from him Wednesday and Thursday. It's not my fault the doctor put down that I can't use my whole left arm.

So on top of the increasingly nasty headaches lately, my damn hand hurts. Today is a super bed head day. It hurts like a bitch and is making me want to yak. It's depressing the hell out of me too. I just want one damn day where I'm not hurting. It doesn't even need to be an "active" day. I would gladly sit on my ass all day and read or knit (please, please) if it meant I wasn't in pain. I fucking miss knitting. My hands and wrists ache too much to risk it though. The pain afterward just isn't worth it.

I really fucking hope the doctor listens to me on Thursday. And that he believes me when I tell him how much pain I'm in. Hopefully he won't just blame it on my weight. I gained more weight because it hurts too much to be active damn it. Not the other way around. Kind of like when they insisted the reason I was tired all the time was because I was depressed. Just ignore the fact that the fatigue came months before the depression. You try being up and happy when you are so fucking tired you could cry all the time.

And now I must lay down for a bit or I'm going to puke. The Advil Migraine didn't do a damn thing to help.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

I had hope

I had hope that today would be easier. It's not supposed to be as hot or as humid today. I thought maybe my joints wouldn't hurt as much. I was wrong.

My hands, ankles and knees are the worst. Ok, my shoulders are pretty painful too. I need to go do the shopping though.

I did have to go to the store Thursday night and that was a blast. I didn't do all the shopping because it was pouring down rain and I didn't want to load and unload a whole bunch of shopping. I only went because I was out of tampons when I was convinced I had enough to wait until Friday morning to shop.

Thursday night sucked. Just as I was getting ready for bed I realized the tampon situation. No way was I going to pay probably $6 for 6 tampons at the gas station, so I went into town. And, or course, it started storming when I was 5 mins from the store. I got there and parked and just sat for ten minutes. It felt like I was in a car wash with the car being battered back and forth. I finally was able to move the car closer to the store and ran in. By the time I was done the rain had died down. Right as I got home it started storming again. And the damn kid finally listened to me for once even thought I was joking and he was asleep when I got home. I had to juggle 6 bags of groceries and unlock the door in the rain.

I stayed in the house Friday and Saturday to avoid the heat and humidity. I swear if I ever win the lottery my summers are being spent in Alaska or Washington. I just can't breathe when it's this hot.

So, today I need a haircut. I'm hoping it will help with dealing with the heat. My hair is just so damn heavy. And since I'll be farther in town than normal I'm going to hit up a different grocery store to see what's available. They have good deals on pre-made stuff there. Then I'm going to hit the regular grocery for my staples. Hopefully I won't be needing the damn electric cart by then. I have not used one since I sprained my ankle last. Or was it when I tore the tendon my left foot? There are days when I'm very tempted to use one just because I'm in enough pain.

I'm about 90% convinced to call the doctor's office on Monday. I'm really just so tired of trying to deal with the pain using OTC stuff. It just isn't cutting it. I don't like taking that stuff every damn day, all day long. I can never keep ahead of the pain anyway. I'm hoping the doc won't be an ass about my weight gain. It's sort of hard to get any exercise when it hurts to just walk across the damn house to go pee. Hard to eat better when it's painful to do dishes or cook. Easier to just buy prepackaged stuff.

Monday, July 18, 2016


There are days when I wish I were the sort to do illegal drugs.

Sometimes the pain just really gets to me. At the moment my hands and feet really just ache so bad. I wish there was a pain pill strong enough to make it go away. I have such a high resistance to pain meds that most don't do shit for me.

And then there are days when the emotional shitstorm that is my life gets to be too much. Sure I could drink but that just makes me more depressed and blue. I don't get hangovers but I'm just not a happy drunk. It doesn't help me sleep or help me forget. I just get quiet and depressed and most of the time I end up crying. I don't drink nearly as often as I should.

I usually hoard my prescription pain meds. I never need all the pills that they give me for an injury. I save them for days when my back or hands get too painful. Alas, I'm totally out.

I am at the point where all I have left is over the counter crap. I quite literally take doses that are high enough to make doctors I know blanch. I generally try to only take OTC pain meds when I'm at work. If they can help me get through my shift, I'll take them. But I take way too many of them. And they barely even touch the pain. I bought some Advil Migraine to help with the headaches at work. You are only supposed to take 400mg of the acetaminophen per 24 hours. That made me laugh. That does did last me for a couple hours and did actually help the pain. I ended up taking another dose later though. And if I'm taking it in regular pill form I normally take 3 times that.

At home I will take old prescription pain meds. Or I might take one shot of something containing booze. I don't take the OTC stuff because I know the doses I take aren't good for you. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are in pain and nothing works?

I don't want to be seen as a drug seeker when I go see a doctor. I have to admit that I was a bit miffed that the ER doc didn't give me anything for at home when I went the other day. All they really gave me was benadryl and and anti nausea med via IV. Explains why I still had a pretty good headache when I left the ER. I was still at at least a 6 but if they weren't going to do anything else to help I would rather be in my own bed than laying on a gurney bored out of my mind.


I think I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say. My brain wanders when I'm in this much pain. Hands and feet are killing me and I'm getting a worse headache than normal. Once the sun goes down, my fat ass is hitting the sheets.

Sunday, July 17, 2016


So much of the time that is how I feel.

I can be happy for short stretches. And I try to spread that happy. Only, it never really feels like anyone notices.

So often I try and make people laugh or smile and I get nothing back at all. Very often I don't get any acknowledgement that I even spoke.

I'm not talking about this blog. I know no one is ever going to comment on here even though there are people that read it.

I'm on tons of other platforms though. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Ravelry. I might as well be pissing in the wind 95% of the time.

The most reaction I get is when I comment on political posts on FB. I've been known to go back and forth for hours with someone on there. No, I'm not going to change their minds, but it's sure fun making them look like jackasses for a bit.

I dunno what the hell I really expect. No, I know what I expect. I expect nothing. I hope for some sort of sign that someone is listening. A click here or there would be nice.

Mostly I get what I expected though.

Friday, July 15, 2016

One hell of a week

So, my health decided to take a shit this week.

Monday i went to work as usual. Only to have my stomach go all butterfly on me. My stomach just would not settle. I couldn't tell if I was going to puke or shit myself. After about two hours I couldn't take it anymore and went home after putting in for Tuesday off.

I spent most of Monday fighting the urge to puke. Everything I ate just wanted to come up. I didn't thankfully. Last Saturday was when the puking was going on. That prompted the whole rant about hamburger the other day. Tuesday wasn't too bad. I was just a bit tired.

