Monday, August 01, 2016

I have lost perspective

I honestly don't know what a normal amount of pain is.

Is there a normal amount?

Do most people feel pain every single day?

Am I just a damn whiner?

I just don't know any more.

I don't take pain meds at home because I know I'm hurting my organs with how many I take at work. But if I don't take the pills at work I can barely move around. At home I walk like an 80 yr old.

Right now, after only doing paperwork all day, my feet, knees, hands, arms and neck/upper back are all aching. It's a constant dull crushing pain. The only sharp pain in from my left wrist if I move it too much. I need to put my brace back on after I'm done typing. Ok, as I finished typing that I realized my arches really hurt too. There are some sharp pulses up my ankles and into my shins.

Am I just being a baby about this? Is the average 40 some odd yr old in this much pain every day?

I'm just afraid my doctor is going to tell me to shut up and put up with it cause everyone hurts.

I just honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I've been used to some amount of pain for many years now. I just put it all down to the fact that I fucked my body up when I flipped my car and I just need to deal with it.

But the last couple months have just been piling up on me.

I can barely clean the house because I'm in too much pain to move around much. I only leave the house for work and grocery shopping. We haven't even gone to the movies in nearly a year. The idea of going on vacation somewhere just exhausts me to think about. I've passed up on three or four opportunities to see bands that I love because the effort would be too much.

I just spend every night sitting in front of my computer because I don't have the energy left to actually have a life outside of work. Working takes up all the energy I have. I have been trying to get more sleep in hopes that I'll have more energy after work to do the things I need to do. I'm just as tired. If not more.

Ugghhh this is not helping.

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