Tuesday, October 04, 2016

weird dreams

I know I've mentioned on here that I tend to have very vivid and weird dreams. I always have. Sometimes they can be so real that it takes me quite a while to realize I'm dreaming.

I want to talk a bit about one of those types of dreams. I call them "false waking" dreams. I tend to have them a lot. Basically in the dream I'm convinced that I'm waking up. It might take a few minutes to realize that something is off so I must still be sleeping. Almost always it's followed by yet another false waking dream.

Most of the time these dreams have something to do with someone being in my house that shouldn't be. Normally it's one, or both, of my parents. My dad isn't allowed in my house and my mother knows not to just barge in. She always calls before she comes over to give me fair warning.

A lot of times the way I'm alerted to the dream not being real by the fact that the layout of my house is off somehow. Sometimes I've combined two different houses that I've lived in. Sometimes it's just that all my stuff is either moved about or boxed up. Sometimes what clues me in is that there is some sort of weird catastrophic damage to the house.

One early clue that I try to catch is that I have a lot of difficulty getting up out of bed or just moving my blankets. It's very close to one of the paralyzed dreams that I have. It's like it's taking some sort of almost superhuman strength to move. Now I do suffer from severe fatigue much of the time. It can be kind of hard to move in the mornings and I can also be kind of confused when I first wake up. So sometimes this clue slips by because it's not too far out of reality. It's just kind of multiplied.

Well, I had a series of these dreams this morning. One I figured out pretty quickly but the other went on almost twice as long before I realized it wasn't real.

The first one was pretty short. Everything was very dark which right off the bat was wrong for what time I knew it to be. I didn't hear my phone ring but for some reason I could hear someone leaving a message on my cell phone. Yeah big red flag there. Plus the message was an almost copy of a message I got a few months ago on my house phone. Dude had the wrong number to begin with so there isn't much chance he was going to get my cell number too. So I do the big struggle to get out of bed and get my phone. By the time I'm able to get out of bed the message is over so I decide to get on the computer and check messages. Only my computer is on the floor and I suddenly have plush carpet instead of the almost industrial crap I have. Now, most people say they can't read in dreams. I don't know if they mean that the words are all misspelled or if they are just jumbled. For me, everything is just jumbled. I could read the individual words on the screen but they didn't make sense. Well, anyway, in the dream I'm laying on the floor, still having difficulty moving, and trying to read my screen which was rolling and flickering. This is nothing like how my computer really is. That was pretty much the clincher for me as to this having to be a dream.

And thus ended the first dream. I remember kind of rolling over and hearing the tv on in the living room so I knew it was still before 7 when my alarm was to go off. I drifted off again and almost immediately had another false waking dream.

This time I struggled up out of bed because I wanted to talk to my son before he left for school. I could hear my son in the living room and I went out to speak to him. Only when I went into the living room, most of the furniture was kind of moved about and there were puzzle pieces all over the floor. What made the puzzle pieces weird was that they were all a flat blue/gray. Kind of like the backs of some nicer puzzles I've done. But both sides of the pieces were blank and they were scattered in small piles that made no sense. At this point I realized my son had moved into the kitchen/hallway area so I followed. But as I moved out of the living room area it was immediately clear the kitchen was totally void of anything but bits of broken drywall. My son and a shirtless man I had never seen were taking garbage cans full of this debri outside where it was still very dark. Now right away this should have said to me "nope it's a dream" because the room was huge to begin with. Then all the cabinets and appliances were gone. All this debri on the floor was from a hole in the roof and the guy kept poking at the one wall where the drywall was just falling to pieces. All this debri was also the color of the puzzle pieces. I kept begging him to stop messing with the wall and I would call maintenance to come fix everything. It took another couple minutes of them moving stuff for me to realize I was actually dreaming.

This was actually enough to really wake me up. Whereupon I realized the light and tv were off in the living room. That meant that the kid had already left for school but my alarm hadn't gone off. Not real great when I was getting up early for a doctor's appointment. The butt had gone outside early for some reason and about two minutes later my phone went off. So here I am struggling to wake up and feeling weak and the kid comes back in and says he is not feeling well. I was totally out of it and told him I didn't care and to get his butt on the bus. lol He was fine btw. It was another half hour before I was really feeling awake and with it.