Woke up Wednesday feeling fine. For the first 45 mins at work, I was fine. I drove the forklift around and started getting my machine ready to actually run something for once. Only when I got back to my machine after putting the forklift back, I could see the beginning smug of an ocular migraine starting. I took some acetaminophen right away to try and cut it off. No such luck. Within a half hour I couldn't really see.

This was just the beginning of the problem. I kept trying to push through the blur and get my order running. Only my head started to pound really bad. So I took some ibuprofen. Yes, I know I took them too close together but my damn head hurt. I was feeling kind of light headed and wondered if maybe I was hungry so I went off to grab a sandwich.

By the time I got to the break room, I was feeling dizzy. I put that down to being hungry maybe and grabbed a sandwich. I couldn't taste a damn thing. And because it was too hot my right hand was spasming. I've got nerve damage that makes my hand sensitive to heat. Instead of just jerking away from heat like normal people, my hand jerks and spasms as it pulls back. It was really overreacting to the hot sandwich. Plus, I noticed that when I tried to talk to a coworker in the breakroom that I was having trouble concentrating. Everything was sort of sounding hollow.

On the way back to my machine, another coworker called me over to ask a question. That's when things really started to get weird. I was really starting to get dizzy and I was really having trouble finding the words I wanted to use. My coworker really started to get freaked out. She kept asking me to go to the doctor. I kind of brushed her off and said I would think about it. I was still trying to blame it on being lightheaded from the headache.

When I got back to my machine, I just couldn't ignore just how wonky I was feeling. I kept losing my balance and my head was just pounding. So, I grabbed my paperwork and went over to the computer. I put in to have Thursday off in the system. I still kept trying to convince myself that I was ok and was being a baby and I should go back to work.

It took me a few minutes to finally call up my mom. I just really did not feel safe driving. Well, when I got mom on the phone I confused the hell out of her. I wasn't making any sense at all. I knew what I was trying to say to her but I couldn't get the right words to come out. Yeah, she freaked a bit. She figured out what I meant and said that my dad would bring her over and we would take my car to the doctor.

By the time I hung up with my mom, my one coworker came over to check on me. I was crying by this time and saying I just didn't know what was going on. I told her my mom was coming to get me and she ran off to get my boss. Who knows what the hell he was thinking when he came over to find me crying and incoherent. It's not the first time I've broken down crying in front of him because of my health but it's been a few years. He said it was ok and he would take care of my paperwork. I had been trying to fill it out but I think I messed it up pretty good.

By the time I got my stuff together and made it outside with another coworker to walk with me, my folks had shown up. They drove me over to my car (it's a pretty decent walk to the parking lot) and I had to try and tell my mom how to make my car work. It's keyless entry and you don't actually need to use the key in the ignition. Plus the seats move on their own and stuff.

She wanted to take me to the ER, but I convinced her to take me to the acute care clinic. I didn't want to have to pay for an ER visit if they could just give me something at the clinic for a $25 copay. kwim? Signing in ws not a lot of fun because I was still confused and having trouble talking. When I finally got into a room and tried telling the nurse what was going on, it wasn't much better. I still couldn't find my words and had to keep trying to substitute so I could get the ideas across. Once the PA came in, I knew where things were heading. She talked to me for less than two minutes and shook my hand and sent me off to the ER. Yeah me!!

Still wasn't making much sense when I got to the ER. My speech wasn't really slurred but it was halting and disjointed. They decided to give me some drugs and send me for an MRI. Well, the nurse had trouble putting in the IV. The veins in my hands are a bit scarred up from various hospital visits over the years. So they skipped the drugs and sent me off to the MRI machine.

To give an idea of how out of it I was, I wasn't even freaking out about the MRI at this point. It wasn't until they had me on the machine bed and were strapping my head down that I realized they were going to stick me in an MRI machine. I'm fairly claustrophobic. Having a towel over my eyes and having my head in traction was enough to start making me nervous. When they first put me in the machine I thought I would be fine. I thought it was one of the bigger ones. Finally they pushed me in the rest of the way and the machine started to push on my arms and I really started freaking. I wanted to start yelling, "Can this be over now? Please take me out of here!" I knew it was only going to take about 5 minutes but that was about 5 minutes too long. I managed to stay still somehow and they sent me back to the ER.

The nurse finally got the IV line going and pumped me up with some benadryl and some pain killers. The worst was being left alone in the room with the lights off and no noise. Makes me crazy. After about a half hour the nurse came back and said the MRI was clear and that I was free to go home when I was ready. I was down to about a 5 after being up at an 8 at the worst, so I elected to go home right away.

They said it was just a bad migraine. Pretty much what I had been saying. I ended up sleeping most of the rest of the day. Nick was super great asking how I was and getting me stuff. Yesterday was pretty much more sleeping and resting.

I'm still a bit weirded out by the whole thing. I have to go grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm making Nick go with me. I'm not really worried that anything will happen, but I'll feel better if he is there with me. He needs a haircut anyway. Dude is getting shaggy as hell again.

Part of me is thinking about getting back in touch with the neurology department. I'm sure they have pain meds that would help me more than OTC stuff can. I just don't want to end up on 15 pills a day again. I haven't decided what to do yet.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Mental Health?

 Not really what i mean but it's as close as I can get without going all google search mad. I do that and I won't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I'm realizing more and more that I am even more non neurotypical. I've known for years that my brain doesn't really work like other people's do. And yes, I've been tested.

I've suffered nasty headaches for as long as I can remember. They are nearly constant. I don't really know what it's like to not have a headache. Over the years different doctors have had me on different medications. One did actually do tests. He flat out said my braid was unusual. I have way more electrical activity going on that is supposed to be. He put me on epilepsy meds that did help for awhile.

There have been points in my life where I was on a shit load of medications. Pain meds. Meds to block the extra shit going on in my head. Antidepressants. Meds for spastic muscles. At one point I was on like 10 different medications at once. I don't take anything anymore. I went off them when I lost my insurance and I've been afraid to go back on them.

I had one doctor that was convinced that all my physical ailments were in my head. He sent me to a psychologist that only wanted to explore my memory problems. She didn't care that they were actually from a physical injury. She didn't want to talk about any of the psychological trauma I have experienced. No amount of telling her that the memory trouble started after a traumatic brain injury would shut her up. Her partner is the one that decided to put me on anti depression meds. Pills alone weren't going to solve shit.

Anyway, back to the point of what I was trying to write. I've talked often about my son being mildly autistic and having ADHD. At least one of my brothers has ADHD as well. Frankly I think that if doctors actually diagnosed girls with ADHD when I was a kid I would have been diagnosed too. With me there is no middle ground. I'm either completely focused on one thing to the point that I have no clue what is going on around me or my brain is flittering between a billion things.

