Sunday, August 28, 2016

grrrr arggg

I am so exhausted.

I'm not talking about tired.

I'm talking about my limbs are so fucking weak with it. Especially my arms.

I can barely breath with this. I'm not out of breath from doing anything. I just feel like I can't get any air. The effort of breathing is somehow too much.

My head isn't buzzy. It's like something is trying to drag my brain out of the bottom of my skull. It's like the effort of thinking is sucking my brain our of me.

And yet..

I've been off work all except like 4 hours on Monday. I've left the house a grand total of two times since Monday. Ok, I take that back. I drove to the gas station up a half block away twice. I didn't have cash for Nick to go for me and I still haven't gotten him his own ATM card.

I've been out of the house a total of maybe 3 hours.

90% of the time I've either been sitting in my chair reading online or in bed sleeping.

The only thing I've done as far as housework was defrosting the fridge. This only entailed having Nick bring in the coolers. One day I went and got ice and emptied the savable food from the fridge section after getting ice from the gas station. The next day I emptied the freezer. This was after making sure I had like 8 or 9 frozen water bottles instead of buying ice. Less of a mess that way.

And then today I went and got groceries for the week. I put them away and emptied the coolers now that I'm sure the fridge is staying cold.

We get ice in the back of the freezer and none of the cold air will go into the fridge. It's not a self defrosting freezer. This means I usually end up losing a bunch of cheese and breads when I don't realize the fridge isn't keeping things cold.

So really, there is no reason for the exhaustion. I've been a lazy ass for a week. I'm taking my meds. I'm trying to not eat quite so much junk. Hard to do with the fridge being on the blink but still.

But I still feel like warmed over shit. The headaches are just as bad. I will say my legs haven't hurt as much lately. But then again I've been sitting mostly. My arms and hands still hurt like mad. Right now from my elbows to my shoulders just aches so bad.

The only obvious change from taking the meds is the damn green poop. I haven't had much trouble from the IBS in the last couple months thanks to extra fiber. But now, thanks to the damn iron pills, I've actually been slightly constipated.

I wouldn't mind if it meant I felt better. But I don't.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

It's confirmed

I'm not crazy.

Well ok maybe but the whole being tired all the time. It's not all in my head.

I've been to the doctor so many times in the last couple weeks it's scary. Actually they did have me pretty scared there for a minute. Went in and had bloodwork done and within an hour I had a nurse calling me up and asking if I was feeling ok. Insisted that I come in and see the on-call doctor that afternoon. The only thing she told me was that my hemoglobin was really low. Yeah, don't search for that on webmd. Just don't.

So, normal hemoglobin level is about 12. People normally start feeling ill when it drops to 8. I've had three tests in the last week. My numbers were 6.5, 5.9, and 6.1. My doctor was on vacation when he got the first numbers and was shocked. Said it was a testament to how tough I am that I'm still functioning mostly normally. If you hemoglobin level were to fall to my levels quickly, you would be on the way to the ER.

I'm loading up on replacements and getting my levels rechecked.I'm on a high dose of iron twice a day. I'm taking B-12 every day. My levels were kinda low on B but not scary low. I'm also on a massive dose of vitamin D once a week. I've got the levels of an 80 yr old apparently. Ooops!

All my other bloodwork was fine. No arthritis. Doc says low iron levels and low vitamin D levels can cause joint pain. This means they have been low for a very long time.I hadn't had my bloodwork done in at least 5 years.

It's fucking scary that low iron can cause so many troubles. Even though I've been taking the pills for a couple weeks, I was also hit by a heavy period. So I have taken a week off of work to rest. I got super dizzy on Monday and really didn't want to pass out at work. They have to call an ambulance and even though we are a block from the hospital it would still be a huge bill that I don't need. I explained to my boss what was going on and she went through some of the same stuff about 10 years ago. Good to have a boss that won't give me shit about taking off.

So yeah, still tired as all hell. Still having bad headaches. My joints still fucking hurt.

But it's not in my head. And I'm taking my meds and trying to drink lots of water. I'm hoping a week of resting will help.

And I have appointments with specialists coming up. Second week of Sept. I'm seeing a neurologist about the headaches. And I've got an appointment with a gyn to see about telling aunt flo to fuck off. I'm keeping my options open. I've been on Depo before and had it stop completely. Beyond that there is ablation or a possible hysterectomy. Surgery will be a last resort. And in November I'm getting tested for carpal tunnel. That might explain some of the hand/arm pain.