Usually the catalyst for these types of dreams is my being able to hear the tv when I'm only half asleep. I sometimes nap with my tv on when I don't want to end p taking a really long nap. I just tend to get annoyed with being woke up by the tv and just get out of bed. Since I've been off work, Nick wakes me up in the morning by turning the tv on but I try to go back to sleep because the weirdo keeps waking up at 5:30 and that is too damn early to get up when you have no plans.

I'm just really grateful that these dreams usually aren't scary. It's the ones where I'm dreaming that I'm waking up but I'm paralyzed that get scary. I know I've talked about those before and I'm just too damned tired to go find the post right now.

I'm sure no one made it past the second paragraph. It's not that interesting of a subject. I really just wanted to get it written down somewhere.

And now I really should go to bed and hope I don't have any weird ass dreams in the morning.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Soo much shit has been going on the last couple weeks that I keep forgetting to update.

So the neurology appointment was a total bust. It wasn't for my headaches. It was to have an ENG done on my arms to check for carpal tunnel. Do not get this test done unless you are pretty damn sure you actually have carpal tunnel cause, holy shit, it hurts. Basically they give you electrical shocks on your arms, wrists, and hands.It really fucking hurts. And then they stick long needles into your muscles to "listen" to them. Ended up nearly screaming when she was testing my right hand and moved it without telling me. In the end, I do not have carpal tunnel.

The gyn appointment was much more productive. The doc did a pelvic exam and insisted I come back a week later for an ultrasound because my uterus was very large. So I ended up making an appointment for the same day as the hematology appointment. The ultrasound took forever and was not entirely pleasant. Turns out there were some rather large fibroids in there. Doc says it's time to remove the works. She couldn't promise that if she had removed just the fibroids that I wouldn't need an emergency hysterectomy anyway. And that would lead to a big ass scar that wasn't necessary.

So the doc says to hang out for a bit because scheduling might be able to get me in the next week. She comes back and does my pre admission tests and gives me some cds with the robotic surgery videos on them. Check from scheduling comes in and tells me the surgery would be the next thursday. headdesk So from the date of the first visit to surgery was only two weeks.

I go see the friendly vampire in hematology that afternoon and he is shocked as shit I'm up and walking around. By this time my hemoglobin levels are only at about 6.6. He insists that I need a transfusion asap. He swears it will only take 4 hours. I'm thinking I'll be home a little after Nick goes to bed and I'll be able to get enough sleep seeing as I need to work Friday. I agree to the transfusion and head to the hospital and get checked in. It's then that I find out transfusions take about 4 hours per unit of blood and he has ordered two. sigh So I didn't get home until 12:30am. The kid didn't wake up when I got home so I let him sleep. Grabbed a shower and got a whopping 2 hours of sleep. When I called Nick up the next morning, he was freaking out because he didn't think I had come home. Talk about ripping my heart out.

So that Friday I got signed up for FMLA and temporary disability. I was very grateful to learn that my company offers the TD for long absences due to health stuff. I had no clue what I was going to do for money after my vacation time ran out. HR and my big boss were super supportive about the whole deal. My immediate boss was a dick about it. Big surprise there.

Saturday I ended up in the acute care office because my right thigh was swollen and sore. I was freaking out thinking my surgery would be delayed. They did an ultrasound on my leg and diagnosed me with phlebitis. It was all superficial and there were no blood clots shown on the scans. I had to see my GP on Monday for a follow up and he said there should be zero issues with going ahead.

I worked Monday and Tuesday except for when I had to go see my GP. I took off Wednesday because I wasn't allowed to eat any solid food. Seeing as I was already dizzy and weak, the idea of trying to work while not getting to actually eat wasn't a good idea. Mom took me up the the hospital on Thursday and got me checked in. Surgery went smooth and I didn't even need extra blood thanks to the transfusion. My hemoglobin was actually up to 7.7 after surgery. My highest number in this whole ordeal.