I have always said that I need the tv on all the time to cover the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus is so much fun! Don't smack your head on shit people. It messed shit up inside. In reality, I need the background noise to give me something to kind of keep my brain from wandering. If the back of my brain is paying attention to the tv while I'm doing something else I tend to wander off topic less.

I'm fascinated by people that can have one single browser window open. They can concentrate on one subject at a time and then move on. I currently have 6 windows open with a total of 9 tabs. Part of it is habit from when I was on dial-up. I would keep a solitaire game open or a story to read so that I had something to do while other windows were loading. One page would be loading while I read something else and then when I noticed that one was done I would switch. I've got cable now and while it's not the fastest connection I really don't need that many windows open for loading purposes.

I'm sure I've mentioned my son's eating issues on here. I've been noticing my own lately. I've always said that he finds most normal food to be almost horrifying. That he just can't understand why the hell people would eat some of the things that we do. I never realized that I feel the same way about a lot of fairly normal foods. I was just looking at the weekly meal plan put out by a food blogger. All of it was fairly normal and popular food. And I just kept going, "eww, ewww, ewwwww!" Until I got to the end with the deserts there wasn't a damn thing on her menu that I would eat.

There are certain forms of vegetables that I just can't bring myself to eat. I have serious texture issues. I see tons and tons of recipes for lemon chicken or lemon pasta and I want to hurl. Give me a desert that is lemon flavored and I'm fine. I'm the same with most garlic dishes. Garlic bread or pasta dishes with garlic in them are fine. But garlic chicken makes me shudder.

I'm not saying that I think I'm autistic. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere. It would help explain my social anxiety issues. Or the fact that I find it very hard to maintain any sort of relationship. I do not have friends in the traditional sense. I have no one to hang out with on a Saturday afternoon. I've never maintained a romantic relationship for over a year. I just really don't get other people very well. Authority figures scare the hell out of me. I had a conversation with a cop last night and I was shaking the whole time. She was just telling me to update my tags on my car. She was super nice but I couldn't stop shaking.

I know there isn't really a normal. The media loves to talk about normal. I know it's not real. But sometimes I just feel so very far from anything close to normal.

Saturday, July 09, 2016


That's how I'm feeling.

So much in the world is fucked up. I get so angry and sad and I feel so helpless.

I'm a middle aged white chick from fairly rural Iowa. The only discrimination I have to put up with is the fat shaming. It sucks but I don't fear for my life because of it.

Part of me does fear for my son. I know he passes for totally white. Much more so than his cousin or the children of some of my friends. My son does tan super easy. Part of the reason I'm ok with him being such a couch potato is because it keeps him looking pale. As long as he doesn't look "Mexican", he is safer.

I hate having to explain to him baldly that if he is ever confronted by the cops he is to only say "yes sir", "no sir" and "I would like to speak to a lawyer." And he is to be very still and keep his hands in view at all times. Don't even think about trying to run.

Not long ago a 17 yr old white boy was killed not far from here. He was on a joy ride with his dad's company truck. The dad called the cops on him. To teach him a lesson. He told the cops it was his son. They still shot him. Over a stupid truck. He didn't run. He just didn't get out of the truck fast enough. No record. No weapons. But he is still dead. And I can't even imagine the pain his father feels knowing he is the one that sent the cops after him.

I can't even imagine the fear that some of my friends and my sister feel. Their boys are quite obviously of mixed race. I wonder if they feel terror every time they can't get a hold of their boys. If they don't answer their phones right away. My nephew is still very young but I fear for him. I fear we won't be able to change things enough before he is an adult.

I just don't understand all the hate. I don't get grouping all people for something they have no control over. Skin color does not make anyone evil or less of a human being.

Ok, the brain is shutting down. I haven't been eating enough. I need to go get dinner.

Saturday, July 02, 2016


I experience great guilt when I want to complain about pain. Well in certain places on the interwebs anyway.

I know people that suffer with chronic pain disorders. They are in constant pain and push through most of the time. They don't complain about it much.

I've not been diagnosed with anything. They looked into fibro and arthritis at one point years ago. Doc said I didn't have either.

But I am in pain. Almost every day. Almost all the time.

I only take pain pills while I'm at work. People tend to look at me funny when they see me limp or walk stiffly. I've had a few people make comments in the last month.

My right hip is almost always stiff anymore. When I stand up and try to walk, my right leg drags for a bit until I can loosen the joint up.

Both of my knees have been acting up more and more. The other day I sat with my right foot behind my knee for about half and hour. I couldn't move my leg afterward. The sharp pain in my knee was so bad that I could barely stand to pick my leg up with my hands and move my foot forward. I've had to have my son pick up my leg and move my foot for me a few times because of my knee. And by sit with my foot behind my knee, I just mean my foot on the ground was behind my knee above it. I don't sit with my feet tucked up or my legs crossed. I know that won't end well.

My ankles have been cracking like crazy lately. I try not to twist them much but I do it unconsciously and then my ankles ache if they crack. Don't get me started on the bottom of my left foot. I'm starting to wish that the doctors had looked into fixing the tendon I tore. I almost always feel like I'm walking with something stuck to my foot.

And the worst is my hands. My fingers and wrists just ache so bad sometimes. Icy Hot and the like don't do anything but annoy my nose. I like the smell of Tiger Balm better but I don't think it does much. I haven't been knitting at all because my hands just hurt too much.

The headaches I can deal with. I've had most of a lifetime to get used to them. I thankfully only get really bad ones occasionally. I'm sure my definition of really bad is a bit skewed though. As long as I can see and I'm not throwing up or wanting to, it's not a bad one. Yesterday's headache was a bad one.

Maybe I should go back to the doctor. I'm just tired of them telling me there isn't really anything wrong and it's all in my head. Getting the IBS diagnosis was hard. And it's not like they actually gave me anything to help with it. But at least now I have a viable excuse for not eating foods I know will upset me.

And none of this really has a point. I just wish I had people that I could complain to that would commiserate with me. I feel guilty about complaining to most of the people I know. They have it so much worse. Sometimes I just can't imagine going on if I were in more pain that I already am in. I'm not as strong as they are.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Feeling it

I'm feeling super alone lately. I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I haven't in a while and frankly I don't see it happening ever again.

I'm tired of feeling like people are only putting up with me. The only person that really talks to me at work, other than to ask for help, does so only because she is a total gossip. She feeds off having people listen to her crap.

I don't feel like trying is even worth it anymore. Nothing works. Trying just makes it hurt worse.

Sunday, June 26, 2016


I'm having a very bad pain day.

