yawn

I'm sorry. I've just been so tired. Last week I had to play boss while my bonehead boss did field work. Had to play boss for the second half of today too cause he had to fix his tractor. The hitch needed to be welded. Damn we sound redneck. lol

Finally got my fridge working again. This makes me so happy. I still need to deep clean it before I can fill the fridge part back up. The freezer is all spic n span already. Living out of coolers isn't that big of a pain but I'm happy to not have to buy ice every 3 days.

Biggest issue with life right now is the renovations at work. We have 3 days of having to walk to another building to use the bathroom. It sucks. And tomorrow our break room will be torn apart too. It was only a couple weeks ago that they painted everything. Now it's new tile on the floor. I'm tired of it already.

Nick is done with school this year. He pulled off pretty good grades. I want him to try and get a part time job but he is afraid. So he has been doing odd jobs around the house. He knows if he doesn't do something his internets will go bye bye. I still wish he would get a job outside the house. He will be 17 in eleven days. I had my first job at 15.

Anyways. I'm gonna go take a shower and eat some dinner. Maybe I'll have something interesting to post about one of these days.

oooops

Ok, I admit it, I forgot about the blog for a hot minute.

Work and allergies have been ruining my brain. The next week doesn't look like it's going to be much easier. My boss will be gone all week which means I get to play boss. sigh I don't like playing boss. Plus, I have a huge project I'm trying to work on. It's a total mess because I was going off what someone else had done first. Only he had stuff marked down as never being ran when we actually have the part in stock. I have to send someone out to the stacks to search for the product.It may have been shipped out when the system was acting funny.

On the home front, I had a birthday the other day. I worked like usual and my coworkers threw a fit that I didn't tell them ahead of time so they could bring in a cake. I didn't really want a cake. My brother was the one that had to open his mouth and tell everyone. And, or course, my mom had to make the day all about herself. I can't hear my cell when I'm at work and I can't really feel it vibrate, so I missed her call. And then I came home to a message on FB even though she had left me one two days before. About an hour later I got another message of "whoa is me, you hate me! why won't you answer?" I had only responded to a couple messages at that point. I was freakin tired and I didn't want to deal with her. But it's what she wants that is important. The boy did remember but only because we argued the day before about his friend's birthday.

My fridge is once again needing defrosting. The amount of ice I pulled out of the back of the freezer was insane. Now to get the insides defrosted so that cold air can get into the fridge part. Cross your fingers it defrosts by tomorrow night so that I can buy groceries. I really don't want to have to buy food every day for work. I didn't lose too much food this time. Mostly just some french fries and hash browns.

I haven't been really looking for a house lately. The only ones in my price range don't have pictures. I mean, who lists a house with only one picture? I really should go look at a couple of them though. I'm tired of paying rent. And I'm not getting a real deal here anymore. It's cheaper than a comparable duplex in the town I want to move to, but I'm paying the top rent here now. We need more room and I'm tired of having the landlord hanging over my head. Yeah, I would be the one replacing my fridge if the defrost doesn't work, but I'm not afraid to buy a cheap piece of shit to tide me over for a couple weeks or months.

I keep dreaming about my dream house in Washington. I want out of Iowa so badly. Nick is the only thing keeping me here. He loves his school and I'm not about to make him change high schools like my parents did to me.

Ehh anyways. Nothing dramatic going on here. Just your usual annoying shit.

People confuse me

I don't understand why so many people trust me. The people I work with put way too much trust in me. Sometimes it's kind of scary. Were I to be the type to take advantage of things, I could really screw some people over big time.

Both this supervisor and the last have trusted me with information that could technically have gotten them in trouble. It's a big no no to let anyone have your email password. Both gave me theirs. Both trusted me to write emails on their behalf using their accounts. And during the two weeks between supervisors, the next higher up trusted me to actually run the department earning me my own company email address. They don't give those out to just anyone because they have to pay a fee for each address.

With the current supervisor, I'm trusted not only with his email but I've got his other passwords for other programs we use. Hell, he has trusted me to approve time cards for my fellow employees and even my own time card. Granted, I'm not real sure how to fake them in order to screw the company out of money or screw my coworkers out of hours but still. I could still really screw some shit up in the other programs if I wanted to. And all of it would have his name attached and not my own.

Heck, the woman that creates all our jobs trusted me with her password to our main database. When we switched systems, I helped her with inventory and with running through jobs. The first time I actually deleted a job while no one was in the office I got a little scared. It would be super easy for someone to really screw up the system. And I have that power if I wanted to use it.

I know half the crews passwords for putting in for time off. Most of them are scared of computers and can barely type. Granted about the only thing I can really do with those passwords is to put them all in for random days off work. But then I could sign in as my supervisor and approve that time off without anyone being aware of it.

And today one of the ladies in the IT department shared a very important password for the printers with me. While I might not be able to cause physical damage to the printers, I now have the ability to really fuck up settings that only IT can fix.Hell, I know how to sign into a printer remotely and mess stuff up so I don't even have to do it while at work.

Not that I would ever deliberately mess up any of the systems at work. Even if they were to screw me over big time, I just don't have it in my to sabotage anything. The fear of being a bad person it way too strong. You can blame the principal at the school I went to in 2nd and 3rd grade for that.

I spent my whole childhood moving from school to school. Not anywhere near as bad as the poor Winchester boys, but I did manage to go to ten schools before I graduated from high school. This particular school was the only one where I got into any serious problems. I was always a very shy kid. I didn't really see the point of trying to make friends when I knew we were probably going to move soon anyway. So I just kept to myself.

Unfortunately this made me a target in the eyes of some of the teachers and the principal. The shit initially hit the fan because I woke up late one morning and didn't have time to eat before I had to leave for school. I only had to walk about 6 blocks. So my mom gave me a package of poptarts and sent me off to school. I still hadn't finished the second one when I got to school and I had the wrapper still. When one of the teachers saw that, she decided that I must be the kid that had been stealing the other kids lunches. It had to be me because I was bigger than my classmates and obviously I was strong arming them for their lunches. I wasn't fat or anything, I was just taller earlier than most of the kids.

So, I got in big trouble for the whole food stealing thing even though my mom told them she had given me the poptarts. They didn't care. A couple weeks later they found an old reel to reel tape in my locker. Obviously I had stolen it from the library. Who knows what else I had stolen from the school. It didn't matter that I told them that I found it on the playground. I just thought it made a cool streamer and I wanted to play with it at the next recess and put it in my locker so it wouldn't blow away. Nope, I was a thief and they were determined to kick me out for it. I guess they only wanted to allow for two strikes.

