Monday, July 18, 2016

sigh

There are days when I wish I were the sort to do illegal drugs.

Sometimes the pain just really gets to me. At the moment my hands and feet really just ache so bad. I wish there was a pain pill strong enough to make it go away. I have such a high resistance to pain meds that most don't do shit for me.

And then there are days when the emotional shitstorm that is my life gets to be too much. Sure I could drink but that just makes me more depressed and blue. I don't get hangovers but I'm just not a happy drunk. It doesn't help me sleep or help me forget. I just get quiet and depressed and most of the time I end up crying. I don't drink nearly as often as I should.

I usually hoard my prescription pain meds. I never need all the pills that they give me for an injury. I save them for days when my back or hands get too painful. Alas, I'm totally out.

I am at the point where all I have left is over the counter crap. I quite literally take doses that are high enough to make doctors I know blanch. I generally try to only take OTC pain meds when I'm at work. If they can help me get through my shift, I'll take them. But I take way too many of them. And they barely even touch the pain. I bought some Advil Migraine to help with the headaches at work. You are only supposed to take 400mg of the acetaminophen per 24 hours. That made me laugh. That does did last me for a couple hours and did actually help the pain. I ended up taking another dose later though. And if I'm taking it in regular pill form I normally take 3 times that.

At home I will take old prescription pain meds. Or I might take one shot of something containing booze. I don't take the OTC stuff because I know the doses I take aren't good for you. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are in pain and nothing works?

I don't want to be seen as a drug seeker when I go see a doctor. I have to admit that I was a bit miffed that the ER doc didn't give me anything for at home when I went the other day. All they really gave me was benadryl and and anti nausea med via IV. Explains why I still had a pretty good headache when I left the ER. I was still at at least a 6 but if they weren't going to do anything else to help I would rather be in my own bed than laying on a gurney bored out of my mind.

sigh

I think I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say. My brain wanders when I'm in this much pain. Hands and feet are killing me and I'm getting a worse headache than normal. Once the sun goes down, my fat ass is hitting the sheets.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Defeated

So much of the time that is how I feel.

I can be happy for short stretches. And I try to spread that happy. Only, it never really feels like anyone notices.

So often I try and make people laugh or smile and I get nothing back at all. Very often I don't get any acknowledgement that I even spoke.

I'm not talking about this blog. I know no one is ever going to comment on here even though there are people that read it.

I'm on tons of other platforms though. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Ravelry. I might as well be pissing in the wind 95% of the time.

The most reaction I get is when I comment on political posts on FB. I've been known to go back and forth for hours with someone on there. No, I'm not going to change their minds, but it's sure fun making them look like jackasses for a bit.

I dunno what the hell I really expect. No, I know what I expect. I expect nothing. I hope for some sort of sign that someone is listening. A click here or there would be nice.

Mostly I get what I expected though.

Friday, July 15, 2016

One hell of a week

So, my health decided to take a shit this week.

Monday i went to work as usual. Only to have my stomach go all butterfly on me. My stomach just would not settle. I couldn't tell if I was going to puke or shit myself. After about two hours I couldn't take it anymore and went home after putting in for Tuesday off.

I spent most of Monday fighting the urge to puke. Everything I ate just wanted to come up. I didn't thankfully. Last Saturday was when the puking was going on. That prompted the whole rant about hamburger the other day. Tuesday wasn't too bad. I was just a bit tired.

Woke up Wednesday feeling fine. For the first 45 mins at work, I was fine. I drove the forklift around and started getting my machine ready to actually run something for once. Only when I got back to my machine after putting the forklift back, I could see the beginning smug of an ocular migraine starting. I took some acetaminophen right away to try and cut it off. No such luck. Within a half hour I couldn't really see.

This was just the beginning of the problem. I kept trying to push through the blur and get my order running. Only my head started to pound really bad. So I took some ibuprofen. Yes, I know I took them too close together but my damn head hurt. I was feeling kind of light headed and wondered if maybe I was hungry so I went off to grab a sandwich.

