Friday, March 25, 2016

Pissing in the wind

This is how I feel most of the time. I really do think that some people that are supposedly my friends have me on ignore. Reaching out has become pointless.

My mother stopped by today. At least she called first and asked if it was ok. She had a jacket for Nick. We talked for about 15 mins or so. And, of course, she turned on the waterworks when she left. She acts like I'm the cruelest person on the planet because I won't make nice. She made her choices. She earned every single tear.

Nick is on spring break and being a lazy butt. You would think I'm trying to kill him by asking him to do anything. I've only asked him to do his normal chores.

sigh I have a headache. I guess I'm not really in the mood to write either really. Nothing but trivial shit to write about anyway.

Friday, March 18, 2016

mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

figured it out

Yup it's kidney stones and/or a UTI. Not a whole lot of pain but it's annoying. Headache is worse. And my damn blood sugar is kind of wonky. I had some protein and that helped for a little bit. Gonna be an early night tonight.

not good

I don't really know what's going on. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral. I'm sitting here fighting tears when nothing is really going on that should make me want to cry.

Physically I'm feeling about 70%. I've got a headache and my back hurts a bit. I've got a stomach ache because I haven't eaten much. None of it is zomg pain or agony.

Since yesterday I've just felt very off and near tears. It's not pms. It's not been quite two weeks since the last so the next is a few weeks off.

Part of it is probably the time change and the damn rainy windy weather. I haven't been sleeping for shit. And oh how the rain has been making my joints hurt. Joints aren't too bad today.

I have tons of shit I should be doing right now. All I'm interested in is reading or sleeping though. I suppose I should eat something and see if that helps.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


Oh holy shit I'm tired. Daylight Savings Time is kicking my ass.

I understand the concept behind DST. I get what they were trying to do when they set it up and why they expanded it. I get it. I just don't think they took into account the human factor. It totally fucks some people up for weeks. I already get up at 3:30 am to begin with. To get up yet another hour early fucking sucks ass.


I do have shit I want to talk about. Politics and religion and why the two shouldn't mix is high on the list. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm very liberal and very not religious. I've got a rav friend on FB that makes me almost look conservative with how liberal she is. She has a friend that is so far to the left that I think she lives in Trump's ass. The woman drives me fucking nuts. I have thoughts to share about this so I don't crawl through my screen and strangle her.

Anyways, the kid and I are about 95% healthy right now. It took me like 3 weeks to get over a nasty cold and then I went and got a sinus infection. That took almost a week to get rid of. Lost of pain and goo. Nick spent about 2 weeks fighting off the same cold. He was healthy for about a week and then last night he was puking. He was fine and dandy and able to go to school today. No freaking clue what that was about.

Dude had an awesome report card this trimester. Nothing less than a B+. His school district started using a trimester system instead of two semesters with two quarters each. Before the classes would only meet every other day for a large block of time. Now classes meet every day for a bit shorter amount of time. They are hoping that it will allow the kids to take more varied classes and they will retain the information easier. I don't know about all that but well I like the school so we are stuck with it. I'm just glad he is finally taking Spanish. The school counselor was convinced he couldn't handle it last year. He got an A this year.

Ehhhh I have more to blather on about but my hand are really sore right now. There are big thunderstorms moving through the area tonight. It's supposed to rain all week. My joints are not liking it. And yet the doctors insist I don't have arthritis at all. Uh huh.I don't really want to take anything for it if I don't have to so I'm just going to call it a night. I'll be back when my hands are cooperating more.

Monday, March 07, 2016

Well shit

I'm finally over the cold I've had for nearly a month. Now, I have a sinus infection. It hurts a lot. I am not happy. Nothing I've taken has helped much. I have a nasty combo of stuff in my system right now which has edged the pain off. But zomg I'm sleepy now. I could use the sleep so I'm ok with that. I just wish this damn sinus infection would go away already. I'm sick of being sick and in pain. I can't take much more of it.

Thursday, March 03, 2016


Depression sucks and when you add pms on top of it, it's just a million times worse. Everything is just a big mess of fucked up. Today was actually a goodish day at work. I got to play supervisor even if it was for a sucky reason. My pain meds even actually worked today. I was in a lot of pain for the first couple hours but the pain meds took effect pretty quick and I was pain free for the rest of the day. This isn't the norm for me so it was a pleasant surprise.

I think one of my coworkers might be loosing it a little bit. He is in his late 50s but his grasp on what is ok to say to someone is failing him. I actually kicked him in the shin for one of his comments today. I know he was only kidding but in the moment I was just totally shocked. I even told him later why what he said was not a good thing but I still don't think he really got it. He is old school and not super sensitive to other people's feelings.  A really nice chat with one of the really old guys on 2nd shift made up for it. This guy has to be pushing 80 and tends to ramble if you get him started. It was cool listening to his stories of being in the army and stationed near Chicago.

Nothing out of the ordinary is going on at home. Nick was a bit worried that I took so long to get home tonight. That was more to do with the envelope from LootCrate though. I switched from monthly payments to paying every three months because they were giving out Deadpool cufflinks as a perk for upgrading. I'm a sucker for Deadpool.

