gah whine

I hate feeling like this. My hands, elbows, knees and ankles are just killing me. It's a constant ache. Kind of like someone has my joints in a vice.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that the doctor will listen to me on Thursday. Part of me wants a damn name for what is wrong. Some sort of acknowledgement of my pain.

Part of me is afraid that the doctor will say, "well you have xyz. The only treatment is OTC pain meds." I've exhausted the OTC stuff. It's just not working. To even take the edge off I'm taking almost enough to overdose.

I'm afraid he will say that the insurance will insist I do a course of OTC before getting anything stronger. This will mean weeks more of pain and more copays.

I know there isn't going to be a magic bullet that will take away all the pain. I'm used to some amount of pain. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain anymore. I just want to be able to move around without cringing or wanting to puke because it hurts too bad.

I'm not going to off myself or anything. I can't do that to my son. I will not leave him to deal with my parents alone.

I just want to feel like me again.