Waking up in recovery was the worst part of it. My tongue was covered in mucus and I couldn't stop from coughing. That fucking hurt. So here I am all drugged out and whining to the nurse that I need a drink because I have mucus and it hurts to gag on it. But I'm saying all of this with a horrible lisp. I just remember saying "mucuth" several times. She ended up giving me a wash cloth to wipe my tongue with. I don't actually remember being moved up to my room. The first day was just a blur of pain and sleep. Getting up to walk sucked ass. And they had me on an all liquid diet. I don't want another bowl of soup for a very long time. Friday one of the nurses took pity on me and brought me a lunch from someone that had left early and I got a hamburger and a baked potato. I got to come home late Friday.

I had all these plans for the kid to take care of me while I was dealing with all the pain from surgery. Only the brat was fighting a bad cold. I ended up taking care of him and he stayed home on Monday. Honestly, by Sunday I was having zero trouble getting around. As long as I take the ibuprofen regularly I'm fine. I get a bit of pain from gas and I'm a little wobbly but nothing like I had feared. Oh and the stupid phlebitis seems to have cleared up. I had pressure cuffs on my legs for most of the time I was in the hospital and I think that constant movement cleared up the swelling. Before surgery I was limping because my leg hurt so much. Now I can't even see the damn varicose vein that the phlebitis was centered around. I would really love to have a pair of those pressure cuffs for when I go back to work. It's like a constant massage on my calfs.

Now my biggest fear is going stir crazy. I'm not allowed to drive until I see the doctor again which is on the 4th. So I'm stuck at home. I'm not sleeping as much as I had anticipated. I actually walked the half block to the gas station Monday because I was so damn bored. Here the damn hermit is going nuts after only a couple days into a 6 week recovery. I'm already slowly starting to clean the house which I didn't think I would be up to until next week.

So, yeah, lots of crap going on lately. I've still got a bunch of doctor's appointments in the next month. I'm going to see if I can't cancel the appointment with the hand doctor in November since the ENG says no carpal tunnel. I've got an appointment in early December to see about my headaches. Wish it could have been sooner but they are busy.

And now I just need to force myself to get enough rest and to not push too hard in cleaning. I'm going to dig out a couple knitting projects and see if I can't find the patterns and get back to knitting a bit. My hands haven't been hurting too much lately.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

Having a rough night

Nothing in particular is wrong. Just the normal headaches I always have. It's making me hold my head stiffly which is making my neck and throat hurt a bit.

But I just cried while watching a click from Bedknobs and Broomsticks. The two locomotion scenes. I really like that song. And I'm watching Harry Potter. The scene where McGonagall wakes up the school and tells it to protect itself and the students always reminds me of the battle scene from BaB.

I've gotten jack shit done this weekend as per usual. I just feel icky. Head hurts. Body hurts. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I can't wait for this to no longer be an everyday thing.

So, I've been passed off to the hematology department for testing. While my iron levels are steady, they are not improving. Thus the feeling icky and tired still. My body doesn't seem to want to absorb the extra iron I've been taking. I'm still hovering around 6 points instead of climbing back up to 12.

This week will be busy at the doctor's office. I see neurology on Wednesday. I'm hoping they will finally give me something to help with these damn headaches. If they try to say my head hurts from being depressed and not the other way around, I may scream though. If you had a headache nearly 24/7 and had near constant body aches, you would be fucking depressed too. Ease my pain and I might be just a tad bit more chipper.

I see gynecology on Friday. At the very least I want back on the depo shot. That stopped my period completely the last time I was on it. Stop the drain on my hemoglobin levels and I bet I'll start feeling better. I have very heavy periods with lots of cramping during the first few days. The doctor had mentioned an ablation which I'm cool with if the shot doesn't work. I would rather avoid a hysterectomy if possible. I've not had real surgery before and the idea of complications sort of freaks me out.

And I'm still seeing my PCP in October and I'll be seen for testing for carpal tunnel in November. Too many doctor's visits. Too much poking and prodding.

I just want to feel ok again.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

grrrr arggg

I am so exhausted.

I'm not talking about tired.

I'm talking about my limbs are so fucking weak with it. Especially my arms.

