Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Yep, I confess

I'm a total chickenshit. Last week I was supposed to go to Borders at the mall. There is a group of ladies that get together to knit on the first Monday of the month. I posted on ICK asking who from the site was going to be there. Well, only one person responded and she doesn't live close enough to come. So I chickened out. Granted I've never met the ladies at ICK either, but the idea of showing up for the get together and imposing myself just scared the daylights out of me.

Ya see, people scare me. I'm always afraid that people are judging me. That they think that I'm stupid or too fat or too ugly. I imagine that people are thinking "What the hell is she doing here? Who does she think she is? She isn't good enough to be here." I think part of it stems from the way I grew up. I went to about 10 schools before graduating high school. In fact, my folks decided to move to a different town my senior year of high school. I went from being in a class with over 300 students to a class of 82. It isn't all that easy to fit in to a small town. My mother was ostracized because she wasn't born there. We lived in that town exactly one year before moving back closer to the city we lived in before.

Growing up, I didn't see the point of making friends. We were going to end up moving soon anyway. I often got teased because I wore a lot of hand-me-downs. My mom would often buy me boys jeans because they were cheaper. I also started developing earlier than the other girls I was around at the time. There were times I just wanted to slap some of the boys. I mean, excuse me for not wanting to wear a freakin bra at 12. My boobs weren't that damn big that I needed to wear one and they were uncomfortable.

When I first started high school, I was constantly teased and told that I was fat. I believed them. Now I look back at my pictures and I'm amazed. I was freakin skinny!!! I would kill to be that small again. There was a lot of abuse in my house at the time. I always felt like I had to hide. Always wondering what people would think if only they knew the truth. That didn't bode well for making friends either. As soon as I got my driving permit, I became my dad's designated driver. I spent way too much time sitting in bars with old retired guys. I made my dad pay dearly though. I think that I spent as much money on video games and chips as he did on booze.

I could go much farther into my neurosis but I think that is more than enough information for one day. One last bit of information though. My only friends are online. I have 3 dear friends that I talk to regularly on msn messenger and by e-mail, but I have no face to face friends. I did have a friend from junior and senior high school. She was my best friend for 13 years. I haven't spoken to her since June of 97. She just stopped calling and answering my calls. There is a lot of background info on that one, but not for now. Maybe another day.

I swear I will get back to knitting content one of these days. :OP I am still working at it but nothing interesting to show yet. Be well.


FaeryCrafty said...

I have anxiety over meeting new people myself. I doubt that anyone there would be worried about the way you look. Knitters come in all shapes and sizes and they are way more concerned with knitting :)

SCarrGo said...

I'm the same way--I freak out over meeting people and think I may never get to a knitting group in my town. Don't know what is wrong with me--I worry about all of the same things you do...

Laura said...

Hey there you. Sorry that you're having a bad day. I can understand what you're going through. Anyone that I hung out with before my knee surgery last year has abandoned me. A 23 year old girl in a wheelchair is no fun. That's why I love blogging and knitting. It's a way to pass the time.

I'm going to join a knitting group in town this week and I'm SO scared. I don't know if I am going to fit in. It should be fun though.

I think that next time you should email the person in charge of the get together. I'm SURE that they will ALWAYS accept new people. Knitters aren't clicky. They have "the more the merrier: mantality. Definitely go next time. Hey you just might meet some really nice people/ =0)

Hugs to you!