It actually started yesterday while I was at the park. I sat wrong at the picnic table. My foot was behind my knee instead of under it. By the time I went to move my leg forward, I couldn't. I had to pick my leg up using my hands and then manually move my foot forward. It hurt like a sum'bitch.

I've done this before with my knee. It's not something I think about consciously but I think I need to start. The last time I did it, I had to have the kid move my leg for me. He does it faster because he can't feel how much it hurts.

I didn't sleep for shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours and in the bathroom. I hate the first 2 days of my period. I'm subconsciously terrified that I'll make a mess of my bed, so I don't sleep. I ended up staying up for a bit at 5am. I was too damn tired and ended up laying down again. Lots of really weird dreams about my parents. It always happens after I see a family member.

So, I didn't get out of bed until noon. Kind of ruins the day. All of my joints are screaming at me. And I'm trying to find the energy to go get groceries. I should have bought them yesterday but I was just ready to be home. Between the park and visiting one grocery store, I was done. I didn't buy all the groceries there because they are expensive compared to where I normally shop. They were running a good sale on a couple things I needed though.

My arms and hands are just aching like crazy today. Every little movement of my hands hurts. So why am I typing then? Because it doesn't matter if I'm typing or just flexing my hands. It all hurts the same and it only gets worse if I try not to move them.

Time to put the clothes in the dryer. Can't go shopping until the bras are dry.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I am not funny.

I used to think I was. I enjoy making people laugh.

There are only two or three people that seem to get my sense of humor. I don't think people realise when I'm trying to be funny any more.

I tell what I think is an amusing story and all I hear are crickets. Doesn't much matter if I'm telling it online or face to face really.

Should I just start out by saying, "So, funny story ......"? Do i really need to clobber people over the head before they realize I'm joking?

I don't really like this at all. I'm not much good at anything else. And now I'm not even funny anymore.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Today I am sad

The whole situation in Orlando has had me crying all day. Crying because of the hate I've seen. And crying because of the love I've also seen.

This was a hate crime. Pure and simple.

I don't care what religion the murderer was raised in. I don't care about the supposed 911 call or that ISIS is supposedly claiming responsibility. I think that whole bit is just a ruse. I really doubt that call exists. ISIS wants Americans to hate Muslims so they can recruit more members. They will take credit for anything that will cause more hate.

This is about a small minded bigot that got ahold of an assault weapon legally and used it to kill people at a gay bar because he hated gay people. Some are claiming that the CIA has had this guy under watch for years. And yet he got a gun designed to kill people. That is it's only use. To kill people. No one uses this kind of gun to hunt anything other than people. Congress voted to continue to allow people on no fly lists to keep buying guns because of the 2nd amendment and certain people being unable to admit that some people just don't need to own a gun.

People are going to use his religion as an excuse for why he did this. The truth is most major religions can be twisted to condone this sort of action. How many so called Christian leaders have called for the death of LGBT persons? I've seen all sorts of religions used for hate.But we can't blame the whole religion for it. Not every Muslim is a radical. Not every Christian is part of the problem.

I long for the day when I don't have to fear that the wrong person might realize I'm not really the straight person they assume I am. I've never identified as straight. I used to say I was bi. And then i went out in the world and realized there was more than just two genders. There are many many kinds of people. Now I identify as Pan. Simply put, I'm attracted to whomever might strike my fancy and then everything else is negotiable. It doesn't much matter if a person's genitalia matches the gender that they present. Doesn't really matter if either of those match the DNA they were born with.

Most people assume I'm straight because I'm shy and have never made a big deal about it when I've dated women. Mostly because I know my parents are very homophobic. Oh my mom can talk a good game like she is tolerant. But the one time a conversation got back to her that I had been with a woman and holy shit did she got into the whole "how could you do this to me?!?!" As if who I sleep with has anything to do with her.

But now I'm no contact with my dad and I only talk to my mom if I run into her in a store. I don't have to worry about the looks or the lectures. I am who I am and I don't give a shit.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

wheeee more whining

I feel so damn fucked up right now. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I saw my mom on Thursday. I just can't deal with her. She always mentions how my brother just runs from her when he sees her. I'm so close to doing the same. She reassured my that my dad doesn't hate me for what happened. Funny, but I hate him for it all. I hate that I don't get to see my nieces hardly ever. I hate that he has made my mom into the bad guy. There have been no nightmares this time but I've just felt super low on energy. I just feel super alone.

Physically I'm a mess. I've got massive headaches going on. My hands are all fucked up. My joints hurt like a bitch. I'm sure it has something to do with the forced dehydration I dealt with at work on Wed and Thurs. We didn't have working bathrooms in our building because of renovations. So going to the bathroom meant a 20 minute trip. Wednesday afternoon I felt super horrible.

I'm just feeling super low and blue and alone. I have no clue what the hell to do about it. I don't really drink much of anything anymore. So I can't really get drunk to try and forget. Well I guess I could but I won't. I would probably just break down sobbing and feel even worse. My head hurts enough already tyvm.

And the headaches wouldn't be so damn bed if the kid would stop playing his horrible video game music so loud. 99.9999% of the time, I hate the music played in the background of games. I turn it off when I can and I've given up games where I can't. He has some sort of love affair with it though. He fight dances to it with it turned up. Makes me want to slam doors and scream at him to turn it off.

Ugghhhh I just need to go take a shower and sleep for 12 hours again. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get lately. It's never enough. The more I sleep the more tired I am.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016


I'm sorry. I've just been so tired. Last week I had to play boss while my bonehead boss did field work. Had to play boss for the second half of today too cause he had to fix his tractor. The hitch needed to be welded. Damn we sound redneck. lol

Finally got my fridge working again. This makes me so happy. I still need to deep clean it before I can fill the fridge part back up. The freezer is all spic n span already. Living out of coolers isn't that big of a pain but I'm happy to not have to buy ice every 3 days.

Biggest issue with life right now is the renovations at work. We have 3 days of having to walk to another building to use the bathroom. It sucks. And tomorrow our break room will be torn apart too. It was only a couple weeks ago that they painted everything. Now it's new tile on the floor. I'm tired of it already.

Nick is done with school this year. He pulled off pretty good grades. I want him to try and get a part time job but he is afraid. So he has been doing odd jobs around the house. He knows if he doesn't do something his internets will go bye bye. I still wish he would get a job outside the house. He will be 17 in eleven days. I had my first job at 15.

Anyways. I'm gonna go take a shower and eat some dinner. Maybe I'll have something interesting to post about one of these days.

Sunday, May 29, 2016


Ok, I admit it, I forgot about the blog for a hot minute.