I can barely breath with this. I'm not out of breath from doing anything. I just feel like I can't get any air. The effort of breathing is somehow too much.

My head isn't buzzy. It's like something is trying to drag my brain out of the bottom of my skull. It's like the effort of thinking is sucking my brain our of me.

And yet..

I've been off work all except like 4 hours on Monday. I've left the house a grand total of two times since Monday. Ok, I take that back. I drove to the gas station up a half block away twice. I didn't have cash for Nick to go for me and I still haven't gotten him his own ATM card.

I've been out of the house a total of maybe 3 hours.

90% of the time I've either been sitting in my chair reading online or in bed sleeping.

The only thing I've done as far as housework was defrosting the fridge. This only entailed having Nick bring in the coolers. One day I went and got ice and emptied the savable food from the fridge section after getting ice from the gas station. The next day I emptied the freezer. This was after making sure I had like 8 or 9 frozen water bottles instead of buying ice. Less of a mess that way.

And then today I went and got groceries for the week. I put them away and emptied the coolers now that I'm sure the fridge is staying cold.

We get ice in the back of the freezer and none of the cold air will go into the fridge. It's not a self defrosting freezer. This means I usually end up losing a bunch of cheese and breads when I don't realize the fridge isn't keeping things cold.

So really, there is no reason for the exhaustion. I've been a lazy ass for a week. I'm taking my meds. I'm trying to not eat quite so much junk. Hard to do with the fridge being on the blink but still.

But I still feel like warmed over shit. The headaches are just as bad. I will say my legs haven't hurt as much lately. But then again I've been sitting mostly. My arms and hands still hurt like mad. Right now from my elbows to my shoulders just aches so bad.

The only obvious change from taking the meds is the damn green poop. I haven't had much trouble from the IBS in the last couple months thanks to extra fiber. But now, thanks to the damn iron pills, I've actually been slightly constipated.

I wouldn't mind if it meant I felt better. But I don't.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

It's confirmed

I'm not crazy.

Well ok maybe but the whole being tired all the time. It's not all in my head.

I've been to the doctor so many times in the last couple weeks it's scary. Actually they did have me pretty scared there for a minute. Went in and had bloodwork done and within an hour I had a nurse calling me up and asking if I was feeling ok. Insisted that I come in and see the on-call doctor that afternoon. The only thing she told me was that my hemoglobin was really low. Yeah, don't search for that on webmd. Just don't.

So, normal hemoglobin level is about 12. People normally start feeling ill when it drops to 8. I've had three tests in the last week. My numbers were 6.5, 5.9, and 6.1. My doctor was on vacation when he got the first numbers and was shocked. Said it was a testament to how tough I am that I'm still functioning mostly normally. If you hemoglobin level were to fall to my levels quickly, you would be on the way to the ER.

I'm loading up on replacements and getting my levels rechecked.I'm on a high dose of iron twice a day. I'm taking B-12 every day. My levels were kinda low on B but not scary low. I'm also on a massive dose of vitamin D once a week. I've got the levels of an 80 yr old apparently. Ooops!

All my other bloodwork was fine. No arthritis. Doc says low iron levels and low vitamin D levels can cause joint pain. This means they have been low for a very long time.I hadn't had my bloodwork done in at least 5 years.

It's fucking scary that low iron can cause so many troubles. Even though I've been taking the pills for a couple weeks, I was also hit by a heavy period. So I have taken a week off of work to rest. I got super dizzy on Monday and really didn't want to pass out at work. They have to call an ambulance and even though we are a block from the hospital it would still be a huge bill that I don't need. I explained to my boss what was going on and she went through some of the same stuff about 10 years ago. Good to have a boss that won't give me shit about taking off.

So yeah, still tired as all hell. Still having bad headaches. My joints still fucking hurt.

But it's not in my head. And I'm taking my meds and trying to drink lots of water. I'm hoping a week of resting will help.

And I have appointments with specialists coming up. Second week of Sept. I'm seeing a neurologist about the headaches. And I've got an appointment with a gyn to see about telling aunt flo to fuck off. I'm keeping my options open. I've been on Depo before and had it stop completely. Beyond that there is ablation or a possible hysterectomy. Surgery will be a last resort. And in November I'm getting tested for carpal tunnel. That might explain some of the hand/arm pain.