Turns out I didn't get kicked out. Right about this time one of my grandmothers died. My folks decided that my grandfather couldn't possibly live on his own and they decided that, once again, we would be moving. This time we would move in and take care of my poor old grandpa. We lived with him for four years before my parents realized that a man in his mid 50s was perfectly able to take care of himself. heh Both my parents are now in their 60s and would balk at the idea that they needed to be taken care of.

But anyway, this whole thing with the school has led me to have a lifelong fear that anyone might think I'm a thief. Even a hint of any wrong doing on my part scares the shit out of me. I never even had the usual youthful shoplifting incident.

Oh, I've done things that could have resulted in me being arrested for stupid shit. I was always pretty careful to not get caught. I should note that none of the things I may or may not have done would have resulted in an actual prison sentence. Stealing was never an option though.

I still don't get why people trust me as an adult but no one would trust me as a kid.  I never quite got the lure of breaking the rules. I just wanted to get along and stay under the radar. The less attention I got the better.

Egads!!

I am one tired chickie.

We have worked a month straight of 10hrs mandatory overtime each week. This time last year we were just about to finish up doing that for about a year and a half. I don't remember being this tired last time.

Part of it is that I haven't really recovered from that damn cold. My lungs are still very iffy. Stairs are really not my friend right now. I've begged off doing any extra training the last two weeks because I feel like I'm dying by the time I get to the training room in the other building. On Tuesday I'll be in that damn training room twice probably. Once for training and once for a meeting. It will not be a good day. Tuesday also starts three days where I will be in charge of my department because bossman will be away.

On an unrelated note, I'm kinda sad. About a month ago I found a house that I really liked. It was a little more than I could afford but I loved it. Two weeks later it disappeared from the one realty site. Queue the sadness. And then last week I realized it was still on another site. Queue the excitement of maybe having a second chance. With my tax return coming I would maybe have enough of a down payment. And now the house is off the other site. sigh It was still too much anyway but I liked it dang it.

So I'm sitting here sad and in the middle of an allergy attack. I'm starting to wonder if there is something in one of the shampoos I use or in the body wash that is giving me allergy attacks. Sometimes after I take a shower my eyes just itch like a bitch and I get all snotty. My body is fucked up enough to be allergic to freaking shampoo. For future reference it was the Almond and SheaButter Suave shampoo that I used tonight. I don't usually use the same one two nights in a row. So I'll have to remember the next time I use it.

And now on another completely different note, I've noticed that my favorite go to movies are really, really varied. When we first moved into this place I couldn't afford to get a dish so we only got like four channels. This meant we spent a lot of time watching VHS tapes. There was no option to have cable in this tiny shitass town at the time. We only got cable about four years ago. So I'm going to list out my go to movies.

The Back to the Future Trilogy: I have all three movies on one tape. I would watch that tape over and over again. Even now if I see one of them is on tv I'll watch.

Godzilla (1998): This was Nick's favorite movie as a toddler. He would get so excited when it was on. "Did you see that mom? Godzilla! RAWR!!" and he would stomp his feet.

The Blade Trilogy: Ok, so I really only like the first and last movies a lot. The second one wasn't real great. And we will just ignore that there are more without Snipes in the helm. Nick was almost named after Deacon Frost from the first movie. Had his dad not taken off, he probably would have been. And the third one is the best because of Ryan Reynolds. That man is a treasure.

The Scream Trilogy: I have a thing for trilogies even though some of them have more than three movies in them. lol I love scary movies and well scary movies that make me laugh are even better. Nick hates the Scream movies because he hates scary movies. We bond over sci-fi and action movies.

The Riddick movies: I don't count the animated movie. It's ok but I've only watched it like twice. I like Vin. No more needs to be said.

The Fast and the Furious: Just the first one. The rest of them are kind of boring to me really. shrug But again we have Vin being Vin.

Independence Day: I love this movie. It has my favorite things in it. Aliens, shit being blown up and Will Smith. I've lost count of the times I've watched it.

I, Robot:  This was one of my favorite books. They did a passable job turning it into a movie. And again we have Will Smith. I hate watching it on cable though. They always blur out Will's tush. Not cool.

The Men in Black Trilogy: Back to the trilogy thing. Again we have Will Smith and aliens. A winning combo. Plus, Tommy Lee Jones is freaking hilarious and he is one of my favorite actors.

The Fugitive: Again with Tommy Lee Jones. And we add in Harrison Ford for good measure. Good action movie with some humor added in in small doses. Good stuff.

U.S. Marshals: And again Tommy Lee Jones and Wesley Snipes. Even more humor in this one. Oh and we have the addition of Robert Downey Jr. Be still my heart.

The Silence of the Lambs: Anthony Hopkins is awesome. There is only one part of this movie that I fast forward through. The scene where Catherine is in the well and Buffalo Bill is taunting her and they are both screaming is too uncomfortable for me. Ted Levine is super awesome as Buffalo Bill. I've seen the sequels but none were as impressive as the first.

The Avengers: This movie was an awakening. It spurred a love of comic books movies that I didn't realize that I had. A great big part of that can be blamed on Tom Hiddleston. His Loki was so perfect. Everyone else was awesome too but I have a soft spot of Hiddles.

The Iron Man movies: After seeing The Avengers in the theater I went back and revisited Iron Man. I totally forgot how much I loved the first movie. I've now seen them all many, many times. I'm not a huge fan of the second one though. I don't really like Mickey Rourke much as an actor. RDJ is enough to make up for it though.

The Marvel Comic Book movies: Should I just say that I love all the new Marvel comic book movies? I really do. The first Captain America movie is a little harder to watch. I had to watch it like three times to figure out what the hell was going on. The second one was much easier to follow. I like Age of Ultron even though there are certain aspects that annoy the hell out of me. The whole Bruce/Natasha thing is bonkers and Clint having a wife is BS.

Harry Potter: Can't forget this series. Again I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them all. Hell I've lost count of the number of times I've read the books. I've lost count of the number of fanfictions I've read too.

I know I'm forgetting so many that I watch a lot. The Cornetto Trilogy is a big fav but I don't have them all on DVD but I will watch them if they are on. Not to mention Paul cause Nick Frost and Simon Pegg are awesome. The new Star Trek movies are super sweet but again I don't own them. The Lord of the Rings trilogy which I own on dvd and VHS. All of Stephen King's movies. Most of which I do own on at least VHS. I don't have a working VCR that is hooked up to anything anymore though.