Work and allergies have been ruining my brain. The next week doesn't look like it's going to be much easier. My boss will be gone all week which means I get to play boss. sigh I don't like playing boss. Plus, I have a huge project I'm trying to work on. It's a total mess because I was going off what someone else had done first. Only he had stuff marked down as never being ran when we actually have the part in stock. I have to send someone out to the stacks to search for the product.It may have been shipped out when the system was acting funny.

On the home front, I had a birthday the other day. I worked like usual and my coworkers threw a fit that I didn't tell them ahead of time so they could bring in a cake. I didn't really want a cake. My brother was the one that had to open his mouth and tell everyone. And, or course, my mom had to make the day all about herself. I can't hear my cell when I'm at work and I can't really feel it vibrate, so I missed her call. And then I came home to a message on FB even though she had left me one two days before. About an hour later I got another message of "whoa is me, you hate me! why won't you answer?" I had only responded to a couple messages at that point. I was freakin tired and I didn't want to deal with her. But it's what she wants that is important. The boy did remember but only because we argued the day before about his friend's birthday.

My fridge is once again needing defrosting. The amount of ice I pulled out of the back of the freezer was insane. Now to get the insides defrosted so that cold air can get into the fridge part. Cross your fingers it defrosts by tomorrow night so that I can buy groceries. I really don't want to have to buy food every day for work. I didn't lose too much food this time. Mostly just some french fries and hash browns.

I haven't been really looking for a house lately. The only ones in my price range don't have pictures. I mean, who lists a house with only one picture? I really should go look at a couple of them though. I'm tired of paying rent. And I'm not getting a real deal here anymore. It's cheaper than a comparable duplex in the town I want to move to, but I'm paying the top rent here now. We need more room and I'm tired of having the landlord hanging over my head. Yeah, I would be the one replacing my fridge if the defrost doesn't work, but I'm not afraid to buy a cheap piece of shit to tide me over for a couple weeks or months.

I keep dreaming about my dream house in Washington. I want out of Iowa so badly. Nick is the only thing keeping me here. He loves his school and I'm not about to make him change high schools like my parents did to me.

Ehh anyways. Nothing dramatic going on here. Just your usual annoying shit.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

People confuse me

I don't understand why so many people trust me. The people I work with put way too much trust in me. Sometimes it's kind of scary. Were I to be the type to take advantage of things, I could really screw some people over big time.

Both this supervisor and the last have trusted me with information that could technically have gotten them in trouble. It's a big no no to let anyone have your email password. Both gave me theirs. Both trusted me to write emails on their behalf using their accounts. And during the two weeks between supervisors, the next higher up trusted me to actually run the department earning me my own company email address. They don't give those out to just anyone because they have to pay a fee for each address.

With the current supervisor, I'm trusted not only with his email but I've got his other passwords for other programs we use. Hell, he has trusted me to approve time cards for my fellow employees and even my own time card. Granted, I'm not real sure how to fake them in order to screw the company out of money or screw my coworkers out of hours but still. I could still really screw some shit up in the other programs if I wanted to. And all of it would have his name attached and not my own.

Heck, the woman that creates all our jobs trusted me with her password to our main database. When we switched systems, I helped her with inventory and with running through jobs. The first time I actually deleted a job while no one was in the office I got a little scared. It would be super easy for someone to really screw up the system. And I have that power if I wanted to use it.

I know half the crews passwords for putting in for time off. Most of them are scared of computers and can barely type. Granted about the only thing I can really do with those passwords is to put them all in for random days off work. But then I could sign in as my supervisor and approve that time off without anyone being aware of it.

And today one of the ladies in the IT department shared a very important password for the printers with me. While I might not be able to cause physical damage to the printers, I now have the ability to really fuck up settings that only IT can fix.Hell, I know how to sign into a printer remotely and mess stuff up so I don't even have to do it while at work.

Not that I would ever deliberately mess up any of the systems at work. Even if they were to screw me over big time, I just don't have it in my to sabotage anything. The fear of being a bad person it way too strong. You can blame the principal at the school I went to in 2nd and 3rd grade for that.

I spent my whole childhood moving from school to school. Not anywhere near as bad as the poor Winchester boys, but I did manage to go to ten schools before I graduated from high school. This particular school was the only one where I got into any serious problems. I was always a very shy kid. I didn't really see the point of trying to make friends when I knew we were probably going to move soon anyway. So I just kept to myself.

Unfortunately this made me a target in the eyes of some of the teachers and the principal. The shit initially hit the fan because I woke up late one morning and didn't have time to eat before I had to leave for school. I only had to walk about 6 blocks. So my mom gave me a package of poptarts and sent me off to school. I still hadn't finished the second one when I got to school and I had the wrapper still. When one of the teachers saw that, she decided that I must be the kid that had been stealing the other kids lunches. It had to be me because I was bigger than my classmates and obviously I was strong arming them for their lunches. I wasn't fat or anything, I was just taller earlier than most of the kids.

So, I got in big trouble for the whole food stealing thing even though my mom told them she had given me the poptarts. They didn't care. A couple weeks later they found an old reel to reel tape in my locker. Obviously I had stolen it from the library. Who knows what else I had stolen from the school. It didn't matter that I told them that I found it on the playground. I just thought it made a cool streamer and I wanted to play with it at the next recess and put it in my locker so it wouldn't blow away. Nope, I was a thief and they were determined to kick me out for it. I guess they only wanted to allow for two strikes.

Turns out I didn't get kicked out. Right about this time one of my grandmothers died. My folks decided that my grandfather couldn't possibly live on his own and they decided that, once again, we would be moving. This time we would move in and take care of my poor old grandpa. We lived with him for four years before my parents realized that a man in his mid 50s was perfectly able to take care of himself. heh Both my parents are now in their 60s and would balk at the idea that they needed to be taken care of.

But anyway, this whole thing with the school has led me to have a lifelong fear that anyone might think I'm a thief. Even a hint of any wrong doing on my part scares the shit out of me. I never even had the usual youthful shoplifting incident.

Oh, I've done things that could have resulted in me being arrested for stupid shit. I was always pretty careful to not get caught. I should note that none of the things I may or may not have done would have resulted in an actual prison sentence. Stealing was never an option though.

I still don't get why people trust me as an adult but no one would trust me as a kid.  I never quite got the lure of breaking the rules. I just wanted to get along and stay under the radar. The less attention I got the better.

Saturday, April 30, 2016


I am one tired chickie.

We have worked a month straight of 10hrs mandatory overtime each week. This time last year we were just about to finish up doing that for about a year and a half. I don't remember being this tired last time.

Part of it is that I haven't really recovered from that damn cold. My lungs are still very iffy. Stairs are really not my friend right now. I've begged off doing any extra training the last two weeks because I feel like I'm dying by the time I get to the training room in the other building. On Tuesday I'll be in that damn training room twice probably. Once for training and once for a meeting. It will not be a good day. Tuesday also starts three days where I will be in charge of my department because bossman will be away.

