Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I hate winter

The days are too damn short and it is too cold. I still can't use the heat in my truck without messing up the windshield. At least sitting in a closed truck I don't have to deal with wind chill. Tonight we are supposed to get between 4 and 7 inches of snow. I'm not 100% sure I'll have to in to work anyway.

I don't particularly like the month of December. I hate trying to figure out what to give to my family. I try to avoid the whole thing as much as possible. It does however keep my mind off other things. I totally glazed over a major anniversary a few days back. I didn't realize it until about 4 days later. It's not that I don't think about the day all the time. But when the actual day rolled around, there was no major breakdown. No tears. No drinking. (I think I drank all the booze the week before. hehe)

I haven't even teared up about it until now when I actually wrote about it. I've been composing this post in my mind for the last week. Twelve years ago this month, I lost one of my very best friends in a car accident. I still miss her and dream about her often. The reason it is hard for me to deal with even now, is that I was the one driving the car. We were out joy riding that night. When we realized what time it was, I had to try and rush her home before curfew. Her mom was so totally strict it wasn't funny. I don't remember the actual crash. When I was thrown out of the car I landed on the back of my head. My memory ended about half an hour before the crash.

Manda's life ended that night and my world was torn in two. It makes me feel so horrible to moan about the things I've lost because of the accident because she lost everything. I don't blame myself for her death, but I still feel so guilty. I spent a good deal of time pissed off at God, trying to make some sort of deal with him. As much as I loved her, still love her, I would give up having known her if that meant she would have lived. Part of me still would take that deal in a heartbeat, even knowing that my life would have turned out different. I wouldn't have my son. Maybe I would have met someone else and had kids with him. I wouldn't want to give up my son but I would give anything to have Manda back.

Uggghhhhh I shouldn't blog about upsetting things when I was already blue to begin with. I really should just go to bed. Maybe school and work will get called off and I'll get to sleep in. hehe

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