Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Not ignoring the blog!

We broke all our sales records last month. Now it is time to make all the things. Mandatory overtime is mandatory. Tired Frod is super fucking tired.

Just one order that we are working on calls for almost two months worth of material. And it all has to be done like yesterday. And there is another massive order coming up behind it.

So to avoid getting sick again I've been trying to get more sleep. I usually get by on 4 1/2 to 5 hours a night during the week. I make up for it on Friday by sleeping in. I can't do that when we are working mandatory 10 hrs over. This leaves me with only two days off and I can't sleep all day Saturday and feel like I had time off.

It's not helping that I'm not 100% over being sick last month. My lungs never fully recovered. I'm out of breath a lot more than normal. And about twice a week I have to go across campus and up a huge flight of stairs to get to training sessions. I usually feel like dying by the time I get to the top of the stairs.

The new twist is that my stupid headaches are making me smell cigarette smoke when there is no smoke anywhere around. Shouldn't be a big deal except I'm allergic. My stupid body smells smoke and automatically tells itself to start coughing. Doesn't matter that the damn smoke isn't real. So my chest is hurting from coughing.

And this is the time of year that I hate the worst. The temp changes by 10 to 20 degrees during the day. Even if the thermostat is set at the same temp all day it's alternating between being sweltering in here or being freezing. I leave for work and I'm shivering but when I go to leave I'm sweating. This is not helping keep me healthy.

So yeah, I'm tired and ornery but nothing major is going on. Only cool thing is that I wrote a small drabble and published it on AO3 and it has actually gotten a positive response. I didn't even share it on Tumblr or anything. People are finding it and liking it. I've got another idea for a story and as soon as I'm able to stay awake long enough I'll write it up.

But right now I"m going to go read for a few before I go to bed.

Saturday, April 09, 2016

I work with weirdos

Seriously, they are all weird. Two of them are plotting to get me a new position in the company. One that doesn't even exist. They didn't ask my opinion. They just started campaigning with our boss.

Basically they are trying to get me to be an inside material handler for our department. All our raw materials are stored outside. We have to call the head material handler for outside when we want something. He then calls one of the guys on the forktrucks to bring the stuff to the door. It can take quite a while to get materials. Sometimes this leads to my coworkers struggling to keep busy while waiting because they didn't plan far enough ahead for what they would need. They want me to plan out what will be run and do all the material requests and keep things flowing. Well, the planning part is really my boss's job. So is calling in the big stuff that we will need. Usually it's the interim stuff that the guys end up waiting for because the big stuff is already done. I should mention that most of the guys hate calling in materials.

I already do more than what my actual job is. My job is supposed to just be cutting and running materials. Sign in, do my job, make labels and put shit away. Somehow I'm also in charge of making outside labels for half the crew. Not to mention being the one everyone goes to when they can't find something or don't know where to put something when they are done with it. Half the guys don't know how to look at their time cards or how to put in a vacation request. So I act the part of secretary. My boss is constantly handing me slips of paper with part numbers on them and asking me to look into "that". This means figuring out what we have on hand against what the system says we have and figuring out why they don't match. And in my little corner of the building, I keep an eye on inventory and request jobs to fill empty racks.  Not to mention that my boss tends to ask me to send emails for him or write up papers and stuff for him.When we transitioned to our new system last year, I spent months working on inventory and helping with paperwork in the office. I spent months not doing anything to do with my regular job and spending my time helping keep the system cleared up and inventory straight. Oh and when the boss is gone, I do his job. The only thing I don't normally do is approve timecards, although I do know how to do it.

Part of me wants to transition to more of a support position. One where I'm doing mostly paperwork and stuff and not actually lifting material. I kind of got used to it last year. The other part is not super happy about the weight I gained from sitting on my ass for 7 months. heh I'm having more health issues lately and my pain levels are not good. The idea of not straining myself is a good one. Not that my job is all that horribly physically demanding. Just the whole being on my feet for 10 hours and repeatedly lifting shit and moving it around. I'm having more trouble with my stupid ankle lately. I am so not hip to the whole being able to feel the damn thing more than usual. You would think that 20 plus years would be too long for nerve damage to start reversing.