On an unrelated note, I'm kinda sad. About a month ago I found a house that I really liked. It was a little more than I could afford but I loved it. Two weeks later it disappeared from the one realty site. Queue the sadness. And then last week I realized it was still on another site. Queue the excitement of maybe having a second chance. With my tax return coming I would maybe have enough of a down payment. And now the house is off the other site. sigh It was still too much anyway but I liked it dang it.

So I'm sitting here sad and in the middle of an allergy attack. I'm starting to wonder if there is something in one of the shampoos I use or in the body wash that is giving me allergy attacks. Sometimes after I take a shower my eyes just itch like a bitch and I get all snotty. My body is fucked up enough to be allergic to freaking shampoo. For future reference it was the Almond and SheaButter Suave shampoo that I used tonight. I don't usually use the same one two nights in a row. So I'll have to remember the next time I use it.

And now on another completely different note, I've noticed that my favorite go to movies are really, really varied. When we first moved into this place I couldn't afford to get a dish so we only got like four channels. This meant we spent a lot of time watching VHS tapes. There was no option to have cable in this tiny shitass town at the time. We only got cable about four years ago. So I'm going to list out my go to movies.

The Back to the Future Trilogy: I have all three movies on one tape. I would watch that tape over and over again. Even now if I see one of them is on tv I'll watch.

Godzilla (1998): This was Nick's favorite movie as a toddler. He would get so excited when it was on. "Did you see that mom? Godzilla! RAWR!!" and he would stomp his feet.

The Blade Trilogy: Ok, so I really only like the first and last movies a lot. The second one wasn't real great. And we will just ignore that there are more without Snipes in the helm. Nick was almost named after Deacon Frost from the first movie. Had his dad not taken off, he probably would have been. And the third one is the best because of Ryan Reynolds. That man is a treasure.

The Scream Trilogy: I have a thing for trilogies even though some of them have more than three movies in them. lol I love scary movies and well scary movies that make me laugh are even better. Nick hates the Scream movies because he hates scary movies. We bond over sci-fi and action movies.

The Riddick movies: I don't count the animated movie. It's ok but I've only watched it like twice. I like Vin. No more needs to be said.

The Fast and the Furious: Just the first one. The rest of them are kind of boring to me really. shrug But again we have Vin being Vin.

Independence Day: I love this movie. It has my favorite things in it. Aliens, shit being blown up and Will Smith. I've lost count of the times I've watched it.

I, Robot:  This was one of my favorite books. They did a passable job turning it into a movie. And again we have Will Smith. I hate watching it on cable though. They always blur out Will's tush. Not cool.

The Men in Black Trilogy: Back to the trilogy thing. Again we have Will Smith and aliens. A winning combo. Plus, Tommy Lee Jones is freaking hilarious and he is one of my favorite actors.

The Fugitive: Again with Tommy Lee Jones. And we add in Harrison Ford for good measure. Good action movie with some humor added in in small doses. Good stuff.

U.S. Marshals: And again Tommy Lee Jones and Wesley Snipes. Even more humor in this one. Oh and we have the addition of Robert Downey Jr. Be still my heart.

The Silence of the Lambs: Anthony Hopkins is awesome. There is only one part of this movie that I fast forward through. The scene where Catherine is in the well and Buffalo Bill is taunting her and they are both screaming is too uncomfortable for me. Ted Levine is super awesome as Buffalo Bill. I've seen the sequels but none were as impressive as the first.

The Avengers: This movie was an awakening. It spurred a love of comic books movies that I didn't realize that I had. A great big part of that can be blamed on Tom Hiddleston. His Loki was so perfect. Everyone else was awesome too but I have a soft spot of Hiddles.

The Iron Man movies: After seeing The Avengers in the theater I went back and revisited Iron Man. I totally forgot how much I loved the first movie. I've now seen them all many, many times. I'm not a huge fan of the second one though. I don't really like Mickey Rourke much as an actor. RDJ is enough to make up for it though.

The Marvel Comic Book movies: Should I just say that I love all the new Marvel comic book movies? I really do. The first Captain America movie is a little harder to watch. I had to watch it like three times to figure out what the hell was going on. The second one was much easier to follow. I like Age of Ultron even though there are certain aspects that annoy the hell out of me. The whole Bruce/Natasha thing is bonkers and Clint having a wife is BS.

Harry Potter: Can't forget this series. Again I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them all. Hell I've lost count of the number of times I've read the books. I've lost count of the number of fanfictions I've read too.

I know I'm forgetting so many that I watch a lot. The Cornetto Trilogy is a big fav but I don't have them all on DVD but I will watch them if they are on. Not to mention Paul cause Nick Frost and Simon Pegg are awesome. The new Star Trek movies are super sweet but again I don't own them. The Lord of the Rings trilogy which I own on dvd and VHS. All of Stephen King's movies. Most of which I do own on at least VHS. I don't have a working VCR that is hooked up to anything anymore though.

I could probably keep going, but those are the ones that I'm most likely to watch over and over again. And now I'm super tired and I think I could actually sleep now.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Not ignoring the blog!

We broke all our sales records last month. Now it is time to make all the things. Mandatory overtime is mandatory. Tired Frod is super fucking tired.

Just one order that we are working on calls for almost two months worth of material. And it all has to be done like yesterday. And there is another massive order coming up behind it.

So to avoid getting sick again I've been trying to get more sleep. I usually get by on 4 1/2 to 5 hours a night during the week. I make up for it on Friday by sleeping in. I can't do that when we are working mandatory 10 hrs over. This leaves me with only two days off and I can't sleep all day Saturday and feel like I had time off.

It's not helping that I'm not 100% over being sick last month. My lungs never fully recovered. I'm out of breath a lot more than normal. And about twice a week I have to go across campus and up a huge flight of stairs to get to training sessions. I usually feel like dying by the time I get to the top of the stairs.

The new twist is that my stupid headaches are making me smell cigarette smoke when there is no smoke anywhere around. Shouldn't be a big deal except I'm allergic. My stupid body smells smoke and automatically tells itself to start coughing. Doesn't matter that the damn smoke isn't real. So my chest is hurting from coughing.

And this is the time of year that I hate the worst. The temp changes by 10 to 20 degrees during the day. Even if the thermostat is set at the same temp all day it's alternating between being sweltering in here or being freezing. I leave for work and I'm shivering but when I go to leave I'm sweating. This is not helping keep me healthy.

