Sunday, July 10, 2016

Mental Health?

 Not really what i mean but it's as close as I can get without going all google search mad. I do that and I won't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I'm realizing more and more that I am even more non neurotypical. I've known for years that my brain doesn't really work like other people's do. And yes, I've been tested.

I've suffered nasty headaches for as long as I can remember. They are nearly constant. I don't really know what it's like to not have a headache. Over the years different doctors have had me on different medications. One did actually do tests. He flat out said my braid was unusual. I have way more electrical activity going on that is supposed to be. He put me on epilepsy meds that did help for awhile.

There have been points in my life where I was on a shit load of medications. Pain meds. Meds to block the extra shit going on in my head. Antidepressants. Meds for spastic muscles. At one point I was on like 10 different medications at once. I don't take anything anymore. I went off them when I lost my insurance and I've been afraid to go back on them.

I had one doctor that was convinced that all my physical ailments were in my head. He sent me to a psychologist that only wanted to explore my memory problems. She didn't care that they were actually from a physical injury. She didn't want to talk about any of the psychological trauma I have experienced. No amount of telling her that the memory trouble started after a traumatic brain injury would shut her up. Her partner is the one that decided to put me on anti depression meds. Pills alone weren't going to solve shit.

Anyway, back to the point of what I was trying to write. I've talked often about my son being mildly autistic and having ADHD. At least one of my brothers has ADHD as well. Frankly I think that if doctors actually diagnosed girls with ADHD when I was a kid I would have been diagnosed too. With me there is no middle ground. I'm either completely focused on one thing to the point that I have no clue what is going on around me or my brain is flittering between a billion things.

I have always said that I need the tv on all the time to cover the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus is so much fun! Don't smack your head on shit people. It messed shit up inside. In reality, I need the background noise to give me something to kind of keep my brain from wandering. If the back of my brain is paying attention to the tv while I'm doing something else I tend to wander off topic less.

I'm fascinated by people that can have one single browser window open. They can concentrate on one subject at a time and then move on. I currently have 6 windows open with a total of 9 tabs. Part of it is habit from when I was on dial-up. I would keep a solitaire game open or a story to read so that I had something to do while other windows were loading. One page would be loading while I read something else and then when I noticed that one was done I would switch. I've got cable now and while it's not the fastest connection I really don't need that many windows open for loading purposes.

I'm sure I've mentioned my son's eating issues on here. I've been noticing my own lately. I've always said that he finds most normal food to be almost horrifying. That he just can't understand why the hell people would eat some of the things that we do. I never realized that I feel the same way about a lot of fairly normal foods. I was just looking at the weekly meal plan put out by a food blogger. All of it was fairly normal and popular food. And I just kept going, "eww, ewww, ewwwww!" Until I got to the end with the deserts there wasn't a damn thing on her menu that I would eat.

There are certain forms of vegetables that I just can't bring myself to eat. I have serious texture issues. I see tons and tons of recipes for lemon chicken or lemon pasta and I want to hurl. Give me a desert that is lemon flavored and I'm fine. I'm the same with most garlic dishes. Garlic bread or pasta dishes with garlic in them are fine. But garlic chicken makes me shudder.

I'm not saying that I think I'm autistic. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere. It would help explain my social anxiety issues. Or the fact that I find it very hard to maintain any sort of relationship. I do not have friends in the traditional sense. I have no one to hang out with on a Saturday afternoon. I've never maintained a romantic relationship for over a year. I just really don't get other people very well. Authority figures scare the hell out of me. I had a conversation with a cop last night and I was shaking the whole time. She was just telling me to update my tags on my car. She was super nice but I couldn't stop shaking.

I know there isn't really a normal. The media loves to talk about normal. I know it's not real. But sometimes I just feel so very far from anything close to normal.

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