I could probably keep going, but those are the ones that I'm most likely to watch over and over again. And now I'm super tired and I think I could actually sleep now.

Not ignoring the blog!

We broke all our sales records last month. Now it is time to make all the things. Mandatory overtime is mandatory. Tired Frod is super fucking tired.

Just one order that we are working on calls for almost two months worth of material. And it all has to be done like yesterday. And there is another massive order coming up behind it.

So to avoid getting sick again I've been trying to get more sleep. I usually get by on 4 1/2 to 5 hours a night during the week. I make up for it on Friday by sleeping in. I can't do that when we are working mandatory 10 hrs over. This leaves me with only two days off and I can't sleep all day Saturday and feel like I had time off.

It's not helping that I'm not 100% over being sick last month. My lungs never fully recovered. I'm out of breath a lot more than normal. And about twice a week I have to go across campus and up a huge flight of stairs to get to training sessions. I usually feel like dying by the time I get to the top of the stairs.

The new twist is that my stupid headaches are making me smell cigarette smoke when there is no smoke anywhere around. Shouldn't be a big deal except I'm allergic. My stupid body smells smoke and automatically tells itself to start coughing. Doesn't matter that the damn smoke isn't real. So my chest is hurting from coughing.

And this is the time of year that I hate the worst. The temp changes by 10 to 20 degrees during the day. Even if the thermostat is set at the same temp all day it's alternating between being sweltering in here or being freezing. I leave for work and I'm shivering but when I go to leave I'm sweating. This is not helping keep me healthy.

So yeah, I'm tired and ornery but nothing major is going on. Only cool thing is that I wrote a small drabble and published it on AO3 and it has actually gotten a positive response. I didn't even share it on Tumblr or anything. People are finding it and liking it. I've got another idea for a story and as soon as I'm able to stay awake long enough I'll write it up.

But right now I"m going to go read for a few before I go to bed.

I work with weirdos

Seriously, they are all weird. Two of them are plotting to get me a new position in the company. One that doesn't even exist. They didn't ask my opinion. They just started campaigning with our boss.

Basically they are trying to get me to be an inside material handler for our department. All our raw materials are stored outside. We have to call the head material handler for outside when we want something. He then calls one of the guys on the forktrucks to bring the stuff to the door. It can take quite a while to get materials. Sometimes this leads to my coworkers struggling to keep busy while waiting because they didn't plan far enough ahead for what they would need. They want me to plan out what will be run and do all the material requests and keep things flowing. Well, the planning part is really my boss's job. So is calling in the big stuff that we will need. Usually it's the interim stuff that the guys end up waiting for because the big stuff is already done. I should mention that most of the guys hate calling in materials.

I already do more than what my actual job is. My job is supposed to just be cutting and running materials. Sign in, do my job, make labels and put shit away. Somehow I'm also in charge of making outside labels for half the crew. Not to mention being the one everyone goes to when they can't find something or don't know where to put something when they are done with it. Half the guys don't know how to look at their time cards or how to put in a vacation request. So I act the part of secretary. My boss is constantly handing me slips of paper with part numbers on them and asking me to look into "that". This means figuring out what we have on hand against what the system says we have and figuring out why they don't match. And in my little corner of the building, I keep an eye on inventory and request jobs to fill empty racks.  Not to mention that my boss tends to ask me to send emails for him or write up papers and stuff for him.When we transitioned to our new system last year, I spent months working on inventory and helping with paperwork in the office. I spent months not doing anything to do with my regular job and spending my time helping keep the system cleared up and inventory straight. Oh and when the boss is gone, I do his job. The only thing I don't normally do is approve timecards, although I do know how to do it.

Part of me wants to transition to more of a support position. One where I'm doing mostly paperwork and stuff and not actually lifting material. I kind of got used to it last year. The other part is not super happy about the weight I gained from sitting on my ass for 7 months. heh I'm having more health issues lately and my pain levels are not good. The idea of not straining myself is a good one. Not that my job is all that horribly physically demanding. Just the whole being on my feet for 10 hours and repeatedly lifting shit and moving it around. I'm having more trouble with my stupid ankle lately. I am so not hip to the whole being able to feel the damn thing more than usual. You would think that 20 plus years would be too long for nerve damage to start reversing.

Mostly I'm just fucking tired all the time. And my head hurts. I probably need to have my eyes checked. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Not sure what the hell the point of this rant was.

hey

So today is my dad's 67th birthday. I had the kid call him. I'm not a complete asshole. Just because he has spent most of my life being an asshole to me doesn't mean I have to return the favor. I think he actually hung up the first time Nick called. He did talk to him for a few minutes when he called back. I did not talk to him. It's been almost a year since I've heard his voice except for in my nightmares.

Nothing much else interesting to talk about really. My health continues to be a pita. Nick is mostly being a pita. Life as it is and always has been.

Pissing in the wind

This is how I feel most of the time. I really do think that some people that are supposedly my friends have me on ignore. Reaching out has become pointless.

My mother stopped by today. At least she called first and asked if it was ok. She had a jacket for Nick. We talked for about 15 mins or so. And, of course, she turned on the waterworks when she left. She acts like I'm the cruelest person on the planet because I won't make nice. She made her choices. She earned every single tear.

Nick is on spring break and being a lazy butt. You would think I'm trying to kill him by asking him to do anything. I've only asked him to do his normal chores.

sigh I have a headache. I guess I'm not really in the mood to write either really. Nothing but trivial shit to write about anyway.

mostly better

So the kidney stone is gone. Still drinking water like a mofo. I hate peeing every ten minutes but whatever makes sure the damn stones go away is fine by me.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place. Part of it is feeling on the outside. I'm part of a big group of people. The main core of the group is super close. They talk outside of the group all the time. Some of them meet up in meatspace. I've only met two of them face to face. No one really contacts me outside of the group. I can't help but feel other.

The group tends to sing the praises of it's members. Talking about how much certain members mean to them. I'm never included. It has caused me to shut down before. Once for over a year. Only one person noticed. No one noticed when I came back. I'm always the hanger-on. Never on the inside.

The group does swaps every year. Usually it's a one on one type thing. Sometimes it's a "kindness" type deal. You just send random members something. It's always the same people that are flooded with gifts. People have had to be reminded to include the rest. This piles onto the feeling of other.

I try and participate. I make comments. I post stories. I barely get acknowledged. The only time I get any sort of real response is if there is some sort of drama. I've gotten rid of 90% of the drama in my life by cutting contact with my parents. The only people I see face to face are the people I work with and the people at the gas station and grocery store. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with someone that wasn't asking who I was voting for.