So yeah, I'm tired and ornery but nothing major is going on. Only cool thing is that I wrote a small drabble and published it on AO3 and it has actually gotten a positive response. I didn't even share it on Tumblr or anything. People are finding it and liking it. I've got another idea for a story and as soon as I'm able to stay awake long enough I'll write it up.

But right now I"m going to go read for a few before I go to bed.

Saturday, April 09, 2016

I work with weirdos

Seriously, they are all weird. Two of them are plotting to get me a new position in the company. One that doesn't even exist. They didn't ask my opinion. They just started campaigning with our boss.

Basically they are trying to get me to be an inside material handler for our department. All our raw materials are stored outside. We have to call the head material handler for outside when we want something. He then calls one of the guys on the forktrucks to bring the stuff to the door. It can take quite a while to get materials. Sometimes this leads to my coworkers struggling to keep busy while waiting because they didn't plan far enough ahead for what they would need. They want me to plan out what will be run and do all the material requests and keep things flowing. Well, the planning part is really my boss's job. So is calling in the big stuff that we will need. Usually it's the interim stuff that the guys end up waiting for because the big stuff is already done. I should mention that most of the guys hate calling in materials.

I already do more than what my actual job is. My job is supposed to just be cutting and running materials. Sign in, do my job, make labels and put shit away. Somehow I'm also in charge of making outside labels for half the crew. Not to mention being the one everyone goes to when they can't find something or don't know where to put something when they are done with it. Half the guys don't know how to look at their time cards or how to put in a vacation request. So I act the part of secretary. My boss is constantly handing me slips of paper with part numbers on them and asking me to look into "that". This means figuring out what we have on hand against what the system says we have and figuring out why they don't match. And in my little corner of the building, I keep an eye on inventory and request jobs to fill empty racks.  Not to mention that my boss tends to ask me to send emails for him or write up papers and stuff for him.When we transitioned to our new system last year, I spent months working on inventory and helping with paperwork in the office. I spent months not doing anything to do with my regular job and spending my time helping keep the system cleared up and inventory straight. Oh and when the boss is gone, I do his job. The only thing I don't normally do is approve timecards, although I do know how to do it.

Part of me wants to transition to more of a support position. One where I'm doing mostly paperwork and stuff and not actually lifting material. I kind of got used to it last year. The other part is not super happy about the weight I gained from sitting on my ass for 7 months. heh I'm having more health issues lately and my pain levels are not good. The idea of not straining myself is a good one. Not that my job is all that horribly physically demanding. Just the whole being on my feet for 10 hours and repeatedly lifting shit and moving it around. I'm having more trouble with my stupid ankle lately. I am so not hip to the whole being able to feel the damn thing more than usual. You would think that 20 plus years would be too long for nerve damage to start reversing.

Mostly I'm just fucking tired all the time. And my head hurts. I probably need to have my eyes checked. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Not sure what the hell the point of this rant was.

Sunday, April 03, 2016


So today is my dad's 67th birthday. I had the kid call him. I'm not a complete asshole. Just because he has spent most of my life being an asshole to me doesn't mean I have to return the favor. I think he actually hung up the first time Nick called. He did talk to him for a few minutes when he called back. I did not talk to him. It's been almost a year since I've heard his voice except for in my nightmares.

Nothing much else interesting to talk about really. My health continues to be a pita. Nick is mostly being a pita. Life as it is and always has been.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Pissing in the wind

This is how I feel most of the time. I really do think that some people that are supposedly my friends have me on ignore. Reaching out has become pointless.

My mother stopped by today. At least she called first and asked if it was ok. She had a jacket for Nick. We talked for about 15 mins or so. And, of course, she turned on the waterworks when she left. She acts like I'm the cruelest person on the planet because I won't make nice. She made her choices. She earned every single tear.

Nick is on spring break and being a lazy butt. You would think I'm trying to kill him by asking him to do anything. I've only asked him to do his normal chores.

sigh I have a headache. I guess I'm not really in the mood to write either really. Nothing but trivial shit to write about anyway.

Friday, March 18, 2016

mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

figured it out

Yup it's kidney stones and/or a UTI. Not a whole lot of pain but it's annoying. Headache is worse. And my damn blood sugar is kind of wonky. I had some protein and that helped for a little bit. Gonna be an early night tonight.

not good

I don't really know what's going on. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral. I'm sitting here fighting tears when nothing is really going on that should make me want to cry.

Physically I'm feeling about 70%. I've got a headache and my back hurts a bit. I've got a stomach ache because I haven't eaten much. None of it is zomg pain or agony.

Since yesterday I've just felt very off and near tears. It's not pms. It's not been quite two weeks since the last so the next is a few weeks off.

Part of it is probably the time change and the damn rainy windy weather. I haven't been sleeping for shit. And oh how the rain has been making my joints hurt. Joints aren't too bad today.

I have tons of shit I should be doing right now. All I'm interested in is reading or sleeping though. I suppose I should eat something and see if that helps.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


Oh holy shit I'm tired. Daylight Savings Time is kicking my ass.

I understand the concept behind DST. I get what they were trying to do when they set it up and why they expanded it. I get it. I just don't think they took into account the human factor. It totally fucks some people up for weeks. I already get up at 3:30 am to begin with. To get up yet another hour early fucking sucks ass.


I do have shit I want to talk about. Politics and religion and why the two shouldn't mix is high on the list. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm very liberal and very not religious. I've got a rav friend on FB that makes me almost look conservative with how liberal she is. She has a friend that is so far to the left that I think she lives in Trump's ass. The woman drives me fucking nuts. I have thoughts to share about this so I don't crawl through my screen and strangle her.

Anyways, the kid and I are about 95% healthy right now. It took me like 3 weeks to get over a nasty cold and then I went and got a sinus infection. That took almost a week to get rid of. Lost of pain and goo. Nick spent about 2 weeks fighting off the same cold. He was healthy for about a week and then last night he was puking. He was fine and dandy and able to go to school today. No freaking clue what that was about.

Dude had an awesome report card this trimester. Nothing less than a B+. His school district started using a trimester system instead of two semesters with two quarters each. Before the classes would only meet every other day for a large block of time. Now classes meet every day for a bit shorter amount of time. They are hoping that it will allow the kids to take more varied classes and they will retain the information easier. I don't know about all that but well I like the school so we are stuck with it. I'm just glad he is finally taking Spanish. The school counselor was convinced he couldn't handle it last year. He got an A this year.

Ehhhh I have more to blather on about but my hand are really sore right now. There are big thunderstorms moving through the area tonight. It's supposed to rain all week. My joints are not liking it. And yet the doctors insist I don't have arthritis at all. Uh huh.I don't really want to take anything for it if I don't have to so I'm just going to call it a night. I'll be back when my hands are cooperating more.

