mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.