sigh

There are days when I wish I were the sort to do illegal drugs.

Sometimes the pain just really gets to me. At the moment my hands and feet really just ache so bad. I wish there was a pain pill strong enough to make it go away. I have such a high resistance to pain meds that most don't do shit for me.

And then there are days when the emotional shitstorm that is my life gets to be too much. Sure I could drink but that just makes me more depressed and blue. I don't get hangovers but I'm just not a happy drunk. It doesn't help me sleep or help me forget. I just get quiet and depressed and most of the time I end up crying. I don't drink nearly as often as I should.

I usually hoard my prescription pain meds. I never need all the pills that they give me for an injury. I save them for days when my back or hands get too painful. Alas, I'm totally out.

I am at the point where all I have left is over the counter crap. I quite literally take doses that are high enough to make doctors I know blanch. I generally try to only take OTC pain meds when I'm at work. If they can help me get through my shift, I'll take them. But I take way too many of them. And they barely even touch the pain. I bought some Advil Migraine to help with the headaches at work. You are only supposed to take 400mg of the acetaminophen per 24 hours. That made me laugh. That does did last me for a couple hours and did actually help the pain. I ended up taking another dose later though. And if I'm taking it in regular pill form I normally take 3 times that.

At home I will take old prescription pain meds. Or I might take one shot of something containing booze. I don't take the OTC stuff because I know the doses I take aren't good for you. But what the hell are you supposed to do when you are in pain and nothing works?

I don't want to be seen as a drug seeker when I go see a doctor. I have to admit that I was a bit miffed that the ER doc didn't give me anything for at home when I went the other day. All they really gave me was benadryl and and anti nausea med via IV. Explains why I still had a pretty good headache when I left the ER. I was still at at least a 6 but if they weren't going to do anything else to help I would rather be in my own bed than laying on a gurney bored out of my mind.

sigh

I think I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say. My brain wanders when I'm in this much pain. Hands and feet are killing me and I'm getting a worse headache than normal. Once the sun goes down, my fat ass is hitting the sheets.