I've always, always been on the outside. I've claimed to have best friends in the past. Each one has proved that I'm nowhere near their closest friend. Hell I've had a couple turn on me completely.  I walked away rather than be someones emotional punching bag.

I honestly don't have anyone that I would say is actually my friend. The people I know online are just that. People I know. I don't feel like I mean anything to them. I don't really consider anyone I talk with at work to be a friend. I'm their sounding board. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I'm not someone they associate with outside of work. I don't even get invited to lunch anymore. And that is with my brother and co-workers.

The one brother I was close to growing up barely talks to me anymore. I've seen him 4 times in the last 9 months. Last time was just because he needed a babysitter. I don't have anything interesting to share, so I don't call.

The most interaction I have really is arguing with strangers on FB. I enjoy annoying the friends of FB friends. Most of the people I know on FB are just people I play games with. Only some are family.

I know the solution is to leave the house and talk to people. It's not that easy with the level of anxiety I have. I don't usually have a panic attack unless I know I'm going to have to interact with people I don't know that might actually put too much attention on myself. I'm fine with shopping because I know I'll just be ignored.

And this is the life I lead as a hermit. Some of it is by choice. Some is just trying to protect myself from rejection and pain.

figured it out

Yup it's kidney stones and/or a UTI. Not a whole lot of pain but it's annoying. Headache is worse. And my damn blood sugar is kind of wonky. I had some protein and that helped for a little bit. Gonna be an early night tonight.

not good

I don't really know what's going on. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral. I'm sitting here fighting tears when nothing is really going on that should make me want to cry.

Physically I'm feeling about 70%. I've got a headache and my back hurts a bit. I've got a stomach ache because I haven't eaten much. None of it is zomg pain or agony.

Since yesterday I've just felt very off and near tears. It's not pms. It's not been quite two weeks since the last so the next is a few weeks off.

Part of it is probably the time change and the damn rainy windy weather. I haven't been sleeping for shit. And oh how the rain has been making my joints hurt. Joints aren't too bad today.

I have tons of shit I should be doing right now. All I'm interested in is reading or sleeping though. I suppose I should eat something and see if that helps.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh holy shit I'm tired. Daylight Savings Time is kicking my ass.

I understand the concept behind DST. I get what they were trying to do when they set it up and why they expanded it. I get it. I just don't think they took into account the human factor. It totally fucks some people up for weeks. I already get up at 3:30 am to begin with. To get up yet another hour early fucking sucks ass.

sigh

I do have shit I want to talk about. Politics and religion and why the two shouldn't mix is high on the list. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm very liberal and very not religious. I've got a rav friend on FB that makes me almost look conservative with how liberal she is. She has a friend that is so far to the left that I think she lives in Trump's ass. The woman drives me fucking nuts. I have thoughts to share about this so I don't crawl through my screen and strangle her.

Anyways, the kid and I are about 95% healthy right now. It took me like 3 weeks to get over a nasty cold and then I went and got a sinus infection. That took almost a week to get rid of. Lost of pain and goo. Nick spent about 2 weeks fighting off the same cold. He was healthy for about a week and then last night he was puking. He was fine and dandy and able to go to school today. No freaking clue what that was about.

Dude had an awesome report card this trimester. Nothing less than a B+. His school district started using a trimester system instead of two semesters with two quarters each. Before the classes would only meet every other day for a large block of time. Now classes meet every day for a bit shorter amount of time. They are hoping that it will allow the kids to take more varied classes and they will retain the information easier. I don't know about all that but well I like the school so we are stuck with it. I'm just glad he is finally taking Spanish. The school counselor was convinced he couldn't handle it last year. He got an A this year.

Ehhhh I have more to blather on about but my hand are really sore right now. There are big thunderstorms moving through the area tonight. It's supposed to rain all week. My joints are not liking it. And yet the doctors insist I don't have arthritis at all. Uh huh.I don't really want to take anything for it if I don't have to so I'm just going to call it a night. I'll be back when my hands are cooperating more.

Well shit

I'm finally over the cold I've had for nearly a month. Now, I have a sinus infection. It hurts a lot. I am not happy. Nothing I've taken has helped much. I have a nasty combo of stuff in my system right now which has edged the pain off. But zomg I'm sleepy now. I could use the sleep so I'm ok with that. I just wish this damn sinus infection would go away already. I'm sick of being sick and in pain. I can't take much more of it.

...

Depression sucks and when you add pms on top of it, it's just a million times worse. Everything is just a big mess of fucked up. Today was actually a goodish day at work. I got to play supervisor even if it was for a sucky reason. My pain meds even actually worked today. I was in a lot of pain for the first couple hours but the pain meds took effect pretty quick and I was pain free for the rest of the day. This isn't the norm for me so it was a pleasant surprise.

I think one of my coworkers might be loosing it a little bit. He is in his late 50s but his grasp on what is ok to say to someone is failing him. I actually kicked him in the shin for one of his comments today. I know he was only kidding but in the moment I was just totally shocked. I even told him later why what he said was not a good thing but I still don't think he really got it. He is old school and not super sensitive to other people's feelings.  A really nice chat with one of the really old guys on 2nd shift made up for it. This guy has to be pushing 80 and tends to ramble if you get him started. It was cool listening to his stories of being in the army and stationed near Chicago.

Nothing out of the ordinary is going on at home. Nick was a bit worried that I took so long to get home tonight. That was more to do with the envelope from LootCrate though. I switched from monthly payments to paying every three months because they were giving out Deadpool cufflinks as a perk for upgrading. I'm a sucker for Deadpool.

I'm just really disappointed in someone I've known for years. We aren't close but I thought they at least kind of liked me. I made a friendly gesture a few days ago and it's been total radio silence. And it's not because they haven't been around. I'm just not worth the effort of a response I guess. This is the sort of thing that is the reason I keep most people at arms length. I tend to see too much where there isn't any real substance. And when I"m confronted with the fact that I was kidding myself all along it kind of stings.

Someday I will learn. Some day it won't hurt so much.

Mini Rant

I hate giving up on people. I know I put up with way too much shit from people because I'm always way too desperate to make everyone happy. But every once in awhile I just have to give up on someone. And it kills me.

Most of the time I post stalk them for awhile. Depending on who they are and why I walked away, it could be just me wondering if they miss me at all. Sometimes it's just to see if they are still acting the fool and proving I was right to walk away.

