Ummm

Holy crap! I wasn't sure that I would be able to log into this thing. Surprise!

Soooo not a lot has changed. Just read my last post on here. It has been a while but things are really still the same. SG (I forget what that stands for but I know who it is) is now the supervisor on days. We get along way the hell better than we ever have. Basically I'm his second in command. I take over when he is gone. If he is busy I fill in for him. I actually spent a few months working in the office because we installed a new inventory system. Things have not been real smooth on that. We lost a lot of sales trying to get shipping to work right. The company I work for is very complex and the system don't know how to integrate everything we do. Red is no more. She has actually been gone a couple years now. I rarely ever talk to her.

We are still in the duplex. I would really like to buy a house one of these days. I just haven't found anything I can afford that I actually like. I'm very low contact with my parents. I haven't talked to my dad in 8 months. It's been bliss. Nick shows no interest in seeing them. I'm not going to push him. Lots of family drama that I'll probably post about at some point if I can keep up with this thing this time.

Mostly I'm here again because I've been feeling like I'm pissing in the wind. I actually stopped talking to almost everyone I know for almost a year and a half and no one noticed. After about a year one person got in contact and asked if I was ok. No one else ever mentioned a thing. Kind of proved my point as to why I stopped talking to everyone. I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm basically ignored unless I'm sharing some tragic thing about my life. I try and share some humor and it just flies over everyone's heads. Doesn't matter what platform I share things on either. So, if I'm going to be ignored, I'll just share my musings here where only I will be reading it. Keep all my bullshit in one place, ya know?

And this brings us to the musing that has me inspired to write stuff out.

Dreams are a very big part of my life. I am a lucid dreamer that has very vivid dreams that I usually can remember with great detail. Not only do I dream every night I also daydream quite a bit. At work I'm almost always in my own little world. This has had me thinking about some weird theories where dreams are concerned. There are several parts to my theories.

The first part can sort of be explained by sharing a tv show that was on a few years ago. IMDB.com says the name of the show was Awake, but for some reason my brain insists that it was something else that I can't remember. I'm sure they are right and my brain is just weird. Anyway, the star of the show was Jason Isaacs aka Lucius Malfoy of Harry Potter fame. I don't remember his character's name in the show so we will just call him Jason because I'm lazy that way. Jason was a cop out on the West coast somewhere. One night he and his wife and son were out for a drive and were in a car accident. Jason woke up to find that his son was dead but his wife survived. The only thing was that when he went to bed at night instead of falling asleep when he closed his eyes, he would wake up in another reality where it was actually his wife that had died and he was living with his son.

In both realities Jason had gone back to work but he had different partners in each. He had a different psychiatrist also. Because really, who wouldn't need to see a shrink if every time you fell asleep you woke into a different reality that was just as real as the last one. So basically Jason was living two parallel lives. There were certain similarities between the two worlds but also some major differences. For the viewer of the show there were some visual clues to let them know which reality they were viewing. When Jason was in the reality with his wife, the lighting was brighter and yellow toned. In the reality with his son, the lighting was more subdued and blue toned.

The whole point of the show was Jason trying to figure out which reality was the real one. It is revealed as the season went on that the accident was all a set up. His boss was trying to kill him because he was close to revealing her illegal activities. I don't really remember just how the show ended because they had to rush it to a conclusion because it wasn't renewed. They did get to play out a full season though which is more than most cancelled shows get.

Ok, and now the point of why I went into detail about this show. What if our dreams are actually alternate realities? What if some people are more connected to their alternate selves and when they are sleeping they are actually hitching along in the other's life?

There is a theory (this one not mine) that for every choice we make in life a new alternate reality is created. Each time we make a choice, we actually make all choices. We just split off into another reality. Like say, when you were 10 years old there was a new kid in your class. You have the choice to either talk to the kid and try and make friends or to just ignore them. So say you remember talking to them and thus followed the reality that you know. But you also made the choice to ignore them and that you went on to live a different life in another reality. The two realities would maybe be very similar. But every time you had a choice to make your reality would split out again into multiple realities.

Basically there are infinite realities where you exist but made slightly different choices. Some of them would be very similar where maybe there were only a few small differences in the choices you made. Some would be vastly different. Maybe in one reality you went after your dream to be a rock star and it worked?

So what if when we go to sleep we are actually visiting one of these alternate universes? Some of us are just better at remembering what we see. This could be why some people have super vivid dreams. You are basically just hitchhiking along in the other reality.This could be why some dreams seem so real and familiar. Because that reality is very close to the one that you live in. And who is to say that in another reality that those scary aliens actually do exist. I really feel sorry for the me that lives in that reality. It could also explain why people have recurring dreams. What is happening is that you are visiting the same reality on multiple occasions.

I have some very complicated, drawn out dreams. Sometimes they can last for months at a time. Each night is a continuation of the dream I had the night before. Sometimes these dreams also play out in my daydreams. These dreams can be very detailed. During them I can practically drawn you a detailed floor plan of the house I live in in it. There are tons of people in the dreams that I don't actually know in real life. Marriages, children, jobs. During the duration I can tell you birthdays and middle names and where they go to school. Their favorite colors and favorite foods. Eventually I move on to another story and details are forgotten, but sometimes I will see or hear something and it will slam me right back into the old story. And I'll be able to remember the broad details of the story again even years later.

Nine Inch Nails has a song titled I Do Not Want This  that I've always liked. One of the lyrics is "I have lived so many lives all in my head". This is kind of how I feel about the dreams I've had. I have lived thousands of lives inside my head over the years. What if these lives are actually real but are just alternate realities? If this is true, some of the other mes are living some awesome lives. Some of them have some seriously fucked up lives. I frequently have dreams where the planet has been invaded by evil aliens and I'm doing my best to fight back and survive. Not something I would want to do in this reality.

I kind of like the idea that these realities might actually be realities that an alternate me is getting to live out. And the idea that I get to visit them is kind of cool.

One thing should be noted, in 99% of these realities, Nick exists and he is my kid. He is almost always pretty much the way he is in real life. I guess I can't really imagine a world where he isn't a part of my life. No matter how far back in age I might take a story it always ends up with me being his mom. Usually he gets to have siblings but not always.

Well I think I've done enough damage for one day. Anyone that might stumble across this entry is going to be convinced I'm a wack-a-doodle. I just might be. Oh well.

Now the real test is to see if I make it back here to discuss another kind of dream that I have. Ever heard of sleep paralysis? Next time I'll discuss that pain in the ass.

Oh and btw, what the hell happened to my cool theme I had on here?? I am going to have to edit that shit. The images are lost to time I'm sure since I bought a new computer 2 years ago. I do have the old hard drives somewhere. Oh well.