By the time I got to the break room, I was feeling dizzy. I put that down to being hungry maybe and grabbed a sandwich. I couldn't taste a damn thing. And because it was too hot my right hand was spasming. I've got nerve damage that makes my hand sensitive to heat. Instead of just jerking away from heat like normal people, my hand jerks and spasms as it pulls back. It was really overreacting to the hot sandwich. Plus, I noticed that when I tried to talk to a coworker in the breakroom that I was having trouble concentrating. Everything was sort of sounding hollow.

On the way back to my machine, another coworker called me over to ask a question. That's when things really started to get weird. I was really starting to get dizzy and I was really having trouble finding the words I wanted to use. My coworker really started to get freaked out. She kept asking me to go to the doctor. I kind of brushed her off and said I would think about it. I was still trying to blame it on being lightheaded from the headache.

When I got back to my machine, I just couldn't ignore just how wonky I was feeling. I kept losing my balance and my head was just pounding. So, I grabbed my paperwork and went over to the computer. I put in to have Thursday off in the system. I still kept trying to convince myself that I was ok and was being a baby and I should go back to work.

It took me a few minutes to finally call up my mom. I just really did not feel safe driving. Well, when I got mom on the phone I confused the hell out of her. I wasn't making any sense at all. I knew what I was trying to say to her but I couldn't get the right words to come out. Yeah, she freaked a bit. She figured out what I meant and said that my dad would bring her over and we would take my car to the doctor.

By the time I hung up with my mom, my one coworker came over to check on me. I was crying by this time and saying I just didn't know what was going on. I told her my mom was coming to get me and she ran off to get my boss. Who knows what the hell he was thinking when he came over to find me crying and incoherent. It's not the first time I've broken down crying in front of him because of my health but it's been a few years. He said it was ok and he would take care of my paperwork. I had been trying to fill it out but I think I messed it up pretty good.

By the time I got my stuff together and made it outside with another coworker to walk with me, my folks had shown up. They drove me over to my car (it's a pretty decent walk to the parking lot) and I had to try and tell my mom how to make my car work. It's keyless entry and you don't actually need to use the key in the ignition. Plus the seats move on their own and stuff.

She wanted to take me to the ER, but I convinced her to take me to the acute care clinic. I didn't want to have to pay for an ER visit if they could just give me something at the clinic for a $25 copay. kwim? Signing in ws not a lot of fun because I was still confused and having trouble talking. When I finally got into a room and tried telling the nurse what was going on, it wasn't much better. I still couldn't find my words and had to keep trying to substitute so I could get the ideas across. Once the PA came in, I knew where things were heading. She talked to me for less than two minutes and shook my hand and sent me off to the ER. Yeah me!!

Still wasn't making much sense when I got to the ER. My speech wasn't really slurred but it was halting and disjointed. They decided to give me some drugs and send me for an MRI. Well, the nurse had trouble putting in the IV. The veins in my hands are a bit scarred up from various hospital visits over the years. So they skipped the drugs and sent me off to the MRI machine.

To give an idea of how out of it I was, I wasn't even freaking out about the MRI at this point. It wasn't until they had me on the machine bed and were strapping my head down that I realized they were going to stick me in an MRI machine. I'm fairly claustrophobic. Having a towel over my eyes and having my head in traction was enough to start making me nervous. When they first put me in the machine I thought I would be fine. I thought it was one of the bigger ones. Finally they pushed me in the rest of the way and the machine started to push on my arms and I really started freaking. I wanted to start yelling, "Can this be over now? Please take me out of here!" I knew it was only going to take about 5 minutes but that was about 5 minutes too long. I managed to stay still somehow and they sent me back to the ER.

The nurse finally got the IV line going and pumped me up with some benadryl and some pain killers. The worst was being left alone in the room with the lights off and no noise. Makes me crazy. After about a half hour the nurse came back and said the MRI was clear and that I was free to go home when I was ready. I was down to about a 5 after being up at an 8 at the worst, so I elected to go home right away.

They said it was just a bad migraine. Pretty much what I had been saying. I ended up sleeping most of the rest of the day. Nick was super great asking how I was and getting me stuff. Yesterday was pretty much more sleeping and resting.

I'm still a bit weirded out by the whole thing. I have to go grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm making Nick go with me. I'm not really worried that anything will happen, but I'll feel better if he is there with me. He needs a haircut anyway. Dude is getting shaggy as hell again.