I'm just really disappointed in someone I've known for years. We aren't close but I thought they at least kind of liked me. I made a friendly gesture a few days ago and it's been total radio silence. And it's not because they haven't been around. I'm just not worth the effort of a response I guess. This is the sort of thing that is the reason I keep most people at arms length. I tend to see too much where there isn't any real substance. And when I"m confronted with the fact that I was kidding myself all along it kind of stings.

Someday I will learn. Some day it won't hurt so much.

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Mini Rant

I hate giving up on people. I know I put up with way too much shit from people because I'm always way too desperate to make everyone happy. But every once in awhile I just have to give up on someone. And it kills me.

Most of the time I post stalk them for awhile. Depending on who they are and why I walked away, it could be just me wondering if they miss me at all. Sometimes it's just to see if they are still acting the fool and proving I was right to walk away.

Shit, I walked away from a painful situation for about a year. Only one person noticed. I'm talking about totally cutting myself off from almost everyone I know. And only one person cared and it took months before they said anything. And then no one noticed when I came back. Talk about painful. I really had to rethink the whole concept of relying on anyone. I'm trying very hard lately not to rely on anyone for any kind of emotional support. I very rarely get back what I expect from anyone.

Oh and on the walking away front. I've been no contact with my dad since the beginning of June 2015. Talk about peaceful. I'm very low contact with my mom. Most contact is done through FB messenger. Nick very rarely sees either of them. He never asks to see them and I'm not going to push him.

On FB, at least, I'm finding it easier and easier to get rid of people that don't make me happy. I started out just unfollowing people but now I just unfriend people that irritate me. On other sites it's harder. I find it very hard to unfollow someone on Tumblr. I had to get rid of someone toxic the other day though. I feel guilty about it a little because I know he is depressed and he has issues. But damn he could be very annoying and down right rude to anyone he didn't agree with. I tried to ignore the whole thing because none of it had anything to do with me. I can't tell him or anyone else in that situation how to feel about it or how to deal with it. But the rude bickering about who was more right and who got to decide anything was just so fucking annoying. But now that he isn't in my feed it feels weird.

I unfollowed a whole bunch of people on twitter recently. I stopped watching Y&R a couple years ago. They fired my favorite actors and added a whole bunch of new people and I just lost interest. So most of the Y&R folks I followed went bye bye. Most of the people I followed from Game of Thrones got cut too. I've only seen the first two seasons and I'm not likely to ever get HBO so there is no real reason to follow any of them.  I'm mostly down to music people and people connected to Supernatural. I still follow way too many damn people on there.

Yeah, anyway, I'm just kinda grumpy right now. I reached out to someone about something and totally got ignored on it. It got me thinking about the whole walking away from people that don't make me happy. Lord knows I've seen enough people walk away from me lately.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

A short one

As y'all might remember, my health has always been iffy. I have lots of stomach issues. IBS is the biggest one. Lately I've been having serious issues with heartburn. I just started on Nexium to see if that helps. I think the heartburn is mostly my body not liking the Halls that I've been sucking down because of this stupid cold I've had for nearly a month now.

This cold just won't go away. I'll have days that aren't too bad. Maybe just a slight general achiness. Other days I can barely breath because of the snotfest going on in my head. I've had a couple days lately where catching my breath is not an easy thing. Thus the eating of the Halls to keep my head clear. And this leads to the heartburn.

For the second time in as many weeks I've missed a day of work because I spent my morning throwing up because of sinus drainage and heartburn. The Nexium says to take it in the morning before eating but I don't eat until I'm at work and it's well after I'm feeling like shit. So I'm going to take it at night before I eat dinner. Since it's supposed to work for 24 hrs this should leave me ok in the morning so I'm not missing more work.

I should have looked at other types of throat lozenges when I was at the store but the Halls does a really good job of opening my sinuses up. I've just been munching on Tums like crazy to keep down the acid. No amount of water is helping at all. There are days I'm filling my water bottle 3 times. This is coming from someone that barely drinks anything from their water bottle during the winter. I have to have my water cold and I can't drink cold water if I'm chilly. During the summer I drink tons of water at work. I bought a second water bottle to make sure I stay hydrated this summer.

I'm really, really hoping this damn cold will wear itself out soon. I've only had a few days where the symptoms were really bad. Mostly just an itchy throat and icky sinuses. I've not even really run a fever at all. I only had one day of an actual sore throat. I'm just kind of tired a lot and feel kind of weak. Every once in awhile I'll just kind of drop from being not too bad to being totally exhausted and weak and just wanting to curl into a ball and sleep. If I'm lucky to be at home I just lay down for a bit. At work I just take an extended bathroom break because the fatigue usually doesn't last too terribly long.

I'm sure what is keeping me sick is that the weather in Iowa is just being nuts lately. One day it's in the 50s and the next we have snow again. I need the cold and wet shit to go away like yesterday.

Ok, I'm done whining. It's just about time to grab a shower and get to bed. Well I'll do all that as soon as my brat of a child is done with his shower that he should have taken half an hour ago. lol