Monday, March 07, 2016

Well shit

I'm finally over the cold I've had for nearly a month. Now, I have a sinus infection. It hurts a lot. I am not happy. Nothing I've taken has helped much. I have a nasty combo of stuff in my system right now which has edged the pain off. But zomg I'm sleepy now. I could use the sleep so I'm ok with that. I just wish this damn sinus infection would go away already. I'm sick of being sick and in pain. I can't take much more of it.

Thursday, March 03, 2016


Depression sucks and when you add pms on top of it, it's just a million times worse. Everything is just a big mess of fucked up. Today was actually a goodish day at work. I got to play supervisor even if it was for a sucky reason. My pain meds even actually worked today. I was in a lot of pain for the first couple hours but the pain meds took effect pretty quick and I was pain free for the rest of the day. This isn't the norm for me so it was a pleasant surprise.

I think one of my coworkers might be loosing it a little bit. He is in his late 50s but his grasp on what is ok to say to someone is failing him. I actually kicked him in the shin for one of his comments today. I know he was only kidding but in the moment I was just totally shocked. I even told him later why what he said was not a good thing but I still don't think he really got it. He is old school and not super sensitive to other people's feelings.  A really nice chat with one of the really old guys on 2nd shift made up for it. This guy has to be pushing 80 and tends to ramble if you get him started. It was cool listening to his stories of being in the army and stationed near Chicago.

Nothing out of the ordinary is going on at home. Nick was a bit worried that I took so long to get home tonight. That was more to do with the envelope from LootCrate though. I switched from monthly payments to paying every three months because they were giving out Deadpool cufflinks as a perk for upgrading. I'm a sucker for Deadpool.

I'm just really disappointed in someone I've known for years. We aren't close but I thought they at least kind of liked me. I made a friendly gesture a few days ago and it's been total radio silence. And it's not because they haven't been around. I'm just not worth the effort of a response I guess. This is the sort of thing that is the reason I keep most people at arms length. I tend to see too much where there isn't any real substance. And when I"m confronted with the fact that I was kidding myself all along it kind of stings.

Someday I will learn. Some day it won't hurt so much.

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Mini Rant

I hate giving up on people. I know I put up with way too much shit from people because I'm always way too desperate to make everyone happy. But every once in awhile I just have to give up on someone. And it kills me.

Most of the time I post stalk them for awhile. Depending on who they are and why I walked away, it could be just me wondering if they miss me at all. Sometimes it's just to see if they are still acting the fool and proving I was right to walk away.

Shit, I walked away from a painful situation for about a year. Only one person noticed. I'm talking about totally cutting myself off from almost everyone I know. And only one person cared and it took months before they said anything. And then no one noticed when I came back. Talk about painful. I really had to rethink the whole concept of relying on anyone. I'm trying very hard lately not to rely on anyone for any kind of emotional support. I very rarely get back what I expect from anyone.

Oh and on the walking away front. I've been no contact with my dad since the beginning of June 2015. Talk about peaceful. I'm very low contact with my mom. Most contact is done through FB messenger. Nick very rarely sees either of them. He never asks to see them and I'm not going to push him.

On FB, at least, I'm finding it easier and easier to get rid of people that don't make me happy. I started out just unfollowing people but now I just unfriend people that irritate me. On other sites it's harder. I find it very hard to unfollow someone on Tumblr. I had to get rid of someone toxic the other day though. I feel guilty about it a little because I know he is depressed and he has issues. But damn he could be very annoying and down right rude to anyone he didn't agree with. I tried to ignore the whole thing because none of it had anything to do with me. I can't tell him or anyone else in that situation how to feel about it or how to deal with it. But the rude bickering about who was more right and who got to decide anything was just so fucking annoying. But now that he isn't in my feed it feels weird.

I unfollowed a whole bunch of people on twitter recently. I stopped watching Y&R a couple years ago. They fired my favorite actors and added a whole bunch of new people and I just lost interest. So most of the Y&R folks I followed went bye bye. Most of the people I followed from Game of Thrones got cut too. I've only seen the first two seasons and I'm not likely to ever get HBO so there is no real reason to follow any of them.  I'm mostly down to music people and people connected to Supernatural. I still follow way too many damn people on there.

Yeah, anyway, I'm just kinda grumpy right now. I reached out to someone about something and totally got ignored on it. It got me thinking about the whole walking away from people that don't make me happy. Lord knows I've seen enough people walk away from me lately.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

A short one

As y'all might remember, my health has always been iffy. I have lots of stomach issues. IBS is the biggest one. Lately I've been having serious issues with heartburn. I just started on Nexium to see if that helps. I think the heartburn is mostly my body not liking the Halls that I've been sucking down because of this stupid cold I've had for nearly a month now.

This cold just won't go away. I'll have days that aren't too bad. Maybe just a slight general achiness. Other days I can barely breath because of the snotfest going on in my head. I've had a couple days lately where catching my breath is not an easy thing. Thus the eating of the Halls to keep my head clear. And this leads to the heartburn.

For the second time in as many weeks I've missed a day of work because I spent my morning throwing up because of sinus drainage and heartburn. The Nexium says to take it in the morning before eating but I don't eat until I'm at work and it's well after I'm feeling like shit. So I'm going to take it at night before I eat dinner. Since it's supposed to work for 24 hrs this should leave me ok in the morning so I'm not missing more work.

I should have looked at other types of throat lozenges when I was at the store but the Halls does a really good job of opening my sinuses up. I've just been munching on Tums like crazy to keep down the acid. No amount of water is helping at all. There are days I'm filling my water bottle 3 times. This is coming from someone that barely drinks anything from their water bottle during the winter. I have to have my water cold and I can't drink cold water if I'm chilly. During the summer I drink tons of water at work. I bought a second water bottle to make sure I stay hydrated this summer.

I'm really, really hoping this damn cold will wear itself out soon. I've only had a few days where the symptoms were really bad. Mostly just an itchy throat and icky sinuses. I've not even really run a fever at all. I only had one day of an actual sore throat. I'm just kind of tired a lot and feel kind of weak. Every once in awhile I'll just kind of drop from being not too bad to being totally exhausted and weak and just wanting to curl into a ball and sleep. If I'm lucky to be at home I just lay down for a bit. At work I just take an extended bathroom break because the fatigue usually doesn't last too terribly long.

I'm sure what is keeping me sick is that the weather in Iowa is just being nuts lately. One day it's in the 50s and the next we have snow again. I need the cold and wet shit to go away like yesterday.

Ok, I'm done whining. It's just about time to grab a shower and get to bed. Well I'll do all that as soon as my brat of a child is done with his shower that he should have taken half an hour ago. lol