Shit, I walked away from a painful situation for about a year. Only one person noticed. I'm talking about totally cutting myself off from almost everyone I know. And only one person cared and it took months before they said anything. And then no one noticed when I came back. Talk about painful. I really had to rethink the whole concept of relying on anyone. I'm trying very hard lately not to rely on anyone for any kind of emotional support. I very rarely get back what I expect from anyone.

Oh and on the walking away front. I've been no contact with my dad since the beginning of June 2015. Talk about peaceful. I'm very low contact with my mom. Most contact is done through FB messenger. Nick very rarely sees either of them. He never asks to see them and I'm not going to push him.

On FB, at least, I'm finding it easier and easier to get rid of people that don't make me happy. I started out just unfollowing people but now I just unfriend people that irritate me. On other sites it's harder. I find it very hard to unfollow someone on Tumblr. I had to get rid of someone toxic the other day though. I feel guilty about it a little because I know he is depressed and he has issues. But damn he could be very annoying and down right rude to anyone he didn't agree with. I tried to ignore the whole thing because none of it had anything to do with me. I can't tell him or anyone else in that situation how to feel about it or how to deal with it. But the rude bickering about who was more right and who got to decide anything was just so fucking annoying. But now that he isn't in my feed it feels weird.

I unfollowed a whole bunch of people on twitter recently. I stopped watching Y&R a couple years ago. They fired my favorite actors and added a whole bunch of new people and I just lost interest. So most of the Y&R folks I followed went bye bye. Most of the people I followed from Game of Thrones got cut too. I've only seen the first two seasons and I'm not likely to ever get HBO so there is no real reason to follow any of them.  I'm mostly down to music people and people connected to Supernatural. I still follow way too many damn people on there.

Yeah, anyway, I'm just kinda grumpy right now. I reached out to someone about something and totally got ignored on it. It got me thinking about the whole walking away from people that don't make me happy. Lord knows I've seen enough people walk away from me lately.

A short one

As y'all might remember, my health has always been iffy. I have lots of stomach issues. IBS is the biggest one. Lately I've been having serious issues with heartburn. I just started on Nexium to see if that helps. I think the heartburn is mostly my body not liking the Halls that I've been sucking down because of this stupid cold I've had for nearly a month now.

This cold just won't go away. I'll have days that aren't too bad. Maybe just a slight general achiness. Other days I can barely breath because of the snotfest going on in my head. I've had a couple days lately where catching my breath is not an easy thing. Thus the eating of the Halls to keep my head clear. And this leads to the heartburn.

For the second time in as many weeks I've missed a day of work because I spent my morning throwing up because of sinus drainage and heartburn. The Nexium says to take it in the morning before eating but I don't eat until I'm at work and it's well after I'm feeling like shit. So I'm going to take it at night before I eat dinner. Since it's supposed to work for 24 hrs this should leave me ok in the morning so I'm not missing more work.

I should have looked at other types of throat lozenges when I was at the store but the Halls does a really good job of opening my sinuses up. I've just been munching on Tums like crazy to keep down the acid. No amount of water is helping at all. There are days I'm filling my water bottle 3 times. This is coming from someone that barely drinks anything from their water bottle during the winter. I have to have my water cold and I can't drink cold water if I'm chilly. During the summer I drink tons of water at work. I bought a second water bottle to make sure I stay hydrated this summer.

I'm really, really hoping this damn cold will wear itself out soon. I've only had a few days where the symptoms were really bad. Mostly just an itchy throat and icky sinuses. I've not even really run a fever at all. I only had one day of an actual sore throat. I'm just kind of tired a lot and feel kind of weak. Every once in awhile I'll just kind of drop from being not too bad to being totally exhausted and weak and just wanting to curl into a ball and sleep. If I'm lucky to be at home I just lay down for a bit. At work I just take an extended bathroom break because the fatigue usually doesn't last too terribly long.

I'm sure what is keeping me sick is that the weather in Iowa is just being nuts lately. One day it's in the 50s and the next we have snow again. I need the cold and wet shit to go away like yesterday.

Ok, I'm done whining. It's just about time to grab a shower and get to bed. Well I'll do all that as soon as my brat of a child is done with his shower that he should have taken half an hour ago. lol

Hey! I'm back!

And it's only been a few days!!

I've spent some time thinking about the sleep paralysis phenomenon. I even had a conversation with the kid about it. He found it all a bit freaky. And really, it kind of is. There are several things that need to be discussed when it comes to sleep paralysis.

First, it's normal. You are probably thinking that you have never experienced it. But you have. Every single night. Ok so in actuality, what you experience every night is more rightly called REM atonia. This is where your brain tells your body to stay still while you are in REM sleep. This keeps you from getting hurt while dreaming about being a world class boxer or a ballet dancer. Your automatic organ functions keep going just fine. No, drinking a glass of water in the morning doesn't "activate" your organs. If they stopped working while you were asleep, you would die. But all your voluntary motor functions are shut down. I can hear you objecting. "But I roll around in my sleep all the time!" Well, sure you do. But not during REM sleep. When you come up from REM you regain some movement. So if you are uncomfortable in the position you are in, you just might roll over and then go back into REM sleep.

I know the other objections to this too. Everyone knows someone that talks in their sleep or sleepwalks. Both are fairly common. In these people the function of REM atonia is a bit looser or not as effective. As with most things with the human body there is a sort of spectrum on how well some things work. So on one side we have people that are able to sleep walk and talk in their sleep. Both of which aren't real cool because it could mean they aren't getting enough of the good kind of sleep and it can adversely affect their health. And then in the middle of the road you have your average person that doesn't move around during REM sleep and just does the normal rolling around in between bouts of REM. There is however another side to this. A very scary side known as sleep paralysis.

People that experience sleep paralysis generally find they are unable to move or speak even though they can hear and sometimes see things around them. It can be very frightening to be waking up but not be able to move. There is some thought that this phenomenon has spawned the whole alien abduction craze. Just imagine waking up and hearing people in the house making noise or even the wind rattling the windows but you aren't able to move. You are locked in your body, struggling to move or scream. It's not a huge leap to imagine that the grey guys have snatched you up. Especially if you manage to fall back to sleep before it wears off.