Part of me is thinking about getting back in touch with the neurology department. I'm sure they have pain meds that would help me more than OTC stuff can. I just don't want to end up on 15 pills a day again. I haven't decided what to do yet.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Mental Health?

 Not really what i mean but it's as close as I can get without going all google search mad. I do that and I won't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I'm realizing more and more that I am even more non neurotypical. I've known for years that my brain doesn't really work like other people's do. And yes, I've been tested.

I've suffered nasty headaches for as long as I can remember. They are nearly constant. I don't really know what it's like to not have a headache. Over the years different doctors have had me on different medications. One did actually do tests. He flat out said my braid was unusual. I have way more electrical activity going on that is supposed to be. He put me on epilepsy meds that did help for awhile.

There have been points in my life where I was on a shit load of medications. Pain meds. Meds to block the extra shit going on in my head. Antidepressants. Meds for spastic muscles. At one point I was on like 10 different medications at once. I don't take anything anymore. I went off them when I lost my insurance and I've been afraid to go back on them.

I had one doctor that was convinced that all my physical ailments were in my head. He sent me to a psychologist that only wanted to explore my memory problems. She didn't care that they were actually from a physical injury. She didn't want to talk about any of the psychological trauma I have experienced. No amount of telling her that the memory trouble started after a traumatic brain injury would shut her up. Her partner is the one that decided to put me on anti depression meds. Pills alone weren't going to solve shit.

Anyway, back to the point of what I was trying to write. I've talked often about my son being mildly autistic and having ADHD. At least one of my brothers has ADHD as well. Frankly I think that if doctors actually diagnosed girls with ADHD when I was a kid I would have been diagnosed too. With me there is no middle ground. I'm either completely focused on one thing to the point that I have no clue what is going on around me or my brain is flittering between a billion things.

I have always said that I need the tv on all the time to cover the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus is so much fun! Don't smack your head on shit people. It messed shit up inside. In reality, I need the background noise to give me something to kind of keep my brain from wandering. If the back of my brain is paying attention to the tv while I'm doing something else I tend to wander off topic less.

I'm fascinated by people that can have one single browser window open. They can concentrate on one subject at a time and then move on. I currently have 6 windows open with a total of 9 tabs. Part of it is habit from when I was on dial-up. I would keep a solitaire game open or a story to read so that I had something to do while other windows were loading. One page would be loading while I read something else and then when I noticed that one was done I would switch. I've got cable now and while it's not the fastest connection I really don't need that many windows open for loading purposes.

I'm sure I've mentioned my son's eating issues on here. I've been noticing my own lately. I've always said that he finds most normal food to be almost horrifying. That he just can't understand why the hell people would eat some of the things that we do. I never realized that I feel the same way about a lot of fairly normal foods. I was just looking at the weekly meal plan put out by a food blogger. All of it was fairly normal and popular food. And I just kept going, "eww, ewww, ewwwww!" Until I got to the end with the deserts there wasn't a damn thing on her menu that I would eat.

There are certain forms of vegetables that I just can't bring myself to eat. I have serious texture issues. I see tons and tons of recipes for lemon chicken or lemon pasta and I want to hurl. Give me a desert that is lemon flavored and I'm fine. I'm the same with most garlic dishes. Garlic bread or pasta dishes with garlic in them are fine. But garlic chicken makes me shudder.

I'm not saying that I think I'm autistic. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere. It would help explain my social anxiety issues. Or the fact that I find it very hard to maintain any sort of relationship. I do not have friends in the traditional sense. I have no one to hang out with on a Saturday afternoon. I've never maintained a romantic relationship for over a year. I just really don't get other people very well. Authority figures scare the hell out of me. I had a conversation with a cop last night and I was shaking the whole time. She was just telling me to update my tags on my car. She was super nice but I couldn't stop shaking.

I know there isn't really a normal. The media loves to talk about normal. I know it's not real. But sometimes I just feel so very far from anything close to normal.

Saturday, July 09, 2016

Broken

That's how I'm feeling.

So much in the world is fucked up. I get so angry and sad and I feel so helpless.

I'm a middle aged white chick from fairly rural Iowa. The only discrimination I have to put up with is the fat shaming. It sucks but I don't fear for my life because of it.