Mostly I'm just fucking tired all the time. And my head hurts. I probably need to have my eyes checked. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Not sure what the hell the point of this rant was.

Sunday, April 03, 2016


So today is my dad's 67th birthday. I had the kid call him. I'm not a complete asshole. Just because he has spent most of my life being an asshole to me doesn't mean I have to return the favor. I think he actually hung up the first time Nick called. He did talk to him for a few minutes when he called back. I did not talk to him. It's been almost a year since I've heard his voice except for in my nightmares.

Nothing much else interesting to talk about really. My health continues to be a pita. Nick is mostly being a pita. Life as it is and always has been.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Pissing in the wind

This is how I feel most of the time. I really do think that some people that are supposedly my friends have me on ignore. Reaching out has become pointless.

My mother stopped by today. At least she called first and asked if it was ok. She had a jacket for Nick. We talked for about 15 mins or so. And, of course, she turned on the waterworks when she left. She acts like I'm the cruelest person on the planet because I won't make nice. She made her choices. She earned every single tear.

Nick is on spring break and being a lazy butt. You would think I'm trying to kill him by asking him to do anything. I've only asked him to do his normal chores.

sigh I have a headache. I guess I'm not really in the mood to write either really. Nothing but trivial shit to write about anyway.

Friday, March 18, 2016

mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

figured it out

Yup it's kidney stones and/or a UTI. Not a whole lot of pain but it's annoying. Headache is worse. And my damn blood sugar is kind of wonky. I had some protein and that helped for a little bit. Gonna be an early night tonight.

not good

I don't really know what's going on. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral. I'm sitting here fighting tears when nothing is really going on that should make me want to cry.

Physically I'm feeling about 70%. I've got a headache and my back hurts a bit. I've got a stomach ache because I haven't eaten much. None of it is zomg pain or agony.

Since yesterday I've just felt very off and near tears. It's not pms. It's not been quite two weeks since the last so the next is a few weeks off.

Part of it is probably the time change and the damn rainy windy weather. I haven't been sleeping for shit. And oh how the rain has been making my joints hurt. Joints aren't too bad today.

I have tons of shit I should be doing right now. All I'm interested in is reading or sleeping though. I suppose I should eat something and see if that helps.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


Oh holy shit I'm tired. Daylight Savings Time is kicking my ass.

I understand the concept behind DST. I get what they were trying to do when they set it up and why they expanded it. I get it. I just don't think they took into account the human factor. It totally fucks some people up for weeks. I already get up at 3:30 am to begin with. To get up yet another hour early fucking sucks ass.


I do have shit I want to talk about. Politics and religion and why the two shouldn't mix is high on the list. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm very liberal and very not religious. I've got a rav friend on FB that makes me almost look conservative with how liberal she is. She has a friend that is so far to the left that I think she lives in Trump's ass. The woman drives me fucking nuts. I have thoughts to share about this so I don't crawl through my screen and strangle her.

Anyways, the kid and I are about 95% healthy right now. It took me like 3 weeks to get over a nasty cold and then I went and got a sinus infection. That took almost a week to get rid of. Lost of pain and goo. Nick spent about 2 weeks fighting off the same cold. He was healthy for about a week and then last night he was puking. He was fine and dandy and able to go to school today. No freaking clue what that was about.

Dude had an awesome report card this trimester. Nothing less than a B+. His school district started using a trimester system instead of two semesters with two quarters each. Before the classes would only meet every other day for a large block of time. Now classes meet every day for a bit shorter amount of time. They are hoping that it will allow the kids to take more varied classes and they will retain the information easier. I don't know about all that but well I like the school so we are stuck with it. I'm just glad he is finally taking Spanish. The school counselor was convinced he couldn't handle it last year. He got an A this year.

Ehhhh I have more to blather on about but my hand are really sore right now. There are big thunderstorms moving through the area tonight. It's supposed to rain all week. My joints are not liking it. And yet the doctors insist I don't have arthritis at all. Uh huh.I don't really want to take anything for it if I don't have to so I'm just going to call it a night. I'll be back when my hands are cooperating more.