Broken

That's how I'm feeling.

So much in the world is fucked up. I get so angry and sad and I feel so helpless.

I'm a middle aged white chick from fairly rural Iowa. The only discrimination I have to put up with is the fat shaming. It sucks but I don't fear for my life because of it.

Part of me does fear for my son. I know he passes for totally white. Much more so than his cousin or the children of some of my friends. My son does tan super easy. Part of the reason I'm ok with him being such a couch potato is because it keeps him looking pale. As long as he doesn't look "Mexican", he is safer.

I hate having to explain to him baldly that if he is ever confronted by the cops he is to only say "yes sir", "no sir" and "I would like to speak to a lawyer." And he is to be very still and keep his hands in view at all times. Don't even think about trying to run.

Not long ago a 17 yr old white boy was killed not far from here. He was on a joy ride with his dad's company truck. The dad called the cops on him. To teach him a lesson. He told the cops it was his son. They still shot him. Over a stupid truck. He didn't run. He just didn't get out of the truck fast enough. No record. No weapons. But he is still dead. And I can't even imagine the pain his father feels knowing he is the one that sent the cops after him.

I can't even imagine the fear that some of my friends and my sister feel. Their boys are quite obviously of mixed race. I wonder if they feel terror every time they can't get a hold of their boys. If they don't answer their phones right away. My nephew is still very young but I fear for him. I fear we won't be able to change things enough before he is an adult.

I just don't understand all the hate. I don't get grouping all people for something they have no control over. Skin color does not make anyone evil or less of a human being.

Ok, the brain is shutting down. I haven't been eating enough. I need to go get dinner.