The first time I remember experiencing sleep paralysis, I was in junior high probably. I was having a sick day from school. Now, I'm old, so in our house at that time we only had two tvs. One in the living room and one in the basement. On sick days we would camp out on the living room couch and watch daytime tv while mom babied us. And again with the old thing, we didn't have a remote for the tv. You had to get up and change the channel at the tv itself. So, being sick and wrapped up on the couch, we were stuck watching whatever channel was on unless we could get mom to come change it. So there I am half conscious and watching soap opera after soap opera and being bored enough that I fell asleep. I distinctly remember waking up and being able to hear my mom out in the kitchen putzing around and talking on the phone. Again, old, we actually had cords on the phones, albeit long cords, so she was stuck in the kitchen to use the phone. I remember being able to see the room around me but it was really fuzzy. And I could not move or call for help. It scared the crap out of me. I kept trying to call for my mom because I was convinced I was dying. Being sick, I ended up falling back asleep. I never mentioned it to my parent because they already thought I was nuts. I've always been used to them not believing any of my stories.

Over the years I've experienced this several times. Almost always when I'm sick. And it's always terrifying. The absolute lack of control is horrible. It has fed my fear of becoming paralyzed. Hell I was partially paralyzed for a while in the mid 90s. It was not fun. I do not recommend.

Most of the time when I've experienced what I thought was sleep paralysis, it turned out to be a nightmare about sleep paralysis. I don't have nightmares often but 90% of the time they are about sleep paralysis. It's almost always a dream about someone being in my house and going through my things and I can't move or scream for them to stop. I am usually able to pick up clues that I'm only dreaming instead of experiencing the real thing pretty quickly. Usually the first clue is that my bed is in the wrong place in my room. I've moved it around a few times over the 16 years I've lived here, but it's been in the same spot now for at least 6 years or more. Another clue is that the furniture or the pictures on the walls are wrong. I can always see a hazy view of my room through half lidded eyes. The next clue is if I'm actually able to see out into the rest of the apartment. This is something I really can't do with my bed where it is. Often in these dreams the point of view will change from first person to an overview. Once this happens, I just tell myself it's a dream and to think of something else. I am a very lucid dreamer. I can often times control what is going on or force a sort of reset to fix stuff I don't like. So stopping a bad dream is pretty easy once I realize I am dreaming.

There is another kind of sleep paralysis that I've experienced over the years. These ones are much more frightening and thankfully only have happened a couple times. I may have mentioned on here that there is a ghost in my house. Normally she is just kind of a pain in the ass. She will make noise or move things around. If you ask her nicely, she will shut up or put whatever she has taken back where it belongs. Sometimes she likes to mess with me when I'm in bed. The latest incident was about a week ago, which is why this subject is on my mind.

In this incident, I was sleeping on my left side. In order to do this, I have to sleep with a body pillow behind me and in front of me otherwise I'll roll onto my back. This will wake me up because I have trouble breathing. Damn boobs are too heavy. So basically, I'm not moving anywhere much if I'm sleeping on my left side. This also means I'm facing the wall. You really can't get to the left side of the bed unless you were to crawl over me because of shelves at the foot of the bed. So there I am, sleeping facing the wall with my pillows around me and a fan blowing on me from the foot of the bed. Suddenly I can feel something large rolling under my mattress pad between me and the wall. It's going from the top of the bed to the foot and then kind of smacking into the fan. The first time it happens I'm trying to move so I can tell the ghost to cut the crap. Only I can't move or say anything. Not cool. It happens again and I'm straining and trying to move and starting to freak. This happens three or four times and the fan getting smacked harder each time. I'm freaking out more and more because I can't move or scream. In my head I'm screaming like a banshee but nothing is coming out. Finally it happens where the fan gets knocked off the shelf and lands on the floor but is immediately picked back up and put on the shelf a little crooked. I'm basically one creaming lunatic at this point. One more time I feel the rolling under the mattress pad but when it gets about halfway down the bed my body finally gets with the program. Both of my arms and legs jerked out to the side and I screamed, "God damn it! Knock it off!" Immediately the rolling stopped and didn't come back again. This left me laying in bed trying to catch my breath because damn that shit was scary. Now I suppose that all could have been a dream, but the fan was, in fact, not in the right spot on the shelf when I got up the next morning. Also, everything I could see during the incident was correct for what is in my room right now. The lighting, the bedding and positions were all right. And it's not the first time she has done something similar. The last time involved shaking my blankets like a kid having a temper tantrum.

All in all, sleep paralysis is pretty scary in the moment but really shouldn't worry most people after the fact. It's fairly normal. The REM atonia is actually something to be grateful for since it keeps us fairly safe from hurting ourselves. Everyone falls somewhere on this spectrum. Some of us sleep walk or talk in our sleep while some of us experience sleep paralysis. I kind of envy those in the middle. My only experience with sleep walking was not pleasant so I don't envy those that experience it often.

I'm hopeful that these dreams about sleep paralysis will finally go away. I really don't enjoy the panic I feel before realizing what is going on. They really are about the only nightmares I have which I'm grateful for. I'm sure the incidences when I'm sick will continue but thankfully I don't get sick very often. We will just ignore the fact that I've been ill for the last 3 weeks. I don't include the incident with the ghost last week in the category of  the incidences when I'm sick simply because normally shit isn't moving around if it's only because I'm sick. Hopefully the ghost has gotten it out of her system for a while because I'm so not interested in a repeat any time soon.

And thus concludes the info I have on sleep paralysis. I'm not sure what subject I'll talk about next time. Maybe the tiny house phenomenon. It has me so damn torn. On one hand I kind of like the idea of a tiny house on wheels. On the other the brat and I are so damn cramped in our place as it is and we would probably kill each other in a tiny house. I've actually been on the look out for a house near where I work. Anyways, I'll think on it and see what I can come up with.

Laters.

Ummm

Holy crap! I wasn't sure that I would be able to log into this thing. Surprise!

Soooo not a lot has changed. Just read my last post on here. It has been a while but things are really still the same. SG (I forget what that stands for but I know who it is) is now the supervisor on days. We get along way the hell better than we ever have. Basically I'm his second in command. I take over when he is gone. If he is busy I fill in for him. I actually spent a few months working in the office because we installed a new inventory system. Things have not been real smooth on that. We lost a lot of sales trying to get shipping to work right. The company I work for is very complex and the system don't know how to integrate everything we do. Red is no more. She has actually been gone a couple years now. I rarely ever talk to her.

We are still in the duplex. I would really like to buy a house one of these days. I just haven't found anything I can afford that I actually like. I'm very low contact with my parents. I haven't talked to my dad in 8 months. It's been bliss. Nick shows no interest in seeing them. I'm not going to push him. Lots of family drama that I'll probably post about at some point if I can keep up with this thing this time.