Part of me does fear for my son. I know he passes for totally white. Much more so than his cousin or the children of some of my friends. My son does tan super easy. Part of the reason I'm ok with him being such a couch potato is because it keeps him looking pale. As long as he doesn't look "Mexican", he is safer.

I hate having to explain to him baldly that if he is ever confronted by the cops he is to only say "yes sir", "no sir" and "I would like to speak to a lawyer." And he is to be very still and keep his hands in view at all times. Don't even think about trying to run.

Not long ago a 17 yr old white boy was killed not far from here. He was on a joy ride with his dad's company truck. The dad called the cops on him. To teach him a lesson. He told the cops it was his son. They still shot him. Over a stupid truck. He didn't run. He just didn't get out of the truck fast enough. No record. No weapons. But he is still dead. And I can't even imagine the pain his father feels knowing he is the one that sent the cops after him.

I can't even imagine the fear that some of my friends and my sister feel. Their boys are quite obviously of mixed race. I wonder if they feel terror every time they can't get a hold of their boys. If they don't answer their phones right away. My nephew is still very young but I fear for him. I fear we won't be able to change things enough before he is an adult.

I just don't understand all the hate. I don't get grouping all people for something they have no control over. Skin color does not make anyone evil or less of a human being.

Ok, the brain is shutting down. I haven't been eating enough. I need to go get dinner.

Saturday, July 02, 2016

Guilty

I experience great guilt when I want to complain about pain. Well in certain places on the interwebs anyway.

I know people that suffer with chronic pain disorders. They are in constant pain and push through most of the time. They don't complain about it much.

I've not been diagnosed with anything. They looked into fibro and arthritis at one point years ago. Doc said I didn't have either.

But I am in pain. Almost every day. Almost all the time.

I only take pain pills while I'm at work. People tend to look at me funny when they see me limp or walk stiffly. I've had a few people make comments in the last month.

My right hip is almost always stiff anymore. When I stand up and try to walk, my right leg drags for a bit until I can loosen the joint up.

Both of my knees have been acting up more and more. The other day I sat with my right foot behind my knee for about half and hour. I couldn't move my leg afterward. The sharp pain in my knee was so bad that I could barely stand to pick my leg up with my hands and move my foot forward. I've had to have my son pick up my leg and move my foot for me a few times because of my knee. And by sit with my foot behind my knee, I just mean my foot on the ground was behind my knee above it. I don't sit with my feet tucked up or my legs crossed. I know that won't end well.

My ankles have been cracking like crazy lately. I try not to twist them much but I do it unconsciously and then my ankles ache if they crack. Don't get me started on the bottom of my left foot. I'm starting to wish that the doctors had looked into fixing the tendon I tore. I almost always feel like I'm walking with something stuck to my foot.

And the worst is my hands. My fingers and wrists just ache so bad sometimes. Icy Hot and the like don't do anything but annoy my nose. I like the smell of Tiger Balm better but I don't think it does much. I haven't been knitting at all because my hands just hurt too much.

The headaches I can deal with. I've had most of a lifetime to get used to them. I thankfully only get really bad ones occasionally. I'm sure my definition of really bad is a bit skewed though. As long as I can see and I'm not throwing up or wanting to, it's not a bad one. Yesterday's headache was a bad one.

Maybe I should go back to the doctor. I'm just tired of them telling me there isn't really anything wrong and it's all in my head. Getting the IBS diagnosis was hard. And it's not like they actually gave me anything to help with it. But at least now I have a viable excuse for not eating foods I know will upset me.

And none of this really has a point. I just wish I had people that I could complain to that would commiserate with me. I feel guilty about complaining to most of the people I know. They have it so much worse. Sometimes I just can't imagine going on if I were in more pain that I already am in. I'm not as strong as they are.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Feeling it

I'm feeling super alone lately. I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I haven't in a while and frankly I don't see it happening ever again.

I'm tired of feeling like people are only putting up with me. The only person that really talks to me at work, other than to ask for help, does so only because she is a total gossip. She feeds off having people listen to her crap.

I don't feel like trying is even worth it anymore. Nothing works. Trying just makes it hurt worse.