Did I mention I'm being treated for tendonitis in my left wrist/ thumb? Hurt myself at work about 3 weeks ago and am on light duty for another two weeks yet. I'm in physical therapy and everything. I'm hoping this week at home will help out the hand too. I had been trying to do small stuff at work but the whole nearly passing out kind of killed that.

Anyways, I may be falling apart, but I'm falling forward at least. Hopefully by the new year I'll be on the mend and feeling a bit more human.

Saturday, August 06, 2016

Disappointing

As much as I said I wasn't expecting a miracle, I had hoped for something good to happen.

Everything is still hurting. My arms and feet are just aching to beat the band. My head is grumpy as fuck.

The meds the doc gave me to help with the headaches is also an antidepressant. I know I can use one of those in my life. But right now I'm a weepy grumpy mess. Every little thing is making me emotional. The pain I'm in is making me emotional.

I just want to feel ok again.

And no one seems to give two shits just how broken I am.

My mother keeps calling but it feels more like she just hates not knowing what is going on. She always ends up complaining about how much her life sucks. And she always calls when I'm eating. So I end up feeling ill and my head hurts worse.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Good news? Bad news? I dunno

I've been to the doctor both yesterday and today. It's a bit mind numbing.

My PCP was good. He actually listened to me. Other than to say it had been a long time, he didn't yell at me. I'm getting lab work done next week. I go back in a month right after seeing a neurologist for some tests. He gave me a med to try. I'm hoping it helps with the headaches. I'm not expecting miracles or anything. I did wake up with a massive headache this morning so I'm hoping it isn't going to cause the opposite reaction in me like some meds. He is also having me tested for carpal tunnel later this year. In the meantime I'm to wear braces on both wrists when I'm in bed.

I went back to have my left hand checked today. I did not get good news. I'm to be on light duty for another two weeks and do physical therapy. HR is dragging their feet on determining where the physical therapy will happen. I gave her the news at 10am and I still have no clue what is going on. I'm to keep wearing the brace they gave me for the next two weeks too. That thing is hot on my hand and is stinky now because of it. I'll keep it on as much as I can though. When the doc manipulated my thumb today I wanted to curl up in a little ball because it hurt so bad. I had honestly thought I was going to be released back to regular duty today.

And once again, even though I mostly sat at the computer all day at work, I'm in enough pain to nearly cry. My legs and arms hurt really bad. I need to take a shower and take some pain meds but holy crap I don't have the energy to get up and move. My head is really starting to hurt again.

Oh and I tried a caramel frappuccino today. Still don't like coffee one bit. I suppose if it were really, really, really cold I could stomach it. But not for $2.50 a bottle. I can get a bottle of DOC360 for $1 (which I actually like) or a bottle of MT Dew for $1.25 (which I hate but can drink if really cold if I do it fast). I'm just trying to find something with a bunch of caffeine that isn't too horribly sugary that I can drink in the morning. I'm wondering if it might help the headaches and help me wake up. I can't do sugary in the morning or I get icky feeling and I get heartburn.

I totally missed getting Nick registered for school thanks to all the crap that has been going on lately. With having to fill in for my boss, my hand hurting and the headaches I just totally read the paperwork wrong. They are ok with us coming in next Friday to get his schedule and locker assignment. They move the kids every year to keep the same grades in the same hallway of lockers. I think I preferred my high school where you kept the same locker the entire time you went there. All the lockers were in one great big area under the classrooms. I never felt intimidated by the older students with lockers near me.

I'm planning on trying to sleep in tomorrow but we need to do the shopping tomorrow. We have a tax free weekend every year right before school starts. It's for kids clothes, shoes and school supplies. I know it's not saving a huge amount of money but every little bit helps. Breaking up my weekend is just going to mess with me. I really do not want to do a schedule change like I had to do this week again.

Oh well, I'm going to try and take my shower now and hit the sack early. If I'm asleep I can't feel how much my legs hurt.

Monday, August 01, 2016

I have lost perspective

I honestly don't know what a normal amount of pain is.

Is there a normal amount?

Do most people feel pain every single day?

Am I just a damn whiner?

I just don't know any more.