Did I mention I'm being treated for tendonitis in my left wrist/ thumb? Hurt myself at work about 3 weeks ago and am on light duty for another two weeks yet. I'm in physical therapy and everything. I'm hoping this week at home will help out the hand too. I had been trying to do small stuff at work but the whole nearly passing out kind of killed that.

Anyways, I may be falling apart, but I'm falling forward at least. Hopefully by the new year I'll be on the mend and feeling a bit more human.

Saturday, August 06, 2016


As much as I said I wasn't expecting a miracle, I had hoped for something good to happen.

Everything is still hurting. My arms and feet are just aching to beat the band. My head is grumpy as fuck.

The meds the doc gave me to help with the headaches is also an antidepressant. I know I can use one of those in my life. But right now I'm a weepy grumpy mess. Every little thing is making me emotional. The pain I'm in is making me emotional.

I just want to feel ok again.

And no one seems to give two shits just how broken I am.

My mother keeps calling but it feels more like she just hates not knowing what is going on. She always ends up complaining about how much her life sucks. And she always calls when I'm eating. So I end up feeling ill and my head hurts worse.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Good news? Bad news? I dunno

I've been to the doctor both yesterday and today. It's a bit mind numbing.

My PCP was good. He actually listened to me. Other than to say it had been a long time, he didn't yell at me. I'm getting lab work done next week. I go back in a month right after seeing a neurologist for some tests. He gave me a med to try. I'm hoping it helps with the headaches. I'm not expecting miracles or anything. I did wake up with a massive headache this morning so I'm hoping it isn't going to cause the opposite reaction in me like some meds. He is also having me tested for carpal tunnel later this year. In the meantime I'm to wear braces on both wrists when I'm in bed.

I went back to have my left hand checked today. I did not get good news. I'm to be on light duty for another two weeks and do physical therapy. HR is dragging their feet on determining where the physical therapy will happen. I gave her the news at 10am and I still have no clue what is going on. I'm to keep wearing the brace they gave me for the next two weeks too. That thing is hot on my hand and is stinky now because of it. I'll keep it on as much as I can though. When the doc manipulated my thumb today I wanted to curl up in a little ball because it hurt so bad. I had honestly thought I was going to be released back to regular duty today.

And once again, even though I mostly sat at the computer all day at work, I'm in enough pain to nearly cry. My legs and arms hurt really bad. I need to take a shower and take some pain meds but holy crap I don't have the energy to get up and move. My head is really starting to hurt again.

Oh and I tried a caramel frappuccino today. Still don't like coffee one bit. I suppose if it were really, really, really cold I could stomach it. But not for $2.50 a bottle. I can get a bottle of DOC360 for $1 (which I actually like) or a bottle of MT Dew for $1.25 (which I hate but can drink if really cold if I do it fast). I'm just trying to find something with a bunch of caffeine that isn't too horribly sugary that I can drink in the morning. I'm wondering if it might help the headaches and help me wake up. I can't do sugary in the morning or I get icky feeling and I get heartburn.

I totally missed getting Nick registered for school thanks to all the crap that has been going on lately. With having to fill in for my boss, my hand hurting and the headaches I just totally read the paperwork wrong. They are ok with us coming in next Friday to get his schedule and locker assignment. They move the kids every year to keep the same grades in the same hallway of lockers. I think I preferred my high school where you kept the same locker the entire time you went there. All the lockers were in one great big area under the classrooms. I never felt intimidated by the older students with lockers near me.

I'm planning on trying to sleep in tomorrow but we need to do the shopping tomorrow. We have a tax free weekend every year right before school starts. It's for kids clothes, shoes and school supplies. I know it's not saving a huge amount of money but every little bit helps. Breaking up my weekend is just going to mess with me. I really do not want to do a schedule change like I had to do this week again.

Oh well, I'm going to try and take my shower now and hit the sack early. If I'm asleep I can't feel how much my legs hurt.