Mostly I'm here again because I've been feeling like I'm pissing in the wind. I actually stopped talking to almost everyone I know for almost a year and a half and no one noticed. After about a year one person got in contact and asked if I was ok. No one else ever mentioned a thing. Kind of proved my point as to why I stopped talking to everyone. I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm basically ignored unless I'm sharing some tragic thing about my life. I try and share some humor and it just flies over everyone's heads. Doesn't matter what platform I share things on either. So, if I'm going to be ignored, I'll just share my musings here where only I will be reading it. Keep all my bullshit in one place, ya know?

And this brings us to the musing that has me inspired to write stuff out.

Dreams are a very big part of my life. I am a lucid dreamer that has very vivid dreams that I usually can remember with great detail. Not only do I dream every night I also daydream quite a bit. At work I'm almost always in my own little world. This has had me thinking about some weird theories where dreams are concerned. There are several parts to my theories.

The first part can sort of be explained by sharing a tv show that was on a few years ago. IMDB.com says the name of the show was Awake, but for some reason my brain insists that it was something else that I can't remember. I'm sure they are right and my brain is just weird. Anyway, the star of the show was Jason Isaacs aka Lucius Malfoy of Harry Potter fame. I don't remember his character's name in the show so we will just call him Jason because I'm lazy that way. Jason was a cop out on the West coast somewhere. One night he and his wife and son were out for a drive and were in a car accident. Jason woke up to find that his son was dead but his wife survived. The only thing was that when he went to bed at night instead of falling asleep when he closed his eyes, he would wake up in another reality where it was actually his wife that had died and he was living with his son.

In both realities Jason had gone back to work but he had different partners in each. He had a different psychiatrist also. Because really, who wouldn't need to see a shrink if every time you fell asleep you woke into a different reality that was just as real as the last one. So basically Jason was living two parallel lives. There were certain similarities between the two worlds but also some major differences. For the viewer of the show there were some visual clues to let them know which reality they were viewing. When Jason was in the reality with his wife, the lighting was brighter and yellow toned. In the reality with his son, the lighting was more subdued and blue toned.

The whole point of the show was Jason trying to figure out which reality was the real one. It is revealed as the season went on that the accident was all a set up. His boss was trying to kill him because he was close to revealing her illegal activities. I don't really remember just how the show ended because they had to rush it to a conclusion because it wasn't renewed. They did get to play out a full season though which is more than most cancelled shows get.

Ok, and now the point of why I went into detail about this show. What if our dreams are actually alternate realities? What if some people are more connected to their alternate selves and when they are sleeping they are actually hitching along in the other's life?

There is a theory (this one not mine) that for every choice we make in life a new alternate reality is created. Each time we make a choice, we actually make all choices. We just split off into another reality. Like say, when you were 10 years old there was a new kid in your class. You have the choice to either talk to the kid and try and make friends or to just ignore them. So say you remember talking to them and thus followed the reality that you know. But you also made the choice to ignore them and that you went on to live a different life in another reality. The two realities would maybe be very similar. But every time you had a choice to make your reality would split out again into multiple realities.

Basically there are infinite realities where you exist but made slightly different choices. Some of them would be very similar where maybe there were only a few small differences in the choices you made. Some would be vastly different. Maybe in one reality you went after your dream to be a rock star and it worked?

So what if when we go to sleep we are actually visiting one of these alternate universes? Some of us are just better at remembering what we see. This could be why some people have super vivid dreams. You are basically just hitchhiking along in the other reality.This could be why some dreams seem so real and familiar. Because that reality is very close to the one that you live in. And who is to say that in another reality that those scary aliens actually do exist. I really feel sorry for the me that lives in that reality. It could also explain why people have recurring dreams. What is happening is that you are visiting the same reality on multiple occasions.

I have some very complicated, drawn out dreams. Sometimes they can last for months at a time. Each night is a continuation of the dream I had the night before. Sometimes these dreams also play out in my daydreams. These dreams can be very detailed. During them I can practically drawn you a detailed floor plan of the house I live in in it. There are tons of people in the dreams that I don't actually know in real life. Marriages, children, jobs. During the duration I can tell you birthdays and middle names and where they go to school. Their favorite colors and favorite foods. Eventually I move on to another story and details are forgotten, but sometimes I will see or hear something and it will slam me right back into the old story. And I'll be able to remember the broad details of the story again even years later.

Nine Inch Nails has a song titled I Do Not Want This  that I've always liked. One of the lyrics is "I have lived so many lives all in my head". This is kind of how I feel about the dreams I've had. I have lived thousands of lives inside my head over the years. What if these lives are actually real but are just alternate realities? If this is true, some of the other mes are living some awesome lives. Some of them have some seriously fucked up lives. I frequently have dreams where the planet has been invaded by evil aliens and I'm doing my best to fight back and survive. Not something I would want to do in this reality.

I kind of like the idea that these realities might actually be realities that an alternate me is getting to live out. And the idea that I get to visit them is kind of cool.

One thing should be noted, in 99% of these realities, Nick exists and he is my kid. He is almost always pretty much the way he is in real life. I guess I can't really imagine a world where he isn't a part of my life. No matter how far back in age I might take a story it always ends up with me being his mom. Usually he gets to have siblings but not always.

Well I think I've done enough damage for one day. Anyone that might stumble across this entry is going to be convinced I'm a wack-a-doodle. I just might be. Oh well.

Now the real test is to see if I make it back here to discuss another kind of dream that I have. Ever heard of sleep paralysis? Next time I'll discuss that pain in the ass.

Oh and btw, what the hell happened to my cool theme I had on here?? I am going to have to edit that shit. The images are lost to time I'm sure since I bought a new computer 2 years ago. I do have the old hard drives somewhere. Oh well.

So yeah

I know it's been forever and a day since I've posted to this blog. I'm sure most of the blame can be put on Ravelry. It's just so easy to post the little things over there and not mess with the blog. I've been thinking about starting back up over there though.

So, lots of things have been happening around here. Some more recent than others but life is a bit different.

Red never did get her supervisor position back from SG. There was lots of tension between those two for a long time. And then suddenly, SG decided to switch shifts. Not two weeks later, we get informed that the weekend shift is no more. The few remaining people on our shift all went to the day shift. So now I work four 10 hour shifts on Monday thru Thursday. I really don't enjoy getting up before 3:30 AM but I am home by 4 PM. And I still have a 3 day weekend, if I'm not working overtime that is. SG is working 2nd shift and has pretty much cut himself off from the people that had been on the weekend shift. Red and I are the only ones that are left after 3 months on days. And oh jeez has her attitude gone way down hill. She is convinced that everyone is out to get her. She is super jealous that I get along with the new supervisor and she doesn't. She is constantly shooting herself in the foot. After a few rough spots at the very beginning, I'm getting along fine with the people on days. I'm mostly used to the new schedule but there are days when I really miss having 4 days off.