I don't take pain meds at home because I know I'm hurting my organs with how many I take at work. But if I don't take the pills at work I can barely move around. At home I walk like an 80 yr old.

Right now, after only doing paperwork all day, my feet, knees, hands, arms and neck/upper back are all aching. It's a constant dull crushing pain. The only sharp pain in from my left wrist if I move it too much. I need to put my brace back on after I'm done typing. Ok, as I finished typing that I realized my arches really hurt too. There are some sharp pulses up my ankles and into my shins.

Am I just being a baby about this? Is the average 40 some odd yr old in this much pain every day?

I'm just afraid my doctor is going to tell me to shut up and put up with it cause everyone hurts.

I just honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I've been used to some amount of pain for many years now. I just put it all down to the fact that I fucked my body up when I flipped my car and I just need to deal with it.

But the last couple months have just been piling up on me.

I can barely clean the house because I'm in too much pain to move around much. I only leave the house for work and grocery shopping. We haven't even gone to the movies in nearly a year. The idea of going on vacation somewhere just exhausts me to think about. I've passed up on three or four opportunities to see bands that I love because the effort would be too much.

I just spend every night sitting in front of my computer because I don't have the energy left to actually have a life outside of work. Working takes up all the energy I have. I have been trying to get more sleep in hopes that I'll have more energy after work to do the things I need to do. I'm just as tired. If not more.

Ugghhh this is not helping.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

gah whine

I hate feeling like this. My hands, elbows, knees and ankles are just killing me. It's a constant ache. Kind of like someone has my joints in a vice.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that the doctor will listen to me on Thursday. Part of me wants a damn name for what is wrong. Some sort of acknowledgement of my pain.

Part of me is afraid that the doctor will say, "well you have xyz. The only treatment is OTC pain meds." I've exhausted the OTC stuff. It's just not working. To even take the edge off I'm taking almost enough to overdose.

I'm afraid he will say that the insurance will insist I do a course of OTC before getting anything stronger. This will mean weeks more of pain and more copays.

I know there isn't going to be a magic bullet that will take away all the pain. I'm used to some amount of pain. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be able to move around without cringing or wanting to puke because it hurts too bad.

I'm not going to off myself or anything. I can't do that to my son. I will not leave him to deal with my parents alone.

I just want to feel like me again.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Frustrated

So on Tuesday I hurt my left wrist. I wasn't even doing anything really. I was using my left arm to keep my balance while I leaned over and owwie! Didn't think it was any big deal and I had a meeting to get to.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the damn thing still hurts like a bitch. I kept asking my boss if the company would pay if I waited until after work to go have it looked at or if I had to go during shift. He totally blew me off. He didn't bother to email HR like I had asked. After a couple hours he hands the paperwork to me and tells me to go to HR myself.

HR lady scolded me for not having it looked at on Tuesday. If I went to the clinic every single time I felt a twinge, I would be there nearly every day. It's not unusual for something to hurt. The last time I let a sore wrist go to long I ended up in a wrist brace for 2 years. The only reason it healed up was I ended up in the office for 7 months.

So now I've got a brace that keeps me from moving my thumb and thus keeps me from being able to grab anything. Squeezing my hand is mostly what causes problems. Bossman is not impressed and is in fact kind of pissed off. I kept getting the stink eye from him Wednesday and Thursday. It's not my fault the doctor put down that I can't use my whole left arm.

So on top of the increasingly nasty headaches lately, my damn hand hurts. Today is a super bed head day. It hurts like a bitch and is making me want to yak. It's depressing the hell out of me too. I just want one damn day where I'm not hurting. It doesn't even need to be an "active" day. I would gladly sit on my ass all day and read or knit (please, please) if it meant I wasn't in pain. I fucking miss knitting. My hands and wrists ache too much to risk it though. The pain afterward just isn't worth it.

I really fucking hope the doctor listens to me on Thursday. And that he believes me when I tell him how much pain I'm in. Hopefully he won't just blame it on my weight. I gained more weight because it hurts too much to be active damn it. Not the other way around. Kind of like when they insisted the reason I was tired all the time was because I was depressed. Just ignore the fact that the fatigue came months before the depression. You try being up and happy when you are so fucking tired you could cry all the time.

And now I must lay down for a bit or I'm going to puke. The Advil Migraine didn't do a damn thing to help.