Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Moving on

Have you ever had a relationship that you just couldn't move on from?

It struck me last night that I've been in a holding pattern now for over 4 years. My last real relationship just about killed me. I couldn't let go of the pain and he didn't seem to want to let me move on. I tried for a clean break because of how hurt I was by the things that went on. For months he kept contacting me. He might lay off for a month or two, but there was always that late night call to bring it all up again.

I've hidden away here from the "real" world in order to keep myself from ever having to feel that way again. Only I just really haven't been living much. To be honest, outside of work, I have very little contact with the "real" world. I spend my free time online, alone in my room. I have a very select few people that I talk to on messenger and a few that I contact through their blogs. Other than my mom, I have no one to just call up and chat with in my area.

I've shut myself away from anyone that was a possible friend. I do not keep in contact with anyone from high school. I have emailed one friend that moved out to California, but haven't heard back from her yet. I'm hopeful though. I don't have contact with anyone from past jobs. Even the one I had for 9 years.

I have no one that I can go shopping with. No one to grab lunch with. If I want to see a movie it has to be kid friendly or I have to go alone. I don't even know where to go or how to meet people. So I sit here alone.

I realized last night that it has been about a year or more since the ex last contacted me. He was trying to apologize for being an ass. I hung up on him. But still in the back of my mind I waited. Oh he will call sooner or later. He always does. But he hasn't.

Google is a wonderful thing to play with but you have to be careful what you learn. You see, I know all the IDs that the ex used. So last night after being amazed at how much info I found on myself, I googled the ex. I had already known that he claimed to be married, but well I claim on my yahoo ID that I'm married too. And then last night I found his wedding picture.

And it hit me that he has moved on. And I haven't.

You have to understand that I've only had two really serious relationships. One with my son's father and one with the ex. Sure there have been fleeting relationships that didn't leave a lasting mark, but these two tore at my very soul. I lived with my son's father. We were engaged when I became pregnant. Soon afterwards I realized he didn't want to live up to his responsibilities. For all of his talk about wanting kids, he ran away scared. I've only talked to him once on the phone in the last 8 years.

After he left, all of my abandonment issues went into overdrive. I didn't trust anyone. I had myself a mini breakdown. Suicide crossed my mind more than once. But how could I do that knowing I was pregnant? So I hid away. I worked and read and crocheted.

Then I met the ex. He was always around and knew just what to say. Oh I sure know how to fall for the talkers. They both had their dreams and were aces at telling me what they "were going to do". It never hit me that the reason the ex was always around was because he just wasn't working hardly at all. He gave me all the attention that I had been missing for the 3 years since the last guy left. We were together for a year. I was happier than I had ever been.

And then he changed. We had made plans to move in together and get married. But things got put off. There was always the excuse. As soon as he got some money together. As soon as family stuff settled down. And then he cheated. And he chose her instead. But he wouldn't let me go either. I cut things off but he called constantly. He was sorry. She was nuts. He wanted me back. And I said too bad, soo sad and would hang up.

But I didn't move on. I waited for him to show up. I was sure that if he was really sorry like he said that he would show up. But he didn't. And when I would start to heal, he would call. And again the cycle would start. But now, he isn't going to show up. I honestly hope he has changed and doesn't hurt his wife the way he hurt me and the gal he dated before her.

But, I'm sitting here realizing I'm alone. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept being angry. Angry that he moved on and I hadn't. Yes it's been four years, but when I love, I love hard. I think the only reason I was able to let go of the kid's father is because how much I hated him. Hated him for leaving me to raise Nick on my own. With the ex, I made excuses for why he did what he did.

So I'm sitting here having got three hours of sleep. I'm sick to my stomach thanks to that wonder that is IBS. I threw up last night for the first time in quite a while. Just to make that ache stop for a little while.

And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. What now? I don't have anyone to just hand out with. I don't attend church. I have issues with the whole religion thing. Do I go and sit through a sermon that will only irk me just in the hopes that someone will talk to me. I've always had anxiety about speaking to strangers, so just striking up a conversation with someone is scary for me. I have no contact with my siblings, so having them help me out isn't an option. They don't know me well enough to make introductions with anyone that would have similar interests.

I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I don't think I have much to offer someone right now. I have way too many issues. I'm just wishing I had some friends to hang out with. Anyone. But I have no clue where to begin.

I always thought the end of something was the hardest part. In reality, it is the beginning.

*This post brought to you by raging PMS and lack of sleep*


Anonymous said...

Hugs for you my dear internet friend...

From a Squister in the South

Susan said...

Ok, serious side of me says....woman, I dont think I have ever seen you open yourself up so much as I did just know reading this. It made me cry...but it also showed me what strength you must have within you, to be able to just "put it all out there"!! You go girl...
Now, if we all could just live closer, you, Ally & me, we could do the chick thang and go hang out & check out the hot looking guys, or take you to the local yarn store where you could just fondle it....while we stood outside looking doe-eyed, saying..."I don't know her...never met her!" lmao

All kidding aside...for what it's worth my own weird loves ya girl-friend! And while we're not just down the street from one another, I'm here for ya if you ever need a net friend. :o)

big huggz

Diane said...

You're right. It's hard to cross a bridge when you don't know what's on the other side. Friends? Failure? Life is a journey but it's hard when you think you know the life you'd like vs the life you have.

Instead of thinking about a life overhaul just make one change. Some simple like eatting 3 serving of veggies every day or taking a walk after dinner or reading a book a week. Just something for you that you haven't done in the past.

Zoebert said...

Wow, reading your entry reminds me of some of the pain I went through with my Divorce. All I can say is it does get better... maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but it will eventually. It's like Diane said- make a small change, something simple, something you can feel good about at the end of the day. We gotta take our "Atta'girl" where we can and pretty soon they start to add up.

Just take a deep breath. Things will get better!