Homewise, we are still living in the crappy little duplex. I still haven't gotten a new bed. But, I'm like inches away from paying off my car and my other outstanding bills. I swear on all that is holy, that I WILL get a new bed in the spring. I really have no choice because it's getting harder and harder to get a good night's sleep on the old one. lol Mostly my health has really improved. I get occasional sinus infections but my IBS has been behaving 90% of the time. And the hive attacks have gotten very infrequent. The only big problem I have right now is a torn tendon in my left foot. Even though it's the foot that I can barely feel, it sure as hell hurts most of the time. I've got a brace that I wear out of the house and I've been babying it at home as much as possible. I've got to do some major cleaning up in the next few days though, so it's going to be pretty sore. We are FINALLY getting cable internet next Friday!!!! I can NOT wait. I have no clue why the city council finally gave in and let the cable company move into town. It's been a long 13 year wait. lol Oh and as far as the major cleaning, that is only because I'm trying to stay off my foot as much as possible. I've actually been keeping the house mostly clean for quite a while now. I would say that 90% of the time I'm ok with letting someone in the house now. I just need to get caught back up on the dishes and clean up around my computer before they come install everything next week.

Nick is doing really well. There have been some med changes and bumps along the way. We have found a good med combination though and he has nearly straight As this semester. He is in therapy to try and help him deal with some of his roadblocks. I'm hoping that it will finally get him to a place where he can try and expand his diet. I swear I don't know how he grows at all on how little he eats. I'm only about an inch taller than he is now but he is still a skinny lil shit. He is still doing karate two nights a week. It can be a bit of a trial to get him out the door for class, but once he is there, he really has fun.He still doesn't have many friends but he doesn't seem to mind much. He would rather play with his video games and mess with Legos than go out and play.

So, yeah, things here are mostly good. The whole schedule change is really the only big change. I'm still mostly hiding out in the house being a hermit and the kid is still being a pita boy. lol

I'm going to try and post some of the more interesting things that have been going on around here. There have been some work stories and ghost stories lately. I just haven't quite made it here to post about them. Maybe I will soon.

The weirdness in my brain

I swear my brain comes up with the weirdest stories. I get bored easily, so I make up long involved stories in my head while I do the mundane things during the day. The latest story has taken a very weird turn.

It started out as your basic romance story. Young man (D) and woman (L) meet up and kind of circle each other but never quite get together. Finally he talks her into working with him on a project. So for like 3 years or so they work closely on this project which includes traveling a lot with a small group of people. One guy in the group harasses her to the point that she and D end up having to share a bed to keep the creeper away from her. They never once move into a romantic relationship at all. After a bit, they get back to their home base town and D tells L that he has lost his apartment and has nowhere to live. L only has a very tiny apartment but invites him to live with her and they share the bed for a whole year with nothing happening. Finally, L ends up buying a larger condo where D can have his own room. Only, neither one of them can sleep without the other one in bed with them. So they go back to sharing a bed. This whole time they are both in denial about their feelings for one another. They are both convinced that the other one could never love them.

At one point D decides to move on and date someone. He moves out and L goes a bit nuts. She ends up taking off for 2 months without telling D where she is going and no one else will tell him. She ends up in a mental hospital to figure out how to live without D being there. During this time D is obsessed with finding her even though he is now living with his girlfriend K. L comes back and tries to keep her emotions under control and stay away from D as much as possible. But he still is trying to find out where she went.

Some bad things happen between D and K. And rather than D being supportive of K, he obsesses over the fact that L is not supporting him. The consider each other best friends but L can't be around D and K without wigging out. So finally, K kicks out D and he goes to live with another member of the project group. L still can't see D without wigging out and it's making D nuts. Finally the guy that D is living with sits him down to explain what is going on. It takes him and his wife about 3 hours to convince D that the reason L is acting so weird is because she is in love with him but is convinced that D could never love her. D is totally floored. They also pretty much slap him upside the head and make him admit he is in love with L. D runs off to L and kisses her and they start a happy relationship with the help of lots of therapy cause they are both so damn dumb. lol

So, fast forward years later. D has gone out of town to close their vacation home up for the season because they aren't going to use it again for months because the oldest child is in school and just no time. A woman that D and L had met through the project 3 years earlier but hadn't seen again shows up at the vacation home. She starts talking to D as though they have been having a relationship. Talking about getting a lawyer so D can divorce L. He freaks out and calls the cops. He immediately calls L and tells her about what happened.

A few days later, D is back at home and is having breakfast with L and their kids. A knock comes to the door and L answers to find the woman there. She goes on and on about how she and D had been having an affair for the last 3 years and how he wants to leave her. She claims that D is tired of how L insinuated herself into his life and the project and he wants her gone. In fact, it was D that did everything he could to keep L in his life and talked her into joining the project. D gets pissed and throws the woman out. D and L totally freak and call the cops.

As the detectives are there and taking a statement, the woman shows up again. This time D answers the door and she keeps talking like the affair was real and now they can be together and all they need to do is get rid of L. The cops hear everything she has said and take her in for questioning. By the time they get her to the police station, she is claiming to be L and that she and D are married. And she has no clue who the woman at the house is. So, she ends up in a hospital claiming to be L and totally convinced she has lived L's life. Only, the name she uses and says is her birth name is just a nickname that L uses and L's name is something completely different. So basically, the woman is claiming to be someone that doesn't actually exist in the strictest sense. But suddenly, things shift and the woman in the hospital is actually L and the other woman is living in her house. No one seems to realize that they have switched places. Even the kids are calling the woman mommy while L is in the hospital proclaiming that she is really L and the woman is crazy. Even D says the woman is really his wife.

So, I went from this nice little love story that kind of turned into a bit of a fatal attraction thing. And Wham! It's now practically a horror story where this woman, after years of fighting to have a life with the man of her dreams has lost her very identity and is in a mental ward being told she isn't who she thinks she is and someone else is living her life.

It's all just so damn weird and feels like an episode of Twilight Zone. And I'm struggling to back up in the story to get rid of the life swap thing and just have the crazy stalker being locked up and D and L live happily ever after. But my brain keeps bringing me back to the weird. lol